Kathy Ann the final Chapter...

After Kathy Ann had her surgery done we somewhat crossed each others path at the Food Court in Grand Bazaar. I remember sitting with my BF looking outside when i noticed her BF jumping out of a car followed by her, she looked as if she was in terrible pain..I immediately told my bf : Hey look KA to which he replied I'll watch your food while you go say hello...I was almost out of my seat when i realized that KA was making a quick bee line to the washroom, i sat back down...when she comes out i said....I proceeded to dig into my o so delicious sandwich ...I kept looking out for her but missed when she passed by... by the time i did notice her again she and her Bf were outside hopping into their car. Genuinely disappointed I made a mental note to call her later.

I got home signed on to MSN and was berated with IM's from KA asking why i didn't say hello, if i was ashamed of her, why i moving so dotish, she now knows what kinda friend i am and so fort..all before i could even say hello. When i did get to finally explain myself she didn't believe, so i asked her why she didn't come and say hello...no answer....I said goodnight , she left in a huff

Couple nights after we once again found ourselves on MSN, she started the conversation....saying she was sorry for everything ...that she knows our friendship will never be the same again and i agreed. She tried to explain herself.. when she found out i was gay, she tried to be okay with it so she lied and said she was okay. She still thinks its a choice, but wants me to help her better understand what being gay is about and how we people live. I felt like an object, a dirty object that needed to explain its usefulness to its owner before the owner made the decision whether or not to throw it out. I told her i would try my best to help her understand that gay people are normal people. She then decided to throw in the religion card, asking if i believed in God, what religion i follow, if i fear god....it was just her once again bullying me in a sense. After that it didn't matter to me whether or not KA wanted to be my friend or not, cause i made the decision that she is no friend of mines. I DO NOT ever want to feel the way she made me feel that day ever again....i cried

Sometime last week she sent a very angry IM to me, saying she can take a hint- good luck in my life Goodbye. I admit when i go online i do not automatically go saying hello to everyone on my list, I'm mostly there to talk to my BF she took it personally of course ...I dunno I'm just fed up. No longer will i allow people to bring me down..I'm finally taking a stand to be happy , for myself.

The List

Today i sat down to make my Christmas list...i like to be early in order to thoroughly enjoy the warm Xmas feeling. With the Christmas styling of Celine Dion playing in the background, i sat on my bed pen in hand and a tall cup of juice at my side....Ever since i started working i made "The list" it consisted of people who were to receive gifts ( however meager they might be) the ones receiving cards only and those who were to receive something edible. I always tried to stick with it, including everyone that meant something to me, this year it's going to be no different however after jutting down the names of my family members I wrote down the headline "Friends" after about 5mins I couldn't think of a single name to put there...I have no friends...it was such a weird realization.Usually Kathy Ann and I would exchange gifts but this year its not going to happen ( that story later) . I did however write down people i would email cards to, but i have no one outside my family besides my BF who i would be exchanging gifts with. No matter how many people I have in my life they are all associates... online people I have no other contact with besides MSN and Facebook. Virtually I have many associates but the reality of the situation is Kathy Ann was my only friend and now she's gone and I'm alone.....

Good Idea, Bad Idea

Good Idea: Buying yourself a cool pair of jeans as a reward for a months hard work

Bad Idea: Stuffing yourself into some really cool dark denim jeans wondering why on earth are the bottom of the pant leg so tight, only to be told by the clerk those are ladies pencil jeans..i wish they would label the racks they hang these stuff on....

Lets take a step into the time machine...

