Respect

People have no respect for boundaries anymore. Where the hell are their morals ? Personally if i know someone is in a relationship, i would definitely steer clear of any sort of romantic situation with said person. Why is it in Trinidad that doesn't mean crap to anyone of the guys, its like "you're in a relationship?" So what ? What your boyfriend doesn't know wont hurt him....well guess what i am so freaking hurt right now that I'm crying uncontrollably...I wish people respected me more...especially my boyfriend...or should i say Ex- boyfriend.... More on this story later....

Decisions about this blog

I missed blogging here, i miss being truthful about myself. Here i am free to talk about everything, to reveal the true me ...the gay me. I'm going to set aside time everyday to jut down my thoughts ...even if its just a couple lines. Here's is to a new beginning. :)

Kathy Ann the final Chapter...

After Kathy Ann had her surgery done we somewhat crossed each others path at the Food Court in Grand Bazaar. I remember sitting with my BF looking outside when i noticed her BF jumping out of a car followed by her, she looked as if she was in terrible pain..I immediately told my bf : Hey look KA to which he replied I'll watch your food while you go say hello...I was almost out of my seat when i realized that KA was making a quick bee line to the washroom, i sat back down...when she comes out i said....I proceeded to dig into my o so delicious sandwich ...I kept looking out for her but missed when she passed by... by the time i did notice her again she and her Bf were outside hopping into their car. Genuinely disappointed I made a mental note to call her later.

I got home signed on to MSN and was berated with IM's from KA asking why i didn't say hello, if i was ashamed of her, why i moving so dotish, she now knows what kinda friend i am and so fort..all before i could even say hello. When i did get to finally explain myself she didn't believe, so i asked her why she didn't come and say hello...no answer....I said goodnight , she left in a huff

Couple nights after we once again found ourselves on MSN, she started the conversation....saying she was sorry for everything ...that she knows our friendship will never be the same again and i agreed. She tried to explain herself.. when she found out i was gay, she tried to be okay with it so she lied and said she was okay. She still thinks its a choice, but wants me to help her better understand what being gay is about and how we people live. I felt like an object, a dirty object that needed to explain its usefulness to its owner before the owner made the decision whether or not to throw it out. I told her i would try my best to help her understand that gay people are normal people. She then decided to throw in the religion card, asking if i believed in God, what religion i follow, if i fear god....it was just her once again bullying me in a sense. After that it didn't matter to me whether or not KA wanted to be my friend or not, cause i made the decision that she is no friend of mines. I DO NOT ever want to feel the way she made me feel that day ever again....i cried

Sometime last week she sent a very angry IM to me, saying she can take a hint- good luck in my life Goodbye. I admit when i go online i do not automatically go saying hello to everyone on my list, I'm mostly there to talk to my BF she took it personally of course ...I dunno I'm just fed up. No longer will i allow people to bring me down..I'm finally taking a stand to be happy , for myself.

The List

Today i sat down to make my Christmas list...i like to be early in order to thoroughly enjoy the warm Xmas feeling. With the Christmas styling of Celine Dion playing in the background, i sat on my bed pen in hand and a tall cup of juice at my side....Ever since i started working i made "The list" it consisted of people who were to receive gifts ( however meager they might be) the ones receiving cards only and those who were to receive something edible. I always tried to stick with it, including everyone that meant something to me, this year it's going to be no different however after jutting down the names of my family members I wrote down the headline "Friends" after about 5mins I couldn't think of a single name to put there...I have no friends...it was such a weird realization.Usually Kathy Ann and I would exchange gifts but this year its not going to happen ( that story later) . I did however write down people i would email cards to, but i have no one outside my family besides my BF who i would be exchanging gifts with. No matter how many people I have in my life they are all associates... online people I have no other contact with besides MSN and Facebook. Virtually I have many associates but the reality of the situation is Kathy Ann was my only friend and now she's gone and I'm alone.....

Good Idea, Bad Idea

Good Idea: Buying yourself a cool pair of jeans as a reward for a months hard work

Bad Idea: Stuffing yourself into some really cool dark denim jeans wondering why on earth are the bottom of the pant leg so tight, only to be told by the clerk those are ladies pencil jeans..i wish they would label the racks they hang these stuff on....

Lets take a step into the time machine...

I have been somewhat busy these days, with work..its beginning to take a toll on me, i am much more tired than usual, and irritable. This is what happens when work rules your life. Its not always like this just for this big project i am heading, after this it should be back to my normal quiet duties.Here goes, a small glimpse into my forms 2&3


By the end of form one i had made many enemies, and some friends, enemies because i was the prefect that liked to abide by the rules, it mattered none to me, because , i refused to let anyone threaten me into submission, I was always commended as a great student from all of my teaches, all except on my arch nemesis of a math teacher.More on her later. My friends although little, were loyal, Vijesh being at the top of the list, an awesome guy, he was like my best friend, if i ever gave anyone that title. I Wasn't allowed to run for prefect again in from 2 , a guy by the name of Daryl took over, my friend circle grew, while unfortunately his shrunk, Matthew continued to be thorn in my side, he had gathered much older forces, his cousins had entered form 4. I was picked on at lunch time, so i avoided going outside, i would usually sit inside the class room, and stick my head into my bag, praying for the day to pass. On more than one occasion i was accosted at the school gate, I ran , they were much bigger than me, and had the advantage of home turf. I didnt know why Matthew disliked me, it never occurred to me that he may have been jealous of my friendship with Rianna, his supposed love of his life.


Vijesh and my friendship grew, we were inseparable,. By form three i was reelected prefect for some reason or the other beyond my comprehension, but there i was again, supposed to take charge of the class when the teacher wasn't there, a class of hormone raging adolescents, myself included, this time i adopted the "do what allyuh want once allyuh dont make noise" attitude. It worked , i was praised constantly by my peers for allowing them do as they please. Of course my enemies grew , and I realized that i had no true friends. Rianna, one of truly great friends started to hang out with the wrong crowd, and making fun of me. As i probably mention i was not good looking, in fact i was downright ugly, ( well so i was told, and believed I never had a gf, and the one girl i confessed liking for, took my love letter and showed the whole class, that damaged me in ways inconceivable, i spiraled into depression, by the second term i gave up being prefect, vijesh stopped hanging out with me, because he was being made fun of by the other guys, in fact they were asking him if we were a couple, so i guess to shield himself, he sort of dumped me, i was alone, and back to sticking my head into my bag at lunch time, that's basically how i spent the rest of form 3, a sad excuse for a human, depressed, angry..misunderstood.


I hung out with no one, i was alone most of the time in school, i would always be in the library just reading, because i knew it was a place where talking was not allowed. Sometimes when i got back to class, my bag would be missing, or my chair...i really didnt care anymore. It was the cool thing to pick on me, the shy guy, the emo dude. I faked sick so many times to avoid school, but my parents would never catch on. My grades starting failing, luckily at the end of form 3 i wanted so bad to become a doctor that i hit the books really hard to get into sciences and i did. Much to everyone's surprise including some of my teachers. I was never a trouble maker in school , not after my first incident so no matter how many times i was pushed to the edge i never snapped, i just kept quiet. i was the butt of many jokes . But i guess like all kids we had issues to over come in that awkward stage of life, i just thought that maybe i had it a little harder than others. Looking back today, i have no idea why they picked me as perfect, or why i was given a leadership award in from 2, or form 3....it baffles me to think what the teachers seek out to give an award, i was awkward, quiet...but i guess i always obeyed the rules...


