Masculinity 'r' us

I have to admit having summer workers is giving me lots to think about, today during lunch besides their usual homophobic remarks, there was a sudden surge of each person trying to out do the other by means of how many girls they have slept with, and the current number they are juggling. Each trying to outdo the other ( its like watching monkeys in a cage) then the subject of sports came up, who plays what...then the inevitable how much can you drink question. The way in which women are referred to got me pissed, to them women are no more than objects, trophies to say..."hey i did that"....I dunno why i was pissed at it, maybe because i have so many sisters , i would hate for any guy to refer to them as a trophy. These questions and answers all seem to prove whether or not these str8ies are masculine in the eyes of their peers, which brings me to the questions how do you prove your masculinity in the gay world? Do i sleep around with as many men as possible, boast about it, do i drink myself into a coma, ....or do i do as many str8 things as possible, including acting str8 --to prove my masculinity...do i top only? Are tops considered the masculine ones in the relationship? Its a question that i can't find a solid answer to, it can be many things....but I'm pretty sure its doesn't fall into the how many people you slept with category, in my book that's just tasteless.How about not showing emotion, guys who are in touch with their feelings are always labeled as gay, the old age saying "boys don't cry" come to mind.Masculinity and being gay just seems to cancel each other out, how can you be masculine , and be in love with another man....this subject is a big one, my opinion a masculine man is all about behavior, you walk tall, deep voice, manly ways, outdoorish....nothing to do with the numbers of men you bed. How did i prove my masculinity to them? afterall i was at the same table, when the question of how many girls I have now...I simply said my days of playing the field are over...laughter ensued ....i said" laugh nah the day you find the right one you guys will be the same way"....one the guys guys made a cracking whip sound (indicating i was pussy whipped) I laughed, not at that but at the fact that girls are the last thing on my mind....

Fag

My company recently took in some "summer workers" I usually have nothing to do with these "workers" unless absolutely necessary, I placed workers in inverted commas because they only work when the big boss is around, anyway.... one of them is obviously homophobic...during lunch he called one of the other guys a fag for sitting too close to him. I got angry, got up and punched him in the face....it happened like that in my head.Reality wise I ignored them, and continued having my lunch. The guy who the insult was hurled at shot back "yuh feel i on boys like you" and pulled himself further away. I laughed a little, not at any of the name calling, but at the fact that these guys treat being gay as some sort of contagious killer disease. If it was, everyone in that lunch room would be gay plus the fact that they are not the best looking guys around - i don't think any guy would look at them twice, ok ok let me speak for myself, i wouldn't look at them twice...yet in their minds every guy or gay man is seemingly "after" them. I know this wouldn't be the last time i hear these degrading words, I'm trying my best not to let this affect me but I'm angry and hurt, to be gay in Trinidad puts u lower than a dog in the streets in these guys eyes....its sad to say but there are many out there who share this view....yet another reason i hesitate to tell any close str8ies about my sexual preference.

When i was young...

The younger me was feminine, i hung out with girls and never could blend in with all the guys. My sisters, yes sisters 4 of them were like my best friends, my brother however was my mortal enemy....mom couldn't leave him and I in a room alone cause bet your bottom dollar when she comes back one of us would be dead. I dare say i hated him, i don't know why but i did. My cousins were all girls, the ones around my age, the guys would have nothing to do with me because i was young and the younger boys were just to little to hang with, so i was constantly surrounded by girls.

I won't say i had a horrible child hood, because i know that many children experienced worse that i did. My child hood as i remember it was good. My parents tried their best to provide for 6 of us, we didn't get everything we asked for, most of the times i would be wearing my brother's hand me downs.Looking back today I am very grateful for having both my parents, we were poor..mom is a typical Indian housewife....she would take care of all the house duties, while dad was the breadwinner....small difference though my dad loved to cook and often he would tell my mom to take a rest while he would prepare the meals on weekends.Never had much of anything but we made do with whatever we had, yea i complained, cried, hated them at some times but we always had clean clothes, and food however meager in our tummy. I am grateful today.