I have been somewhat busy these days, with work..its beginning to take a toll on me, i am much more tired than usual, and irritable. This is what happens when work rules your life. Its not always like this just for this big project i am heading, after this it should be back to my normal quiet duties.Here goes, a small glimpse into my forms 2&3


By the end of form one i had made many enemies, and some friends, enemies because i was the prefect that liked to abide by the rules, it mattered none to me, because , i refused to let anyone threaten me into submission, I was always commended as a great student from all of my teaches, all except on my arch nemesis of a math teacher.More on her later. My friends although little, were loyal, Vijesh being at the top of the list, an awesome guy, he was like my best friend, if i ever gave anyone that title. I Wasn't allowed to run for prefect again in from 2 , a guy by the name of Daryl took over, my friend circle grew, while unfortunately his shrunk, Matthew continued to be thorn in my side, he had gathered much older forces, his cousins had entered form 4. I was picked on at lunch time, so i avoided going outside, i would usually sit inside the class room, and stick my head into my bag, praying for the day to pass. On more than one occasion i was accosted at the school gate, I ran , they were much bigger than me, and had the advantage of home turf. I didnt know why Matthew disliked me, it never occurred to me that he may have been jealous of my friendship with Rianna, his supposed love of his life.


Vijesh and my friendship grew, we were inseparable,. By form three i was reelected prefect for some reason or the other beyond my comprehension, but there i was again, supposed to take charge of the class when the teacher wasn't there, a class of hormone raging adolescents, myself included, this time i adopted the "do what allyuh want once allyuh dont make noise" attitude. It worked , i was praised constantly by my peers for allowing them do as they please. Of course my enemies grew , and I realized that i had no true friends. Rianna, one of truly great friends started to hang out with the wrong crowd, and making fun of me. As i probably mention i was not good looking, in fact i was downright ugly, ( well so i was told, and believed I never had a gf, and the one girl i confessed liking for, took my love letter and showed the whole class, that damaged me in ways inconceivable, i spiraled into depression, by the second term i gave up being prefect, vijesh stopped hanging out with me, because he was being made fun of by the other guys, in fact they were asking him if we were a couple, so i guess to shield himself, he sort of dumped me, i was alone, and back to sticking my head into my bag at lunch time, that's basically how i spent the rest of form 3, a sad excuse for a human, depressed, angry..misunderstood.


I hung out with no one, i was alone most of the time in school, i would always be in the library just reading, because i knew it was a place where talking was not allowed. Sometimes when i got back to class, my bag would be missing, or my chair...i really didnt care anymore. It was the cool thing to pick on me, the shy guy, the emo dude. I faked sick so many times to avoid school, but my parents would never catch on. My grades starting failing, luckily at the end of form 3 i wanted so bad to become a doctor that i hit the books really hard to get into sciences and i did. Much to everyone's surprise including some of my teachers. I was never a trouble maker in school , not after my first incident so no matter how many times i was pushed to the edge i never snapped, i just kept quiet. i was the butt of many jokes . But i guess like all kids we had issues to over come in that awkward stage of life, i just thought that maybe i had it a little harder than others. Looking back today, i have no idea why they picked me as perfect, or why i was given a leadership award in from 2, or form 3....it baffles me to think what the teachers seek out to give an award, i was awkward, quiet...but i guess i always obeyed the rules...


At the end of form 3 we all grew little more mature, it wasn't all that bad..i had my small group of friends we shared many good times. Hanging out in the library, passing notes in class, avoiding the "cool kids" ...but my heart ached when everyone had someone and i had no one....

Hibernation

Of course wolves don't hibernate, but being a Blue wolf sometimes has it perks...I've been down and out... things occurred...stuff blew up ( not literally though) and i ran into the forest like any good wolf would do, now that the coast is clear .. i smell no danger, I'm back up and writing.

I've been giving some serious thinking as to what direction my blog should take, i don't want it to be entirely about my bad experiences and memories, believe me i have alot...writing about it makes me feel better , seeing it down on paper like that really- in some weird way gives me closure. It may not make sense but at the end of the day when i get my thoughts out I feel better , as if i can move forward.

What direction do i point then? I guess this will become my life blog the good, the bad and the furry. Just be warned I'm not very eloquent with my words so be prepared for novice blogging.