At the end of form 3 we all grew little more mature, it wasn't all that bad..i had my small group of friends we shared many good times. Hanging out in the library, passing notes in class, avoiding the "cool kids" ...but my heart ached when everyone had someone and i had no one....

Hibernation

Of course wolves don't hibernate, but being a Blue wolf sometimes has it perks...I've been down and out... things occurred...stuff blew up ( not literally though) and i ran into the forest like any good wolf would do, now that the coast is clear .. i smell no danger, I'm back up and writing.

I've been giving some serious thinking as to what direction my blog should take, i don't want it to be entirely about my bad experiences and memories, believe me i have alot...writing about it makes me feel better , seeing it down on paper like that really- in some weird way gives me closure. It may not make sense but at the end of the day when i get my thoughts out I feel better , as if i can move forward.

What direction do i point then? I guess this will become my life blog the good, the bad and the furry. Just be warned I'm not very eloquent with my words so be prepared for novice blogging.

Meh

I'm feeling depressed, alot of crap has been occurring in my life...stuff I'm not happy about...family, relationship, myself...i need to write but I'm not getting the time. I'm gonna go crazy if i don't let this all out.

OMG Word

I dunno how i came across this word: Fagoting

It means: A method of decorating cloth by pulling out horizontal threads and tying the remaining vertical threads into hourglass-shaped bunches.

I thought it meant: Going to a party and acting slutty, hitting on all the guys regardless if they are gay or not .

I can use it in a sentence: Gosh would you stop fagoting all the guys here we will get put out.

I was wrong..

Gays:1 Str8ies: A big fat zero

Once again the "faggit" discussion came up in the office. Fags- this, bullerman- that, o I'm a str8 guy and all the gays want me....then all of a sudden boom! the kitchen door literally slams open, the mother of the office ( our much older, but extremely hyper administrator) bursts thorough the door. Scene one

Admin: Wah allyuh talking about and laughing like a bunch of skets here?
Guys: Nothing
Admin: So allyuh mad or something?
Guys: Nah we just saying how them bullerman getting brave these days, they all over the place
Admin: And whats the problem with that? Ent they are people too?
Guys: Me aint want that chupidness coming round me
Admin: And who say anyone of them will come around you ( some of the guys burst out in laughter including me )
Guys: Stupes, them going to hell yes
Admin: eh eh eh wah you saying there? Let me tell you something,Gay people is the best kind of people. I had a gay boss and that man was the most beautiful person i ever meet in my life. And yuh see how old i am ( shes 64) That man woulda give he life for you or the last dollar from his pocket, everybody who meet him love him. So don't be disrespecting gay people, its not their fault they are like that. They are people to.
Guys: Yea but doh come around me with that dotishness
Admin: Boy i am telling you no one will come around you, but i have to say eh, some of them really ridiculous with the bacchanal behaviour in POS, but don't kill all for some. They are people too.
Guys: Screwing up their face
Admin: And doh let meh come down here and hear allyuh bad talking meh people again eh ( she then leaves the room)
Guys: Wah really wrong with she eh, they then start to talk about Jack Warner.

She said everything i was too scared to say, and put all them assholes in their place. HAHAHA. Score one * does awkward dance*

How do you slove a problem like KA?

How do you solve a problem like Kathy-Ann? How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?....sorry the sound of music is running through my head, thanks to my musical obsessed BF. KA and i spoke, online, once again she apologized for her behavior. What was I to say? for the life of Lucy i can't stay angry at anyone. Long story short i forgave her, after much discussion. She revealed that she's under alot of stress at home, her dad's health isn't up to par and he needs a kidney, of which she is going to donate. I was left speechless, no one ever prepared me for a discussion of this nature. I offered my prayers and wished her luck. She invited me to check her in the hospital, when the time arrives. She loves her dad dearly, none of her siblings wants to go under the knife so she volunteered. Very brave of her. Suddenly all my issues with KA disappeared, I saw my friend who was scared and needed my shoulder, i gladly offered it up. Instead of just talking about how scary it would be, i proceeded to ask how prepared she was for post surgery. We made a list, a rather good one if i may do say so myself, alot of the stuff i asked she didn't even remotely consider.I felt proud that i was able to help , I didn't like however that she was making this stress the reason fro her behaviour...but i let it pass, i didn't want to cause a fuss. Things will never be the same between me and KA, i felt like i saw the real her when she hated me being gay...the monster that lurks beneath...but I'm trying to be a forgiving person and under all the bacchanal we are all god's children and all humans ( prone to mistakes) I'll never be 100% comfortable with her anymore, but 80% ain't that bad....

Good Idea-Bad Idea

Good Idea: Singing away the day's stress

Bad Idea: Signing an operatic version of Britney's "If you seek Amy" while your brother is entertaining guests outside your room.

*sigh* Once again when i walk outside I'm forced to pretend that there is someone else in my room doing the singing and I'm just as shocked as they are.

Props

Las night i realized that i need to give a big thank you to all the "out" people. The men and women who are in my book very courageous, that go out there and fight for rights. The people who stand up and say enough is enough we are human to.I admire all of them , i can only wish to have so much strength and courage, maybe one day. But Thank You ...thank you for making it safer each day, thank you for the rights you have achieved, thank you for the inspiration, thank you for the courage.

Good Idea, Bad Idea

Good Idea: Wearing sexy boxer briefs to feel confident at work

Bad Idea: Wearing one size too small sexy boxer briefs to work on casual Friday, stooping down to pick up some papers to be rudely and loudly informed by the much older mother of the office 'wah happen boy yuh crack showing, yuh doh have on no jockey shorts?"

I'll leave with whatever dignity i have left.

What do you do with a fruit...?