I don't know when i grew out of my feminine behavior, maybe it was the first fist fight i had in Secondary School, but i did....the years that i was the girly boy was torture....it still tortures me today. I'd like to think hanging with all those girls had some sort of effect on me...i didn't know how a boy was supposed to act. All i know is in the eyes of everyone else i was girly.Primary school was probably the worse, I was never a good looking boy.. the constant name calling, i was made fun of on a daily basis not only by students but by teachers as well. I would be kicked, punched and pushed during recess, didn't know why I never tried to fight back, truthfully i was scared i would have gotten my ass kicked. I took it ,became a quiet introvert child at school, home however i was deemed a menace, a child full with issues, anger issues. Fighting with my brother, with the neighborhood children, disrespecting the adults. Of course all this ended up as licks for me. The next day i would do it all over again i never cared for life.

I had a couple of friends, they were great, we were the outsiders, no one liked us ..we didn't care. Mom tried her best with me academically, she would sit and teach me, even though she only had a high school education she tried, and it paid off...i was always at the top of my class, from infants straight up to std 5 i was always in the top 5. It was something i was proud of, no matter how many times i stupesed at it like i didn't care, i did. My sister encouraged me to join the temple at a young age, i picked up dancing. I excelled at it...this wasn't good, but no one objected , parents were supportive...but this Indian dancing, coupled with my fem ways meant death by degrees. I ended up being the lead of the group, we danced at Diwali shows, at school functions, at cookings...i was a performer. All this happened in primary school,this didn't sit well with my bullies, it only gave them more ammo. I was labeled aunty, fag, buller...you name a name I've been called it.

I didn't care dancing made me happy. I had male friends they were kool with it, strangely they never associated with me when their parents were around, do i blame them? My dad hardly spoke to me during this time, i was my mothers child, well as much as i would let her. I was still a menace. I was betrayed by many friends who turned on me and starting teasing me, it was considered the cool thing to do. Only one teacher would care whether or not i was being bullied during break time, she was an angel, the others seemed to rather enjoy it or didn't care. After performing in our own Diwali function in my village,i was picked on there too....one small difference, home i fought back. I got into so many fights at home that my mom forbid me to go outside. So i was kept inside entertained by the television.

I had alot of girl crushes in Primary school, my heart would melt at the site of Aariti she was my love, we were friends I never confessed my love to her ( haha love at such a young age) but treasured every moment spent with her. In std 4 and 5 my focus shifted from Aariti and unto other girls, but i was always deemed ugly and rejected....yea childhood heart beak was the worse, and childeren can be very mean and evil.I never had luck with girls.

When i would walk the street to go to the shop however the name calling would happen, i would just flip the guys the bird and go on with my life, even the shopkeeper would make fun of me. It was not nice. But I pushed on. There were times i wished i was dead, i cursed god...i hated everyone and everything...but i pushed on. I had one best friend and he would stick up for me in school. The girls i hung out with would stick up for me also, those were the days i went home happy. Sometimes they wouldn't be around and i would have to experience the full brunt of the bullying, I cant tell you how many times i cried in Primary school. In fact my eyes are welling up with water as i write this.

I don't know how my fem behavior affected my family, i was too caught up in my own dark world to notice, but I'm guessing my brother hated it that's why we couldn't get along . I was a fighter and i still am. But only when i am pushed to my breaking point, other wise i use the line sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will not hurt... much. But words hurt alot. Can you imagine being 10 years walking the street and having grown adults calling you names like buller...i didn't even know what buller meant, all i knew it was bad. The day before common entrance ( an exam to judge which secondary school you are qualified for ) I was zombified, he choked me so hard i thought i would die, this incident stands out in my mind because my mom noticed the marks around my neck and asked me if i was fighting, i said yes...i got a coating of licks. Anyway it really screwed with my head, because he threatened to kill me once again..I went into the exams room a scared child. When results came out some months after, everyone had a puzzled look on their face when i passed for a 5 year secondary school instead of one the more prestigious 7 year colleges.

