The Begining....

I am at a loss as to where to being this post....here goes---i was molested at a young age till form 2...it all started when i was about 8-9 i cant recall exactly when, I've tried so hard to forget, that its all in bits and pieces ...i feel dirty just thinking back on it....i feel so helpless and ashamed. The said person who i will now refer to as "zombie" cause zombies scare me. Zombie was much older than me, he was about 19 or so when the touching began, it gradually escalated in to fully blown oral sex, and then intercourse...it was sometimes violent...i would be left with bruises on my arms and legs, it was only gentle if i was willing, so to save myself from pain, i became willing. It occurred on a daily basis, and my parents suspected nothing, you see they trusted zombie. Zombie in my mind will always be an evil person that made threats to my life, and the life of my sisters if i ever breathed a word to anyone. I felt sick after each incident, so much so i would go to the washroom and lock myself in there for hours crying, praying, cussing. My mind will only carry me so far back, the memories are hidden so deep within it, to get to them i would have to peel away millions of layers of scar tissue. I had my first orgasm experience with zombie, i felt weak in the knees, i thought i was going to die, the next day i got feverish, i said my prayers and got ready to die...i was so stupid back then....Only 2 people on this earth knows what happened to me....(more of that to come later). Zombie took away my virginity and i hate him for it, i was left bleeding a couple times after he came over, he would run scared home....i was left with the pain. I am disgusted with myself, because there were times i enjoyed it....i enjoyed the molestation.....god, this is harder than i thought.....i didn't tell anyone cause i was scared i was going to be blamed, that i would be beaten and locked away as a freak, i never once stopped and thought ......maybe i was the victim, i was a stupid boy. Zombie finally left the country when i was in form 2, it was the happiest day in my life, no more pain....no more shame.....i was free. Little did i know that the psychological pain was only beginning, for the rest of my life i would have panic dreams, i would get up in cold sweats. This psychological damage is more horrid than the physical pain i felt. I stole a book on molestation from the library....i was too ashamed to borrow it, i read for 2 nights straight.....now i have a better understanding , now i can truly begin to heal and pick up the pieces of my shattered mind.

And the fabric unravels ....

Its been 3 years since i accepted that i was indeed gay, I fought it for as long as i could but u can't fight nature no matter how hard you try, and i have tried hard. I wanted a family, i still do actually...i wanted a big Hindu wedding with lots of dancing, tassa, friends, family, food...i cant have that now, in fact i don't think i will be able to get married at all.It hurts, i curse god sometimes i didn't ask to be born this way, i didn't have a choice in the matter....or did i? The beginning is so hard to write about, it means i will have to go within myself, find the lost forgotten memories, relive the pain, relive the shame , walk down the broken path....i must...I've made this decision to....too many nights, memories haunt me, to many times i find myself beating the positivity out of me....i am my own worse enemy, I'm doing this because i want to become my friend...i want to look at myself in the mirror and say.....its ok, i love me.....finding the words or where to start is a challenge but start i must and start i will .....I'm a gay Trinidadian of east Indian descent , I'll be 25 this year but i think like a 12 year old in fact many times you'll probably find me playing catch or some other game with my little brother....i come from a medium size family 8 of us in all ,2 brothers and 3 sisters, both my parents. Typical Hindu home i guess, but what is really typical?, I personally am not abundantly religious but i do pray and i do believe in god.I currently have a wonderful boyfriend, the second gay relationship i've had...I'm a happy person most of the times....scratch that....these days most of the times i am a depressed person...well here goes the story is about to unfold *takes deep breath*

The wolf howls....

I'm frustrated, drained emotionally and physically, i want to depart this earth, i look in the mirror , what i see makes me sick....I'm disgusted with myself...I'm so low right now , that thoughts of suicide is back in my head.This blog was just a way for me to bicker about my bf, but i realized that i don't get the time to come here and it wasn't helping me in any way..now as i sit here- 2 am Saturday morning- i need an outlet...someone to talk to ...someway to drain my system of the poison that lurks within it. The same poison that I've been trying to get rid of since i have known myself.I had a nightmare, a surreal nightmare of a memory lost long ago, now for some reason i just vomited it up and it swirls around me, causing me to cold sweat , to cry, to be angry, to hate myself....to the beginning, i have to completely thread back to the beginning and purge my soul- for once in my life its time to be blatantly honest.To free myself of the chains i created. To finally be whole...to be healed....