You beat the gay out of him, at least that's what one of the temporary employees said...For some reason, these str8ies love talking about gays.Is it that interesting of a topic to bash men/women or wonder how can a guy take it up there. One person said something that made me smirk "dem faggits and them real brave yuh know, to take it up d ass, that's real pain" to which the other guy replied how u know is real pain. everyone burst out laughing.The other guy , ( i now consider him the smartest of the bunch) replied "them boys and them have pussy that's why they cud take it"....sad.sad.sad. I wish i could beat some sense into them,I honestly hope to god they don't represent a large cross section of the str8ies out there. Maybe i haven't mentioned, but my way of getting back at these homophobic baboons is to be Str8ophobic, yup you heard right. I'm scared of str8ies, i think if they get to close to me I'll get opposite sex penchants, if i sit next to a str8 person it automatically makes me str8, i think all str8 girls want to sleep with me.So i exaggerated a bit, but i seriously avoid hanging with str8 people, if i am planning a lime, i include only gays . don't get me wrong, i have loads of str8ies in my life, but my preference are gay people, i can be myself, make my gay remarks and just overall be much more relaxed.The definition of how a lime should make you feel.Relaxed. Its my small way of protesting also.Straying away from the subject , I'm having an online conversation with a guy friend of mines, who is happily relaying he has a BF, the only issue is the Bf has a GF...brrrrrr?...that's my reaction. he says he is comfortable with it, although he is a bit jealous....what could a guy do but wish him good luck?...i don't know how he could want to get into a lasting relationship with this guy...I've never been in a situation like this but personally if my bf has a gf his whole family knows about,i would probably go crazy knowing he is giving someone other than me his affection and god knows what else. But my friend is young and he only recently accepted he is gay, I'm trying to give advice but he refuses to hear me out. I would be the same way honestly, if it was my first bf...I'm speaking from experience....i guess like me he will have to burn to learn...don't worry i already told him to always be safe, and use protection if he is going down that path.I realized that i haven't written about my past awhile now, but the feeling isn't coming .I would like to touch on a couple more events that happen to me that shaped the person i am , looking back today as horrible as some stuff were,it made me , me , i may not be very confident but i am not easily deterred by life's obstacles. and believe me there are many.Would I have wished for it to be different, knowing that i would be a changed person today? its a thought that lingers with me.

Why?

I came across this article on AOL. The comments below it made me very queasy.

"if your gay you have some issues up stairs and need therapy !!!its getting worse with you sickos wanting marriage rights and now its on tv showing you freaks kissing!! I take that personally when I'm watching tv with my kids and all of a sudden its in front of my kids!! it will confuse children and same sex kissing needs to be ban in public and on tv!!! by the way gays will never be equal because YOU CAN'T MAKE A BABY TOGETHER.... FREAKS!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Homosexuality is self condemnation, separation from God! The effort to force this evil on humanity and spead it is war against God and his creation. This site can erase my comment as it apparently did my first but it will not escape Gods displeasure with siding with evil."

"The stupid sick queers need to hide there gross behavior from all children. I do not care what these sick queers do in there own home. We should shoot to all queers that don't hide there gross behavior. We need to save are kids from being exposed to these sick queers."

Regardless of whether the men were trespassing or not. Why does all the hate and venom have to be spewed at everything homosexual. Are people that scared of the big "G"? Why do people hate us so? This article is not doing anything for my confidence as a gay dude. And whats with using "protecting the children?" to spew the venom .....*sigh*

Good Idea/ Bad Idea

Good Idea: Having a healthy breakfast in the morning consisting of fruit and yogurt

Bad Idea: Erotically taking the tip of a half peeled banana dipping it in yogurt, then proceed to lick it off, when your sister walks in on you. You should cut that up--- it'll make it much easier (and less gay)

And the beat goes on and on...

I'm on MSN Saturday night, unfortunately frustrated at my life. KathyAnn comes online

Her: I get that you are angry at me
Her: But i am sorry about our last conversation
Her: I just let my anger get the most out of me
Her: I felt like you were attacking my religion and I had to defend it
Her:When you cursed me, i just lost it
Her: We were both wrong and i hope we can get pass this and move on to how we used to be
Me: Hello
Me: I was not attacking your religion, i was speaking generally.
Me: You really hurt me with the things you said
Me: I am also sorry that i curse you, but you threaten to tell my parents, i just lost it also
Me: Right now i am going through some serious crap with my bf, and this isn't the best time for us to sort out our issues
Her: We have issues? I thought it was just this
Me: Yea we do, but now really isn't The greatest time to discus it
Her: But we are ok right?
Me: I dunno, we will see how it goes
Her: Ok if you wanna talk i am here for you, like you have always been there for me
Me:I'm tired of defending myself
Her: What do you mean?
Me: Nothing, i gtg need to shave
Her: OK, well if you need to talk i am here.
Me: I am tired of defending the fact that i am gay, you think i chose to be this way , and its not a choice
Her: Some people choose
Me: I don't want to get into this discussion again
Me: You wont believe the crap i Had to go through my whole life, and then to have my closest friend attack me in such a way really hurt
Her: We all have to go through stuff you know, i went thru stuff too
Me: I understand that, I understand every one has their own battle to fight
Me: But when people who you think have your back, just don't- it hurts
Her: I said i am sorry, let just move on from this
Me: We still have to discuss it, but i really need to go
Her ok
Me: TTYL
Her: ok njoy your nite

I'm in a dilemma, should i forgive KA put this behind us and move on? Should i allow her back into my life, when i saw the homophobic beast rear its ugly head. I don't know what to do. I could never hold on to anger for long, i am however very good at saying " to hell with that".....dilemma.

Good Idea, Bad Idea

Good idea: Release some stress by singing and dancing in your room

Bad Idea: Singing Lady Gaga's "boys boys boys" loudly while your dad is outside your window doing yard work.

In case you are not familiar with this song here are some of the lyrics:

Boys boys boys
We like boys in cars
Boys boys boys
Buy us drinks in bars
Boys boys boys
With Hairspray and denim
Boys boys boys
We love them!
We love them!

He gave me the weirdest look when i finally came outside. PS: note to self don't play this song loud.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

My previous post was longer than i intended it to be, but i needed to have some background information on Kathy Ann and I. And that's as condensed as i could have gotten it. Yes that's the condensed version. KA is the only str8ie that knows my sexual orientation, my secret. It wasn't by choice but i told her, she seemingly accepted it.The reason why i said seemingly is because of the following events.