Never the less i was proud, cause my best friend passed for the same school, his parents weren't satisfied so he re wrote the exam. I was all alone once again heading out to secondary school. My parents however were filled with glee, since my brother and sister had both previously passed for 3 year junior secondary, i was the first to pass for a 5 year in my family. I was promised a bike, it never came...i did however get KFC and in my family that was just as good. I sat down and made up my mind that secondary school would be a new beginning for me , that i would leave everything behind and start new. I quit dancing much to my sisters and everyone in the group dismay....I was excited for this new chapter in my life, maybe for once i would love school....A new beginning is what i told myself.

I am scared

I came across some sexually explicit blogs recently, not the video/ picture kind--i like those :)- its gay guys recording their sexual escapades. Barebacking sex with multiple strangers, orgies, i read about a guy who is married to his partner of 7 years but yet everyday after work he meets strangers off the net to have unprotected sex. It scares and disgusts me.Luckily it does not take place in Trinidad, but its these sexually promiscuous guys that makes me very afraid of coming out to anyone close to me...sadly its this kind of behavior that gets imprinted into the minds of the str8.....giving them the misconception that all gay guys are slutty whores who only look for sex. I am not a slutty whore, i love sex yes....but i wanna find love with a guy, real love, love that makes you get up in the morning singing ...the kind of love that puts that extra bounce in your step...I'm happy to say that i'm discovering love like that each day.....I don't want to be labeled as a sex maniac.

On another note I think my parents are suspecting something, recently my mother has been asking me when she is going to meet the girl. To which i reply soon :S....."Time to marrid" is all i seem to hear from the neighbours....I don't know how i'm going to continute having a bf and not have them get more suspicious.

A memory

Looking back no matter how hard i try, i can't seem to pinpoint the exact time when i realized i was gay. Guys were never interesting to me in Primary school, i had many girl crushes, in Secondary School it was the same , until the middle of form four when Assad was transferred to our school, from St Georges College....the first time i laid eyes on that boy, i was in love.His eyes, his smile, the way his hair fell right above his eyes.....everything.... Being the prefect I was assigned to show him around, of course I did not mind. I tried my best to contain my excitement , and played it cool. He was my first boycrush. I would do anything to be close to him, trade seats, volunteer to be his lab partner...i was a desperate dee dee. We actually became good friends, he sat next to me during all our free periods, we exchanged notes during class, sharing jokes, dissing each other...i was in love...I was scared also that someone would find out, so even though i wanted to be with him every single free moment, i couldn't. Whenever he sat next to me and our legs touched i would melt, his hand brushed against mines on more than one occasion, i was beginning to think that he felt the same way.I dare not say anything,just relished the moments it happened. He came from a very strict Muslim family, so its more probable if anything was there he would have suppressed it. After form 5 we kept in contact a couple months, and then that was it , i never heard from him again. My lack of a house phone was a major cause for this .Occasionally I would get a letter to which a reply was sent, just to touch base.I ran into him earlier this year at the gas station, we recognized each other , he was on the opposite side so we just waved, all my feelings just rushed back , and i realized that i truly was in love with him.He sent me a friend request on FB, where we spoke a bit. Even though nothing happened, and nothing ever will ( he's engaged) I still treasure that warm feeling i got when he sat next to me, or wrote a joke to cheer me up, he will always have the title of being my first ever boycrush.

Thanks

I never dreamed that people would read my blog, or there were people out there with similar experiences -- people with words of encouragement. Here i am 10 followers, words of encouragement, and hope that this wound would heal. I want to say a heartful thanks to everyone who has passed through my blog, you guys would not believe how much it means to me. THANK YOU. I felt so alone, for so long-- it feels different now.

