The Memories

The memories that are intertwined with songs sometimes comes to bite me in the butt , and not in a good way. This morning i put my ipod on shuffle and proceeded to eat my breakfasses.Then this song came up:

Anna Nalick: Forever Love (digame)

On the ground
With my world
Upside down
I got a vision of your face
And I must get me out
For so many memories we've yet to make
God don't send to me your angels
I just wanna hear you say again

Forever love
Say you'll love
Digame, Digame
Tell me so
I can hold you in my soul
If I go
I'll know

When you smile
With those eyes
Baby it's like
You place a finger on my heart
And your lips next to mine
Makes me think that maybe heavens where you are
God don't send to me your angels
I just wanna hear you say again

Forever love
Say you'll love
Digame, Digame
Tell me so
I can hold you in my soul
And if I go
I'll know

La la la la...

Forever love
Say you'll love
Digame, Digame
Tell me so
I can hold you in my soul
And If I go
I'll know
Forever love
Say you'll love
Digame, Digame
Tell me so
I can hold you in my soul
And if I go
I'll know

It was our song (my Ex and I) Holds good memories and bad ones.

Maybe in my next post i'll talk about him :(

Paragraph 175

Paragraph 175
I want to see this movie and will spend the greater part of this week trying to locate online. Why? Cause i want to appreciate the era i live in, I want to know what it was like, i want to appreciate where the gay community has reached and i want to look forward to the future.

Rape Dream

Last night i witnessed a scene in my head, i was floating above it in a dimly lit room, the only light coming from a single yellow light bulb shining down on my seemingly unconscious body.Around me huge muscular men were taking their turns doing me, their faces hidden in the dark. I was scared and repulsed...was i dead?

The scene shifts , I'm now sitting in the living room, my dad clearly angry he pops a DVD into the player , on the TV the previous scene comes up. I thought he would kill me instead , he vowed to find the people so that they wouldn't do it to anyone else

The scene shifts once again, I'm walking towards my room upon entering i notice the same men sitting on my bed, they hold me down, i scream out...i yell at them that the police are on their way. The biggest guy drags me by the collar he sniffs at my neck like an animal, he whispers that I'll have to get them all out of here or else he will kill my entire family. I quickly agree. I'm scared. He pushes me out my room and has one of his pals follow me.

I walk outside, enemy behind  , there's a party going on, my friends are there, my family, i lead him through rows and rows of chairs, i see my cousin ...i make small talk with him- my eyes pleading -when i realize he's not taking the hint, i ask him if he's looking for this broom handle ( one is leaning on the wall) he looks at me puzzled, i quickly whisper that the guy behind me is trying to kill me. He snaps the broom handle in 2 and shoves the sharp part into the guys stomach, blood flows everywhere , the guy slumps down. My brother and sisters approach asking whats the matter, i fill them in. They told me go back to my room and bring out another.

I do as i am told, this time the biggest guy sends out 2 people with me. I walk quickly ahead then I spin around, pushing one of the guys into my brother who easily snaps his neck, in the mean time my sisters were gouging out the eyes of the other guy, who was screaming relentlessly, until my brother also breaks his neck

We all walk back to my room, my cousin kicks in the door, the biggest guy and another guy are sitting on the bed waiting for me, the smaller guy attacks my sister, everyone jumps on him, my eyes catches the boss- he laughs , my brother jumps on him, the guy is huge , he punches my brother in the face, my brother bites off his ear...entirely...then i hear drums...my brother is no longer there ...instead i see one of my Hindu gods...Kali Ma...she rips off the guys head...the scene shifts...I'm in a field...before me Kali Ma is dancing the guys head clasped in her hand, his spine swinging freely about...I awake with a startle...Scared and Happy at the same time.

In this dream I'm literally saved by my family, and in the end god...It pretty much sums up my life.

Read before Entering

I added a warning to my Blog cause some of its content maybe inappropriate for young readers and perhaps i may want to post a pic of a sexy guy now and then :P

Creatures

The Witch-king of Angmar is one of my favorite characters in LOTR, why? Simply because he is so evil and powerful. I'm drawn to the dark side, i often find myself rooting for the bad guys wondering what the out come would be if they did prevail. He scares me also, that Nazgul hes perched upon haunted my dreams once or twice, its just so freaking awesome/ ferocious.

I often imagine people i don't care for as creatures, my CEO is an Ogre. You may be thinking gosh this dude really holds a lot of dislike for people....its true..i don't like a lot of people. For whatever reason my like for the human race on the whole is minimal. You may label me anti social, pompous, quiet, unable to start/hold a conversation , but if your "vibes" isn't pleasing to me I wouldn't make an effort to even try to fake like you :/

Maybe i should try and change this trait about me. Be more social instead of socially awkward.On the flip side if i do like you, I'm your best buddy :P

I have a confession to post in my next blogging moment :/

So many things

I have so many things i wanna write, so many thoughts to get out of my head but time seems never to permit me to sit and express myself . I wanna start something new called "Angry letters from a Blue Wolf"

Its suppose to be therapeutic to express one's anger, and believe me i have a lot to go around. maybe this will help, maybe it wont but I'm sort of looking forward to writing angry letters instead of mumbling under my breath and clenching my fists.