*going on msn*

Her: Hey you know how long I've been waiting on you
Me: Really? How come
Her: I was here whole week last week till 9 waiting on you, but you never showed
Me:I wasn't online last week
Her: O ok, I have something i want to ask you and i Hope i get a favorable response
Me: Hmmmm, ok shoot
Her: Can i tell *insert her Bf name here* you are gay
Me: What!!
Her: Pleeeaseeeee
Me: Why would you want to do that?
Her:It would make life so much easier
Me: How so?
Her: Well i wouldn't have to lie all the time
Me: Lie?
Her: Yea , like when we have to lime, or wen i buy stuff for you, he gets really jealous
Me: o
Her: So can i? Pleeeassee
Me: Do you know what you are asking? you are asking me to let someone else know MY secret
Her:But its not like everyone doesn't know
Me: What do you mean by that
Her: Look at your Facebook page, anyone who does would know
Me: 99% of the people on my FB is gay and the other 1% are school friends that are none the wiser, plus no one can see my friend list
Her:Are you ashamed of yourself?
Me: KA you are asking me to put myself out there, for people i don't know to know i am gay
Her: Who would *insert her Bf name here* tell?
Me: I dunno, you never know a situation like: Hey who is that guy walking so close with yuh woman? O he that's her gay friend
Her: O come on nothing like that will ever happen
Me: yuh never know, i know how str8 guys think, and its worse when they are insecure
Her: He is not insecure, i just want to so things wont be so bad, i wont have to hide when it comes to you all the time
Me: i dunno if you should
Her:So yuh telling me you are ashamed of yourself, of your friends, of *insert my BF name here*
Me: no i'm not saying that, i'm just uncomfortable
Her: Come nah pleaaassee it would make thing so much easier
Me: It would make your life easier?
Her: Yes
Me: ok well if it makes your life less stressful you can go ahead
Her: Goodie
Me: I just don't want anyone else to know
Me: And i am not ashamed of being gay, its just being gay in Trinidad isn't exactly a safe thing
Her:But its your choice
Me: My choice?
Her: Yea
Me: To be gay?
Her: Yea
Me: OMG being gay isn't a choice, you think i would choose this life of prejudice, of hate, of fear?
Her:I dunno about you, but alot of people chose to especially girls
Me: There have been alot of studies conducted that point that being gay isn't anyone choice, but genetic
Her: I never heard about that
Me: Yea, so its not a choice
Her: Yes it is
Me: *getting more flustered* NO its NOT
Her: Do you think god would make man, put him on this earth to lie in bed with another man
Me: what?
Her: God made man for woman, so that they can progress, have kids and be happy.He didn't make man for man so i think its a choice
Me: Well its not
Her: In the book ( she is Muslim) it is written that being gay is wrong you know
Me: I believe god put me here for a reason, and that he loves me. I also believe that every book that has been written was written by man, and each sentence in those books can be interpreted a different way. Man uses these words to his benefit all the time
Her: Are you saying the great Prophet was a liar
Me; no i am not, I'm just saying that man is corrupt and will use the word of god to justify corruption
Her:*taking deep offense* the great Mohammad was not corrupt
Mel; I am not attacking your religion, I'm talking general
Her: *insert my name here* i take god very seriously, and i don't like what you are saying
Me: I'm not attacking god either, I'm simply saying that the race of man is corrupt, and people will always use religion and god to get what they want
Me: Man is a corrupt species. Do you know all the suffering that occurs because of "god". But do u think god wants this suffering, no he doesn't, its corrupt man that is causing it
Her: I think god has a reason
Me: You cannot think that, because God cannot be understood by our small human minds
Her: I don't think you believe in god, because he says it is wrong for you to lie with another man, and you choose to
Me: Are you for real, how dare you say i don't believe in god
Her: Because you don't
Me: I may not follow any book word for word, but i talk to god everyday. I have a personal relationship with him
Her:So you telling me you talk to god and he replies
Me: Yes
Her: What do you talk to him about? Being gay?
Me: I talk to him about everything,i ask him to keep my friends, family safe
Her:And he replies?
Me: yes he does
Her:And yet you believe religion is corrupt?
Me: Man is corrupt
Her: Man isn't corrupt Mohammad was perfect
Me: but he was a man
Her: So you know god right?
Her: what if i call you parents and tell them you are gay? Would they care for you still? Would they want you in that house ? will you talk to god and tell him to stop me and he will reply yes?
Me: FUCK off KA
Me: You're threatening me to call my parents , how the hell could you?
Her: I don't want you as my friend anymore, I believe in god and you don't
Me : I never said i don't believe in god
Me: i don't think we should be friends either
Her:I feel pity for you, thinking you know god, when you are so in the dark

She signs out and 10 mins later comes back in

Her: I'm sorry about the conversation we had earlier i hope we can see past this
Her: have a good night

I can't get over it. this conversation got me so upset that i cried. i didn't write everything that we talked about, just the main parts.There was a time i asked her about all the people in the middle east who are willing to give their lives in the name of the lord, if god asked them to, or a man did. She got so offended that she asked if i think she would do the same. I went silent thinking i crossed some invisible line, but told her it was just to outline the point that man will twist the word of god to accomplish anything. She mocked me being gay and told me that i should go cry. She thinks that by me hiding my sexuality i am ashamed of every other gay person out there. that deeply offended me. The threat she made to tell my parents. I knew there were times i was wrong, but i see plainly that KA never liked the idea of me being gay, and seems to take offense that me a gay person can talk to god.Even though she said she hopes we move past this, we wont...i am too battered to. I went through alot of bullshit with her and i always end up on the sharp side of the stick. I've made my decision that KA and I have come to our crossroads, her direction and mines are different. I also think that she already told her bf and was looking for approval to ease her guilt. Life goes on.It hurts but it proceeds

The good, the bad and the ugly

Kathy-Ann and I have been friends for well over 5 years.Ours is a complicated relationship.I can recall the first time i encounter KA ,my friends and I planned a movie lime, four of us in total.Now these were the days before CC8 and Movie Towne, I'm talking the Magnificent 7 (remember them?) It was strangely suspicious that my friend Shannel bought like 8 tickets, while everyone else were buying the usual one ...we were informed that her cousins would be joining us, a whole heap of them. Not a problem for us- of course the more the merrier. That was the first time i met KA, a goth chick like myself ( being goth was the rage back then) she sat four seats away, constantly glimpsing in my direction. I however was more interested in Shannel's cousin Shannon ( this will be elaborated in another post) , but KA kept throwing popcorn my way, making small talk...she even switched seats-- now she was 2 seats away. I was oblivious to the way girls flirt, i still am actually.Kern my guy friend opposite me, smirked "wat boy that girl have it bad for you" to which i whispered under my breath" ummm no Shannon is my thing"...I reached for some candy- M&M's a big pack, the almond kind- the ones i Love, being the gentleman i try to be, i offered to everyone, when i came to KA, she said " Yea I'll take one please" I passed the bag to her, that was the last I ever saw of my precious M&M's she kept the entire thing, smiled coyly saying"if i wanted it i would have to come get it". Needless o say, i did want it but i didn't go get it, i was too busy sitting next to Shannon. From then i swore to everyone, KA was my mortal enemy. Of course i was kidding,however i avoided her cause she scared me, she was the in your face type, the complete opposite of your truly who is the shy secluded one.

Couple weeks later Shannel had her going away party, she was headed to the US to study, all my friends were there, Kern picked me up...we discussed who would be there and who we didn't want to run into, "the crazy chick is going to be there" he laughed , with a twisted look on my face" who?" KA....it didn't cross my mind that because she was Shannel's cousin she would be there and she was...goth dressed, like myself, spikes, chains the whole works. She came over said hello and handed me a black bag. In the bag there were like 10 packs of M&M's , she said sorry for stealing my candy..i said it was no biggie, -- ever since that day she was called M&Ms by everyone , and was pretty embarrassed at her behavior, i said" no biggie-- it really wasn't--, and i was far from angry, its all in good fun:...You really weren't angry she said, of course not, ok good, so you gonna give back the m&M's? Hell no! was my reply...I ate it all that night...

KA and hung out for most of the night, because my date Shannon was busy being the hostess. We talked, danced got to really know each other. She was a really kool girl. At the end of the night we exchanged numbers. well not exchange. Kern and i was headed off, when she burst throw the crowd of limers outside, came up to me, planted one on my lips and slipped me her number. I was dumbfounded, all i heard was hooting and hollering , I sat in Kern's car and got the biggest pat on my back ever. At this stage in my life i was fighting my homosexual feelings so hard, at the party, i was checking out -as much as i tried not to- , the guys there.Some of them were pretty hott. Few days later i got a message on my phone asking me why i hadn't called her, it was from Kern, he had gotten the msg from Niki, who had gotten it from Shannel, who got it from her sister Marissa. Our own little Bmobile network. At the end of that day, i called her.