I dreamed a dream

The day was hot,the night was no different. It was like an oven in my room...my small lasko fan spinning uncaring from one side of the room to the other....disbursing the hot air, giving little relief to me. i lay in my bed , nothing particularly solid in my head, slowly dozing off into a hot uncomfortable sleep. Suddenly i was swept back to my 10 year old body, lying- pinned down on the floor, unable to move my hands or feet,i scream but alas no sound permeates the still room.Slowly a figure appears forming from smoke over me..his hands , his body, his smirk, zombie was over me holding me down....desperate now, i struggle with all my might but to no avail. Zombie is fully formed now over me, naked he leans in closer i can feel his hot breath against my cheek , he whispers...."I'll fucking kill you if yuh tell anyone" ....I woke up in such a fright, dripping with sweat, scared and confused...making my way out of bed ,i slowly open the door to the back yard.....glimpsing the clock, its 12.45am, i make my way to my favorite spot, the cool air cuts sharply against my drenched body, clad only in my underwear and vest, i sit on the bench and look up at the stars. The stars seem to bring me more comfort than anything else,i feel small looking up at them, in the back of my mind, a small voice comforts me...its says...its not that bad.I quickly feel cold,and yearn for the comfort of my hot room, the dogs begin to bark....i sleek away into my room before my parents wake up. i can't fall asleep . I'm too scared.

Fuck U

I jus came across this, it makes me feel good about myself

Childhood....

Looking back now my childhood was not a very happy one.I had alot more downs than ups....i tried my best in school , i didn't have much friends and i was a very angry individual.I still am sometimes. I don't know how to summarize it , i guess i'll have to hit the memories that still bother me up to today...and see how that goes.....

The Begining....

I am at a loss as to where to being this post....here goes---i was molested at a young age till form 2...it all started when i was about 8-9 i cant recall exactly when, I've tried so hard to forget, that its all in bits and pieces ...i feel dirty just thinking back on it....i feel so helpless and ashamed. The said person who i will now refer to as "zombie" cause zombies scare me. Zombie was much older than me, he was about 19 or so when the touching began, it gradually escalated in to fully blown oral sex, and then intercourse...it was sometimes violent...i would be left with bruises on my arms and legs, it was only gentle if i was willing, so to save myself from pain, i became willing. It occurred on a daily basis, and my parents suspected nothing, you see they trusted zombie. Zombie in my mind will always be an evil person that made threats to my life, and the life of my sisters if i ever breathed a word to anyone. I felt sick after each incident, so much so i would go to the washroom and lock myself in there for hours crying, praying, cussing. My mind will only carry me so far back, the memories are hidden so deep within it, to get to them i would have to peel away millions of layers of scar tissue. I had my first orgasm experience with zombie, i felt weak in the knees, i thought i was going to die, the next day i got feverish, i said my prayers and got ready to die...i was so stupid back then....Only 2 people on this earth knows what happened to me....(more of that to come later). Zombie took away my virginity and i hate him for it, i was left bleeding a couple times after he came over, he would run scared home....i was left with the pain. I am disgusted with myself, because there were times i enjoyed it....i enjoyed the molestation.....god, this is harder than i thought.....i didn't tell anyone cause i was scared i was going to be blamed, that i would be beaten and locked away as a freak, i never once stopped and thought ......maybe i was the victim, i was a stupid boy. Zombie finally left the country when i was in form 2, it was the happiest day in my life, no more pain....no more shame.....i was free. Little did i know that the psychological pain was only beginning, for the rest of my life i would have panic dreams, i would get up in cold sweats. This psychological damage is more horrid than the physical pain i felt. I stole a book on molestation from the library....i was too ashamed to borrow it, i read for 2 nights straight.....now i have a better understanding , now i can truly begin to heal and pick up the pieces of my shattered mind.