This may be fun

Japan

My heart goes out to Japan, it seems like they are raking in bad karma or something, its one disaster after the other . I can't begin to imagine how i would cope with something like that, or worse to have survived while most of my family members didn't :(. The Japanese people though are very calm and orderly which i admire so much. My thoughts, good wishes and prayers are with you, may you as a country recover and as a people progress past this disaster and look towards a brighter day.

Be A Good Person , Be a good person

Something weird is happening to me right now, not physically but events-wise...okay let me get down to the meat of it ...suddenly everyone wants to have sex with me...:/ No lie! As you may have gathered from this blog, when i look at myself in the mirror I see something that Animal Planet should have a documentary on....but i've been getting weird offers from "friends" to well basically meet for a suck and fuck...all these people know im involved...there's that no respect for relationships thing again.

I'm no saint, but i will seriously be filled with guilt if i do take up any one of these offers, although a small part of me wants to but i must be strong and not give into temptation.

What was my point? *head slap* i always seem to lose the point of my posts...o yea..feels awesome to be wanted like this, but did i just wake in an alternative timeline where morals have all disappeared along with STDs? Why is lust so difficult to control? I myself have struggled with controlling this wild horse called lust, and yes a couple times it got the better of me, but I'm trying sooo hard to be a good person.

School is Scary

I am very awkward socially, i don't speak unless spoken to, i don't ever make eye contact with anyone and the only words i ever speak during class is " Good Morning" when i enter the room. Sheeessshh you would think at this age i would be a little more of a social butterfly...scratch that....a social caterpillar? but alas I'm still a clam in its shell. We were split up into groups , well everyone except me ..I was alone... I was my own group...very embarrassing...not that i made any sort of effort to be in a group, i just sat there like dead carcass.

Eventually the teacher gave me a handout, which led me to believe I'm a group LOL. I did group work by myself and submitted -myself- now I'm sure everyone in that class has labelled me as anti social.Which is partially true, but still I'd like to make a couple friends. Maybe as time progresses...maybe..

BTW..studying not going so well, nothing seems to stick and everything is distracting me. I need to pass this to prove to myself that i can be better, better than what people perceive me to be ( story coming soon) That's all for now and yes I'm on my laptop...see I'm blogging more :P

Been so long

School has started , yup I'm back at school after a 2 year break *proud face* Its difficult, I can't seem to get back into the groove of studying, I guess with time, patience and perseverance , it will come. I just wanted to come here so people will know I'm alive. My bf bought me a laptop so maybe ill blog more, since I'm now "mobile" ...we will see ...

Heartache

The heart yearns...if i had for a single moment doubted that I loved my bf , i will have to stand corrected. We had a disagreement yesterday, he said some stuff and I said some stuff. From lunch time then ( yesterday) till now we have not spoken to each other . I miss him.I can't stop thinking about him. It feels like its been over a year since i last saw him. I called but no answer :( I dunno how I'll make it through the night, all this plus I'm so hungry cause i left my lunch home- double :( -- I hope he calls soon.

Wondering Wolf

I often wonder if i were straight would be married by now? I'm 27, all my kin younger and older are married...they stare at me when the topic of marriage comes along, my mother rants she wants more grand kids and then looks at me , I simply walk away.

Yesterday on my bed with the BF I wondered if i could marry him would I?....Would I have gotten engaged to my ex? Would my ex and I still be together.....sigh so many unanswered questions , at the end of it all , I'm still in hiding and I know i wont have the wedding I always wanted---A big Hindu one---

Happy New Queer

Happy 2011 to everyone out there may the divine keep you and yours safe, blessed and always happy. Though obstacles may cross you path this year, jump right over them and keep moving on, I'm re opening this blog to help with my emotional baggage :/... Peace and Blessings :)

Apology

I just want to say in advance that i am in no way close to a writer. So you may find my punctuation, use of words, spelling etc to be off by miles. Its been a while since i sat and actually typed up something. So maybe as the days roll by I'll get better.

Here's hoping for the best :)

Pride

I attended a Pride party last weekend , it was hott...Literally...the air conditioning broke down...lol.. none the less everyone had a blast. It was wonderful being there experiencing the energy. Everything was positive, full of excitement, full of joy.....Full of pride.

It filled me so much happiness that i was able to be myself there among everyone, dance with my bf...dance with friends...just to be free...and then i began to wonder...why do we need these underground parties in order for us to feel comfortable in our own skins, to be free to express friendship and love....its so unfair that we are made to live like this just because we are born gay.

I didn't let this thought hamper my partying, i relished every song, every beat , every touch, every kiss on the cheek like i would never experience being this free again.At the end of it all i had a blast and made loads of friends. There is another party coming up in October I'm thinking of going that one also...I'm sort of excited ..:)

Hello Vast Internet

How long has it been? I've lost track of time, I'm unsure whether anyone reads my blog but none the less i write for -me -to unleash my emotions upon the pages of this blog. I've got some good news....I'm going to bitch less about the trauma of the past, in these months gone by I've talked to god and in his way he answered me ...and i think I'm finally as healed as i can be.