Nervous, unsure, i wanted to throw up...I didn't know what to say or do, all i knew is that this is what was expected of me. We hit it off that night, speaking of everything from school, to cartoons, music, family....as time progressed KA and i became really close friends. She confessed her huge crush on me, and asked how i felt. This happened like months after. I told her that i liked her also, and i did...but obviously not in the way she wanted me to. We decided to go on a date. This after a scenario with Shannon played off. When my post about Shannon happens, it will all make sense. By this time, my inkling towards the same sex had grown, KA and i met, we had our date, we also had no sexual chemistry whatsoever, -what do u expected form a guy questioning his sexuality-. She was devastated, and kept asking me why I was scared to hold her hand, why was i acting like i now meet her, and not like "a boyfriend" My reply was simply nerves.Upset, she did the most childish thing - hooked up with another guy, after i refused to kiss her at the pool hall. I wasn't hurt, just embarrassed. She wanted to have a make up date, but i refused.We stopped speaking for about 2 months.

That guy she hooked up with on our first "date' later went on to become her steady boyfriend, i was happy for her, i still am. In the days i didn't hear from KA she crossed my mind several times, mostly when i was sitting alone sulking, thinking, i had the chance to have a gf and i blew it.I thought i would never hear from her again, but 2 months later in the middle of the night i got a call from her, don't know what prompted it but it happened. She asked for forgiveness, for being so disrespectful to me on our "date" I did make it clear that i was embarrassed, and felt hurt after. We patched thing up that night, and agreed that the best thing for us both were to be friends. From that day onwards KA and I were the best of friends, We have seen each other through up and downs, family matters, work matters, infidelity, trauma...I've always tried my best to be there for her in anyway i could. We laugh, we cried, we had our small fights, but at the end of it all we were good as gold.

When i came to the realization that i was indeed gay, the courage to tell her didn't come. Not only would it break her heart, i was scared that she would leave me....that Will would lose his Grace. So i didn't, the subject of having a gf always came up, and my answer would almost always be, haven't found someone with the right chemistry yet... we both could relate to that, so she accepted that answer. Its was not until the whole drama with BF numero uno (which will also be in another post) He told her point blank that i was gay, that he had proof ..she asked one, twice, three times at different intervals, i denied it all, until one day i finally caved, i was emotionally drained....i didn't care what her reaction would be, luckily it was a good one...she was glad i found love ( my current bf) i was her official gay best friend she chimed...then proceeded to fantasize about the things we would be doing together...shopping being on the top of the list...-i was not having any of that-, I'm not going to be stereotyped i said...relax, I'm kidding is what she replied.But we are so going to check out guys together

After the whole coming out to her -not by choice-, we became even closer. She pretended to be my gf, at my office Christmas party, we were the hottest couple there...everyone in my office especially the big "players" had their jaw on the floor. Did I mention that KA is very sexy....she's a beauty.We planned to look extra sexy that night, picked out a hot short dress for her, i was decked in a blazer with a jeans that hugged all the right places.KA and i was awesome together, we always had fun, always laughing, it was like we were hand and glove. I accompanied her to her Xmas bash, cause her bf couldn't make it...at the time she was going through some fidelity issues. Where i was deemed as the wrong one, cause i always advised her not to cheat, and she would just throw my advice out of the window.

The object of her affection - a co worker, older than her and what i would deem as a player...but KA just couldn't see it no matter how much i pointed it out to her. He had a GF, also her co worker,he told KA this is just a fling and that he intends to marry his GF, yet KA still clung on to him like make up on a drag queen. I tried my utter best, with as much advice as i could give, including telling her in not so nice words that she was an ass, and needed to get a grip -- i had to dish out some tough love, unknowing to me, KA would go back and tell her object what i was advising, so without even meeting him, i was deemed hate worthy. Before the Xmas bash KA and i discussed that we would avoid her object, that tonight was about all the free food at the Hyatt.

It began well enough, i faked my confidence , met and greeted her bosses , friends with smiles. Then object came into the room headed straight to our table and sat down. The night went downhill from there, KA got visibly upset when object was called out by his Gf to join them at their table....I looked at her, saw the hurt in her eyes and said think about ur bf, she said i'm not on that lets get some drinks....I never hung out with KA in a setting like this, it was always lunch, movies, shooting pool, nothing like a club scene. We got drinks, we got drinks, we got drinks, we got drink....lots of drinks....we got hammered, her more than me. At the end of the night, i was in the ladies washroom, holding her hair back while she threw up. It was embarrassing for her and I both...pretty soon her co workers came to her rescue..and i was pushed aside. I was no way close to being as drunk as she was, since i drink sensibly, drink-water-drink-water, thats how it was for me, i tried to form that pattern with her, but KA was having none of it, she was drink-drink-harder drink. Me not knowing her limit didn't say that enough until she threw up. I got her water, club soda...all of which her friends brushed aside and said she needed to rest. Word got around, and object was soon outside the washroom alongside me waiting for her to come out.He stood there, and the conversation went

Him: i don't like you and you don't like me
Me: I don't know you to make that decision
Him: well i heard
Me: or ok
Him: silence....
Me: texting my bf
Him: she should have never gotten to this point
Me: looking up
Him: she came here with you, you are responsible for her, how could you let her get this drunk
Me:KA is a big woman you know
him: that no excuse
Me: thinking..he's right
Him:when she comes out here i will take her home
Me: she came with me so I'll take her
Him: silence
Me:checking my phone, the bf says when i ready he is outside* he's been there for 2 hours now

KA come out of the washroom, her entourage ( some of them just as drunk as her) trailing behind. She looks at me and then at object and rushes into objects arms, i pull her aside and asked what are you doing? she says i want object, only object can get me sober, to which i reply OMG are you serious, she brushes me aside and goes to him...object is leaning on the wall with the biggest grin on his face. I go up to him, and say make sure she gets home safe, i look at her " text me wen you get home" I leave, meet my bf downstairs, and rant about it-- before i go thou i take a couple shots of something clear. so by the time i reach down stairs I'm a bumbling fool. I was so angry. The next day i don't hear from her, i am worried ...i call her she is ok....thank fully....but somehow, i am being blamed whole fully for her drunkenness. We had a big argument.I was deeply offended, how could she place all the blame on me, i admit that i could have said stopped her with the drinking, but i didn't know her tolerance level...my judgment could have been better.

The days to follow wasn't good ...her bf blamed me, object said i got her drunk purposefully to take advantage of her, her co workers all assumed the same thing. She didn't even defend me, when i asked her why didn't she, she said the only thing comes to her mind was that I'm gay , so that wasn't the case, but she didn't want to sell out my secret.I took the blame, i didn't care- i don't know and dont care to know any of them-. The straw that broke the camel's back, however was the fact that her bf was placing blame squarely on me for her poor conduct. At that point, i was so pissed i didn't care for KA to be my friend anymore, we stopped speaking for about 2 months again . She called me once again,apologized that she didn't take some of the blame, we decided to just forget the whole incident happened. Our relationship was never the same again, some how it felt like her attitude towards me had changed, and not in a good way. Still i tried to be there for her whenever i could, but Sunday past...something occurred that makes me want nothing to do with her again....

This is how school started...

In my head Secondary School was a book filled with blank pages , just waiting to write my new life in. All the bullies from Primary school were all but gone, no one knew of my fem past -I was a new person. Completely 'normal'. During the registration process, i met up with a couple guys from Primary school I guess moving from a one building school to this huge multi building, multiple story school had us all a bit scared ,so trying to cling on to some sort of familiarity we became fast friends. Each one of these guys did tease me at one time of the other,especially the one called Matthew he was the worse amongst the bunch but somehow here we were enemies....scared of a common element,ended up talking and laughing like best of buds.

Assuming that we were all going into the same class, we headed to the auditorium better known as the hall. Soon they were calling out the names of each student for each class, we were all separated, except of course me and Matthew..just my luck. We were placed in the same class. being the anti social dove i am, it was awkward sitting there among all those new faces, each one of us sitting with a somber look , Matthew came into the class room after i had gotten there and asked if he could sit, what other choice did i have...i said sure. We were silent , the occasional glance was exchanged , sometimes him pointing out a guy or girl he knew walking through the corridor. You see the school was situated about 6 houses away from Matthew's residence,therefore he was familiar with alot of the students.That was the last time Matthew and i were ever going to be anything close to friends.

The first day of school, Matthew had already made friends over the summer... a couple of the boys from the class lived in the neighbourhood. I was alone siting at my desk, when this huge guy, well compared to myself asked if he can sit next to me. I dare not say no. Bell rang , and our form teacher came in- sat down to the usual business of introducing the concept of secondary school, to us...then through the door came the most wonderful sight ever...one of my friends from Primary school...Vijesh...he got a transfer. I didn't feel so alone, he sat in the front desk, The teacher, started switching students around....yup...Vijesh was placed next to me. So far the first day of school was going good. That's until after lunch when we experienced our first ever free period. the guys including myself gathered on one side of the room, talking , laughing about cartoons, sports, movies - then the subject of girls came up and each of us were asked to pick a girl who we would like to date. When my turn came up I picked dreamy Rianna , i spoke to her briefly during lunch time and was completely smitten. This some how struck a chord with Matthew , he was apparently in love with her....I don't recall how the confrontation happened, its sort of blurry...i remember him saying, "a girl like you can't like she"...to which some of the other guys replied "how yuh cud call d man a guyl" then Matthew blurted out " he used to dance in school and thing , a big guyl"...something snapped inside me...I wasn't about to let Matthew throw ink all over my blank pages...i grabbed him my the collar and slammed him into the chalkboard, jacking him up...he struggled , but my rage had given me power i didn't know i had, the class made an up roar , at the same time the dean was passing. you can guess what happened next , I was sent straight to the principals office ..on the first day of school for fighting, I was so scared...luckily the principal was in a good mood- i was given a stern warning and sent back.When i there everyone was staring at me I felt so alienate, sitting down in my chair I buried my head into my book bag. Vijesh put his head on the desk next to mines and whispered...ha ha ha Matthew is an ass. I smiled. It made me feel better.

Matthew and i were sworn enemies from that day. I was elected as perfect of the class, and i think it was because of that fight.Matthew was even more hell bent of destroying me. He told any and everyone about my fem behavior in primary school, brought up stories of how they made fun of me , how i would cry, he was vomiting my primary school life to everyone, some people believed, some didn't. In secondary school i wasn't totally butch , there was a small part of me that was still fem, but i tried my utmost to control it, it can usually be seen when i was angry or excited, the hand gestures would just burst out of the woodwork. Form one I made alot of friends, Vijesh and i grew closer and was virtually inseparable. My crush was still Rianna, she and i would sit during lunch and any free periods we would get.This killed Matthew much to my delight. I didn't have any gay crushes, or thought about boys in any way besides being friends. I thought i was straight , I liked girls but the future had other plans. Next chapter forms 2&3.....

Masculinity 'r' us

I have to admit having summer workers is giving me lots to think about, today during lunch besides their usual homophobic remarks, there was a sudden surge of each person trying to out do the other by means of how many girls they have slept with, and the current number they are juggling. Each trying to outdo the other ( its like watching monkeys in a cage) then the subject of sports came up, who plays what...then the inevitable how much can you drink question. The way in which women are referred to got me pissed, to them women are no more than objects, trophies to say..."hey i did that"....I dunno why i was pissed at it, maybe because i have so many sisters , i would hate for any guy to refer to them as a trophy. These questions and answers all seem to prove whether or not these str8ies are masculine in the eyes of their peers, which brings me to the questions how do you prove your masculinity in the gay world? Do i sleep around with as many men as possible, boast about it, do i drink myself into a coma, ....or do i do as many str8 things as possible, including acting str8 --to prove my masculinity...do i top only? Are tops considered the masculine ones in the relationship? Its a question that i can't find a solid answer to, it can be many things....but I'm pretty sure its doesn't fall into the how many people you slept with category, in my book that's just tasteless.How about not showing emotion, guys who are in touch with their feelings are always labeled as gay, the old age saying "boys don't cry" come to mind.Masculinity and being gay just seems to cancel each other out, how can you be masculine , and be in love with another man....this subject is a big one, my opinion a masculine man is all about behavior, you walk tall, deep voice, manly ways, outdoorish....nothing to do with the numbers of men you bed. How did i prove my masculinity to them? afterall i was at the same table, when the question of how many girls I have now...I simply said my days of playing the field are over...laughter ensued ....i said" laugh nah the day you find the right one you guys will be the same way"....one the guys guys made a cracking whip sound (indicating i was pussy whipped) I laughed, not at that but at the fact that girls are the last thing on my mind....

Fag

My company recently took in some "summer workers" I usually have nothing to do with these "workers" unless absolutely necessary, I placed workers in inverted commas because they only work when the big boss is around, anyway.... one of them is obviously homophobic...during lunch he called one of the other guys a fag for sitting too close to him. I got angry, got up and punched him in the face....it happened like that in my head.Reality wise I ignored them, and continued having my lunch. The guy who the insult was hurled at shot back "yuh feel i on boys like you" and pulled himself further away. I laughed a little, not at any of the name calling, but at the fact that these guys treat being gay as some sort of contagious killer disease. If it was, everyone in that lunch room would be gay plus the fact that they are not the best looking guys around - i don't think any guy would look at them twice, ok ok let me speak for myself, i wouldn't look at them twice...yet in their minds every guy or gay man is seemingly "after" them. I know this wouldn't be the last time i hear these degrading words, I'm trying my best not to let this affect me but I'm angry and hurt, to be gay in Trinidad puts u lower than a dog in the streets in these guys eyes....its sad to say but there are many out there who share this view....yet another reason i hesitate to tell any close str8ies about my sexual preference.

When i was young...

The younger me was feminine, i hung out with girls and never could blend in with all the guys. My sisters, yes sisters 4 of them were like my best friends, my brother however was my mortal enemy....mom couldn't leave him and I in a room alone cause bet your bottom dollar when she comes back one of us would be dead. I dare say i hated him, i don't know why but i did. My cousins were all girls, the ones around my age, the guys would have nothing to do with me because i was young and the younger boys were just to little to hang with, so i was constantly surrounded by girls.