Of course there is going to be the odd nightmare or flashback I'm expecting it but honestly I'm not going to let it stop me from living my life.I feel so free like the heavy shackles of the past that have enslaved me for so long have finally been broken, and I'm now free to move forward. You all can't believe how light i feel....its so magical :)

I'll try to update as much as possible from now on.

Circles

Why is it whenever I'm in a depressed mood, all the bad things that happened to me comes flooding back, gushing to the forefront of my brain? Once that happens i keep spiralling down until a small voice in my head snaps me back to reality. I don't like to be depressed, i don't like depressed people....ummm i should rephrase that , depression is a normal part of being human and like myself i expect everyone to fall victim to it ever so often, what i don't like however are people who use their depression as an attention gatherer , you know the whiny ones who can only sing one song " no one likes me, I'm nothing , pay attention to me or I'll die", the ones who do not even make any sort of effort to lift themselves out of it, the ones that ENJOY being depressed. I don't enjoy the company of people like that.

Moving on-- during one of my depressed spates I've noticed that i no longer beat myself up about being gay, i no longer want to cause myself pain cause I'm attracted to guys, i no longer wish i was dead because of it. Its weird that i've reached a point in my life where i am finally comfortable in my own skin, comfortable with my sexuality (but not that comfortable to finally admit it to my family or friends) ...to be continued

Carnival

Carnival in Trinidad is huge, we dubbed it the greatest show on earth but sadly i'm a Trini thats just not into Carnival. I see it as a readily used excuse for people to get drunk, act more stupid and do things they regret later on in life. I do however rather enjoy the sights ...well defined men stuffed in to colored shorty shorts , bulges very clearly visible , kinda gets me excited lol. I've also noticed that men would grind on other men and pass off the action as intoxication. Can you imagine 2 large as we would say "hard back" men in gold shorty shorts gyrating on each other and the people around them pay no mind cause both of them are clearly intoxicated. No one thinks that's so gay, everyone is just enjoying themselves. When will that be a regular train of thought in Trinidad? Besides the men, the only other great thing about Carnival are the huge costumes, i genuinely love the colors ( and not for the obvious reason) it just makes me wonder how much time , effort and thought it must have taken to construct such a spectacle. Everyone had such a good time especially the foreigners, the whole vibes is a positive one and everyone is moving in unity...i guess it really is the greatest show on earth, the hott guys are just a plus+++ :P

I'm there

I'm proud to be gay *gasp* i never in my entire life thought i would have reached a point where i would be proud to be gay, but here i am smiling ear to ear cause i just admitted to one of my str8 guy friend i'm well... as i put it "on guys" cause I've been getting pressured about Valentines day and a double date dinner, can u imgine his reaction if i showed up with my bf ....lol.. so i just told him, his reaction " thats nothing to be ashamed about" its 2010 ppl are alot more accepting ....maybe so? I dunno alot of ppl are still in the dark ages on my side of the world but i'm glad he knows and is ok with it....i feel like throwing a parade .....

Dire Straits - Money For Nothing lyrics

Title: Dire Straits - Money For Nothing lyrics

Now look at them yo-yo's that's the way you do it
You play the guitar on the MTV
That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Money for nothin' and chicks for free
Now that ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Lemme tell ya them guys ain't dumb
Maybe get a blister on your little finger
Maybe get a blister on your thumb

We gotta install microwave ovens
Custom kitchen deliveries
We gotta move these refrigerators
We gotta move these colour TV's

See the little faggot with the earring and the makeup
Yeah buddy that's his own hair
That little faggot got his own jet airplane
That little faggot he's a millionaire

We gotta install microwave ovesns
Custom kitchens deliveries
We gotta move these refrigerators
We gotta move these colour TV's

I shoulda learned to play the guitar
I shoulda learned to play them drums
Look at that mama, she got it stickin' in the camera
Man we could have some fun
And he's up there, what's that? Hawaiian noises?
Bangin' on the bongoes like a chimpanzee
That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Get your money for nothin' get your chicks for free

We gotta install microwave ovens
Custom kitchen deliveries
We gotta move these refrigerators
We gotta move these colour TV's, Lord

Now that ain't workin' that's the way you do it
You play the guitar on the MTV
That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Money for nothin' and your chicks for free
Money for nothin' and chicks for free



I maybe late in the game, as this song is basically ancient but this morning while listening to the radio the word "Faggot" jumped out at me..mind you I've heard this song like a million times before and never noticed the lyrics...I'm offended that on the radio airwaves they blank out the words ---God, damn, bitch, gun, whore---- in songs but let the word Faggot play loud and proud, what was i expecting, i am in Trinidad after all..... I hate this song now, its exactly what a straight guy would say when he see's another guy who dresses well and has it going on...he's a buller (faggot)....grrrrrr....95.1 you disappoint me...I turned off the radio...hello ipod..:)