I won't say i had a horrible child hood, because i know that many children experienced worse that i did. My child hood as i remember it was good. My parents tried their best to provide for 6 of us, we didn't get everything we asked for, most of the times i would be wearing my brother's hand me downs.Looking back today I am very grateful for having both my parents, we were poor..mom is a typical Indian housewife....she would take care of all the house duties, while dad was the breadwinner....small difference though my dad loved to cook and often he would tell my mom to take a rest while he would prepare the meals on weekends.Never had much of anything but we made do with whatever we had, yea i complained, cried, hated them at some times but we always had clean clothes, and food however meager in our tummy. I am grateful today.

I don't know when i grew out of my feminine behavior, maybe it was the first fist fight i had in Secondary School, but i did....the years that i was the girly boy was torture....it still tortures me today. I'd like to think hanging with all those girls had some sort of effect on me...i didn't know how a boy was supposed to act. All i know is in the eyes of everyone else i was girly.Primary school was probably the worse, I was never a good looking boy.. the constant name calling, i was made fun of on a daily basis not only by students but by teachers as well. I would be kicked, punched and pushed during recess, didn't know why I never tried to fight back, truthfully i was scared i would have gotten my ass kicked. I took it ,became a quiet introvert child at school, home however i was deemed a menace, a child full with issues, anger issues. Fighting with my brother, with the neighborhood children, disrespecting the adults. Of course all this ended up as licks for me. The next day i would do it all over again i never cared for life.

I had a couple of friends, they were great, we were the outsiders, no one liked us ..we didn't care. Mom tried her best with me academically, she would sit and teach me, even though she only had a high school education she tried, and it paid off...i was always at the top of my class, from infants straight up to std 5 i was always in the top 5. It was something i was proud of, no matter how many times i stupesed at it like i didn't care, i did. My sister encouraged me to join the temple at a young age, i picked up dancing. I excelled at it...this wasn't good, but no one objected , parents were supportive...but this Indian dancing, coupled with my fem ways meant death by degrees. I ended up being the lead of the group, we danced at Diwali shows, at school functions, at cookings...i was a performer. All this happened in primary school,this didn't sit well with my bullies, it only gave them more ammo. I was labeled aunty, fag, buller...you name a name I've been called it.

I didn't care dancing made me happy. I had male friends they were kool with it, strangely they never associated with me when their parents were around, do i blame them? My dad hardly spoke to me during this time, i was my mothers child, well as much as i would let her. I was still a menace. I was betrayed by many friends who turned on me and starting teasing me, it was considered the cool thing to do. Only one teacher would care whether or not i was being bullied during break time, she was an angel, the others seemed to rather enjoy it or didn't care. After performing in our own Diwali function in my village,i was picked on there too....one small difference, home i fought back. I got into so many fights at home that my mom forbid me to go outside. So i was kept inside entertained by the television.

I had alot of girl crushes in Primary school, my heart would melt at the site of Aariti she was my love, we were friends I never confessed my love to her ( haha love at such a young age) but treasured every moment spent with her. In std 4 and 5 my focus shifted from Aariti and unto other girls, but i was always deemed ugly and rejected....yea childhood heart beak was the worse, and childeren can be very mean and evil.I never had luck with girls.

When i would walk the street to go to the shop however the name calling would happen, i would just flip the guys the bird and go on with my life, even the shopkeeper would make fun of me. It was not nice. But I pushed on. There were times i wished i was dead, i cursed god...i hated everyone and everything...but i pushed on. I had one best friend and he would stick up for me in school. The girls i hung out with would stick up for me also, those were the days i went home happy. Sometimes they wouldn't be around and i would have to experience the full brunt of the bullying, I cant tell you how many times i cried in Primary school. In fact my eyes are welling up with water as i write this.

I don't know how my fem behavior affected my family, i was too caught up in my own dark world to notice, but I'm guessing my brother hated it that's why we couldn't get along . I was a fighter and i still am. But only when i am pushed to my breaking point, other wise i use the line sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will not hurt... much. But words hurt alot. Can you imagine being 10 years walking the street and having grown adults calling you names like buller...i didn't even know what buller meant, all i knew it was bad. The day before common entrance ( an exam to judge which secondary school you are qualified for ) I was zombified, he choked me so hard i thought i would die, this incident stands out in my mind because my mom noticed the marks around my neck and asked me if i was fighting, i said yes...i got a coating of licks. Anyway it really screwed with my head, because he threatened to kill me once again..I went into the exams room a scared child. When results came out some months after, everyone had a puzzled look on their face when i passed for a 5 year secondary school instead of one the more prestigious 7 year colleges.

Never the less i was proud, cause my best friend passed for the same school, his parents weren't satisfied so he re wrote the exam. I was all alone once again heading out to secondary school. My parents however were filled with glee, since my brother and sister had both previously passed for 3 year junior secondary, i was the first to pass for a 5 year in my family. I was promised a bike, it never came...i did however get KFC and in my family that was just as good. I sat down and made up my mind that secondary school would be a new beginning for me , that i would leave everything behind and start new. I quit dancing much to my sisters and everyone in the group dismay....I was excited for this new chapter in my life, maybe for once i would love school....A new beginning is what i told myself.

I am scared

I came across some sexually explicit blogs recently, not the video/ picture kind--i like those :)- its gay guys recording their sexual escapades. Barebacking sex with multiple strangers, orgies, i read about a guy who is married to his partner of 7 years but yet everyday after work he meets strangers off the net to have unprotected sex. It scares and disgusts me.Luckily it does not take place in Trinidad, but its these sexually promiscuous guys that makes me very afraid of coming out to anyone close to me...sadly its this kind of behavior that gets imprinted into the minds of the str8.....giving them the misconception that all gay guys are slutty whores who only look for sex. I am not a slutty whore, i love sex yes....but i wanna find love with a guy, real love, love that makes you get up in the morning singing ...the kind of love that puts that extra bounce in your step...I'm happy to say that i'm discovering love like that each day.....I don't want to be labeled as a sex maniac.

On another note I think my parents are suspecting something, recently my mother has been asking me when she is going to meet the girl. To which i reply soon :S....."Time to marrid" is all i seem to hear from the neighbours....I don't know how i'm going to continute having a bf and not have them get more suspicious.

A memory

Looking back no matter how hard i try, i can't seem to pinpoint the exact time when i realized i was gay. Guys were never interesting to me in Primary school, i had many girl crushes, in Secondary School it was the same , until the middle of form four when Assad was transferred to our school, from St Georges College....the first time i laid eyes on that boy, i was in love.His eyes, his smile, the way his hair fell right above his eyes.....everything.... Being the prefect I was assigned to show him around, of course I did not mind. I tried my best to contain my excitement , and played it cool. He was my first boycrush. I would do anything to be close to him, trade seats, volunteer to be his lab partner...i was a desperate dee dee. We actually became good friends, he sat next to me during all our free periods, we exchanged notes during class, sharing jokes, dissing each other...i was in love...I was scared also that someone would find out, so even though i wanted to be with him every single free moment, i couldn't. Whenever he sat next to me and our legs touched i would melt, his hand brushed against mines on more than one occasion, i was beginning to think that he felt the same way.I dare not say anything,just relished the moments it happened. He came from a very strict Muslim family, so its more probable if anything was there he would have suppressed it. After form 5 we kept in contact a couple months, and then that was it , i never heard from him again. My lack of a house phone was a major cause for this .Occasionally I would get a letter to which a reply was sent, just to touch base.I ran into him earlier this year at the gas station, we recognized each other , he was on the opposite side so we just waved, all my feelings just rushed back , and i realized that i truly was in love with him.He sent me a friend request on FB, where we spoke a bit. Even though nothing happened, and nothing ever will ( he's engaged) I still treasure that warm feeling i got when he sat next to me, or wrote a joke to cheer me up, he will always have the title of being my first ever boycrush.

Thanks

I never dreamed that people would read my blog, or there were people out there with similar experiences -- people with words of encouragement. Here i am 10 followers, words of encouragement, and hope that this wound would heal. I want to say a heartful thanks to everyone who has passed through my blog, you guys would not believe how much it means to me. THANK YOU. I felt so alone, for so long-- it feels different now.

I dreamed a dream

The day was hot,the night was no different. It was like an oven in my room...my small lasko fan spinning uncaring from one side of the room to the other....disbursing the hot air, giving little relief to me. i lay in my bed , nothing particularly solid in my head, slowly dozing off into a hot uncomfortable sleep. Suddenly i was swept back to my 10 year old body, lying- pinned down on the floor, unable to move my hands or feet,i scream but alas no sound permeates the still room.Slowly a figure appears forming from smoke over me..his hands , his body, his smirk, zombie was over me holding me down....desperate now, i struggle with all my might but to no avail. Zombie is fully formed now over me, naked he leans in closer i can feel his hot breath against my cheek , he whispers...."I'll fucking kill you if yuh tell anyone" ....I woke up in such a fright, dripping with sweat, scared and confused...making my way out of bed ,i slowly open the door to the back yard.....glimpsing the clock, its 12.45am, i make my way to my favorite spot, the cool air cuts sharply against my drenched body, clad only in my underwear and vest, i sit on the bench and look up at the stars. The stars seem to bring me more comfort than anything else,i feel small looking up at them, in the back of my mind, a small voice comforts me...its says...its not that bad.I quickly feel cold,and yearn for the comfort of my hot room, the dogs begin to bark....i sleek away into my room before my parents wake up. i can't fall asleep . I'm too scared.

Fuck U

I jus came across this, it makes me feel good about myself

Childhood....

Looking back now my childhood was not a very happy one.I had alot more downs than ups....i tried my best in school , i didn't have much friends and i was a very angry individual.I still am sometimes. I don't know how to summarize it , i guess i'll have to hit the memories that still bother me up to today...and see how that goes.....

The Begining....

I am at a loss as to where to being this post....here goes---i was molested at a young age till form 2...it all started when i was about 8-9 i cant recall exactly when, I've tried so hard to forget, that its all in bits and pieces ...i feel dirty just thinking back on it....i feel so helpless and ashamed. The said person who i will now refer to as "zombie" cause zombies scare me. Zombie was much older than me, he was about 19 or so when the touching began, it gradually escalated in to fully blown oral sex, and then intercourse...it was sometimes violent...i would be left with bruises on my arms and legs, it was only gentle if i was willing, so to save myself from pain, i became willing. It occurred on a daily basis, and my parents suspected nothing, you see they trusted zombie. Zombie in my mind will always be an evil person that made threats to my life, and the life of my sisters if i ever breathed a word to anyone. I felt sick after each incident, so much so i would go to the washroom and lock myself in there for hours crying, praying, cussing. My mind will only carry me so far back, the memories are hidden so deep within it, to get to them i would have to peel away millions of layers of scar tissue. I had my first orgasm experience with zombie, i felt weak in the knees, i thought i was going to die, the next day i got feverish, i said my prayers and got ready to die...i was so stupid back then....Only 2 people on this earth knows what happened to me....(more of that to come later). Zombie took away my virginity and i hate him for it, i was left bleeding a couple times after he came over, he would run scared home....i was left with the pain. I am disgusted with myself, because there were times i enjoyed it....i enjoyed the molestation.....god, this is harder than i thought.....i didn't tell anyone cause i was scared i was going to be blamed, that i would be beaten and locked away as a freak, i never once stopped and thought ......maybe i was the victim, i was a stupid boy. Zombie finally left the country when i was in form 2, it was the happiest day in my life, no more pain....no more shame.....i was free. Little did i know that the psychological pain was only beginning, for the rest of my life i would have panic dreams, i would get up in cold sweats. This psychological damage is more horrid than the physical pain i felt. I stole a book on molestation from the library....i was too ashamed to borrow it, i read for 2 nights straight.....now i have a better understanding , now i can truly begin to heal and pick up the pieces of my shattered mind.

And the fabric unravels ....

Its been 3 years since i accepted that i was indeed gay, I fought it for as long as i could but u can't fight nature no matter how hard you try, and i have tried hard. I wanted a family, i still do actually...i wanted a big Hindu wedding with lots of dancing, tassa, friends, family, food...i cant have that now, in fact i don't think i will be able to get married at all.It hurts, i curse god sometimes i didn't ask to be born this way, i didn't have a choice in the matter....or did i? The beginning is so hard to write about, it means i will have to go within myself, find the lost forgotten memories, relive the pain, relive the shame , walk down the broken path....i must...I've made this decision to....too many nights, memories haunt me, to many times i find myself beating the positivity out of me....i am my own worse enemy, I'm doing this because i want to become my friend...i want to look at myself in the mirror and say.....its ok, i love me.....finding the words or where to start is a challenge but start i must and start i will .....I'm a gay Trinidadian of east Indian descent , I'll be 25 this year but i think like a 12 year old in fact many times you'll probably find me playing catch or some other game with my little brother....i come from a medium size family 8 of us in all ,2 brothers and 3 sisters, both my parents. Typical Hindu home i guess, but what is really typical?, I personally am not abundantly religious but i do pray and i do believe in god.I currently have a wonderful boyfriend, the second gay relationship i've had...I'm a happy person most of the times....scratch that....these days most of the times i am a depressed person...well here goes the story is about to unfold *takes deep breath*

The wolf howls....

I'm frustrated, drained emotionally and physically, i want to depart this earth, i look in the mirror , what i see makes me sick....I'm disgusted with myself...I'm so low right now , that thoughts of suicide is back in my head.This blog was just a way for me to bicker about my bf, but i realized that i don't get the time to come here and it wasn't helping me in any way..now as i sit here- 2 am Saturday morning- i need an outlet...someone to talk to ...someway to drain my system of the poison that lurks within it. The same poison that I've been trying to get rid of since i have known myself.I had a nightmare, a surreal nightmare of a memory lost long ago, now for some reason i just vomited it up and it swirls around me, causing me to cold sweat , to cry, to be angry, to hate myself....to the beginning, i have to completely thread back to the beginning and purge my soul- for once in my life its time to be blatantly honest.To free myself of the chains i created. To finally be whole...to be healed....