Ms Universe

BWDMC wrong with them judges La Toya is a bess darkie and not even in the top 15? Brrrrr? None the less my sister did us proud and we will welcome her home with open arms and smiling faces. Not a single brown skin girl in the top 15, i know that will cause alot of talking in the days to come, I however think if you got the brains and the beauty it doesn't matter the color of your skin. Good luck to the new Ms Universe 2010, as for us here in Trinidad we are super proud, we had not one but 2 of our lovely ladies appear on international Tv tonite. Wendy Fitzwillam and La Toya Woods....I mean which other country can say that eh :)

Apology

I just want to say in advance that i am in no way close to a writer. So you may find my punctuation, use of words, spelling etc to be off by miles. Its been a while since i sat and actually typed up something. So maybe as the days roll by I'll get better.

Here's hoping for the best :)

Comics

I have a current addiction to comics, yup I'm a geek :P. I've noticed in the past year that more and more gay characters are popping up in Marvel's superhero slate, am i complaining ? Of course not....but something about having them just crawl out of the woodwork makes me uneasy, maybe Marvel is trying to attract a wider audience, maybe they've finally realized that most of their readers are in fact gay or maybe its just that gays have alot more disposable income ....? Whatever the reason its great, I have something i can personally relate to....o yea the point of this post is to give you warning far in advance that you may find a comic review splattered somewhere across this blog :P

*drools*

Dear God

Dear God,

Sometimes i forget, in the haste of life to thank you for all that you have bestowed upon me- my family, my friends, my job,my health thank you.
I wanna especially thank you for making me as i am. I used to curse you for making me gay, but now you and I both know i have come to accept my sexuality. Thank you for helping walk this path, for lighting my way through darkness (you know that there was alot of darkness)

Although i do not fully understand your plan for me, i am ready to serve in whatever way you see fit. Today i looked at my boyfriend, and every negative thing anyone has ever said about gays just dissipated into mist, cause if you did not love me god, you would not have allowed me to cross paths with such a wonderful human being. You belssed me with him and for that i am thankful.

Thank you.

Pride

I attended a Pride party last weekend , it was hott...Literally...the air conditioning broke down...lol.. none the less everyone had a blast. It was wonderful being there experiencing the energy. Everything was positive, full of excitement, full of joy.....Full of pride.

It filled me so much happiness that i was able to be myself there among everyone, dance with my bf...dance with friends...just to be free...and then i began to wonder...why do we need these underground parties in order for us to feel comfortable in our own skins, to be free to express friendship and love....its so unfair that we are made to live like this just because we are born gay.

I didn't let this thought hamper my partying, i relished every song, every beat , every touch, every kiss on the cheek like i would never experience being this free again.At the end of it all i had a blast and made loads of friends. There is another party coming up in October I'm thinking of going that one also...I'm sort of excited ..:)

Hello Vast Internet

How long has it been? I've lost track of time, I'm unsure whether anyone reads my blog but none the less i write for -me -to unleash my emotions upon the pages of this blog. I've got some good news....I'm going to bitch less about the trauma of the past, in these months gone by I've talked to god and in his way he answered me ...and i think I'm finally as healed as i can be.

Of course there is going to be the odd nightmare or flashback I'm expecting it but honestly I'm not going to let it stop me from living my life.I feel so free like the heavy shackles of the past that have enslaved me for so long have finally been broken, and I'm now free to move forward. You all can't believe how light i feel....its so magical :)

I'll try to update as much as possible from now on.

Circles

Why is it whenever I'm in a depressed mood, all the bad things that happened to me comes flooding back, gushing to the forefront of my brain? Once that happens i keep spiralling down until a small voice in my head snaps me back to reality. I don't like to be depressed, i don't like depressed people....ummm i should rephrase that , depression is a normal part of being human and like myself i expect everyone to fall victim to it ever so often, what i don't like however are people who use their depression as an attention gatherer , you know the whiny ones who can only sing one song " no one likes me, I'm nothing , pay attention to me or I'll die", the ones who do not even make any sort of effort to lift themselves out of it, the ones that ENJOY being depressed. I don't enjoy the company of people like that.

Moving on-- during one of my depressed spates I've noticed that i no longer beat myself up about being gay, i no longer want to cause myself pain cause I'm attracted to guys, i no longer wish i was dead because of it. Its weird that i've reached a point in my life where i am finally comfortable in my own skin, comfortable with my sexuality (but not that comfortable to finally admit it to my family or friends) ...to be continued

Carnival

Carnival in Trinidad is huge, we dubbed it the greatest show on earth but sadly i'm a Trini thats just not into Carnival. I see it as a readily used excuse for people to get drunk, act more stupid and do things they regret later on in life. I do however rather enjoy the sights ...well defined men stuffed in to colored shorty shorts , bulges very clearly visible , kinda gets me excited lol. I've also noticed that men would grind on other men and pass off the action as intoxication. Can you imagine 2 large as we would say "hard back" men in gold shorty shorts gyrating on each other and the people around them pay no mind cause both of them are clearly intoxicated. No one thinks that's so gay, everyone is just enjoying themselves. When will that be a regular train of thought in Trinidad? Besides the men, the only other great thing about Carnival are the huge costumes, i genuinely love the colors ( and not for the obvious reason) it just makes me wonder how much time , effort and thought it must have taken to construct such a spectacle. Everyone had such a good time especially the foreigners, the whole vibes is a positive one and everyone is moving in unity...i guess it really is the greatest show on earth, the hott guys are just a plus+++ :P

I'm there

I'm proud to be gay *gasp* i never in my entire life thought i would have reached a point where i would be proud to be gay, but here i am smiling ear to ear cause i just admitted to one of my str8 guy friend i'm well... as i put it "on guys" cause I've been getting pressured about Valentines day and a double date dinner, can u imgine his reaction if i showed up with my bf ....lol.. so i just told him, his reaction " thats nothing to be ashamed about" its 2010 ppl are alot more accepting ....maybe so? I dunno alot of ppl are still in the dark ages on my side of the world but i'm glad he knows and is ok with it....i feel like throwing a parade .....

Dire Straits - Money For Nothing lyrics

Title: Dire Straits - Money For Nothing lyrics

Now look at them yo-yo's that's the way you do it
You play the guitar on the MTV
That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Money for nothin' and chicks for free
Now that ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Lemme tell ya them guys ain't dumb
Maybe get a blister on your little finger
Maybe get a blister on your thumb

We gotta install microwave ovens
Custom kitchen deliveries
We gotta move these refrigerators
We gotta move these colour TV's

See the little faggot with the earring and the makeup
Yeah buddy that's his own hair
That little faggot got his own jet airplane
That little faggot he's a millionaire

We gotta install microwave ovesns
Custom kitchens deliveries
We gotta move these refrigerators
We gotta move these colour TV's

I shoulda learned to play the guitar
I shoulda learned to play them drums
Look at that mama, she got it stickin' in the camera
Man we could have some fun
And he's up there, what's that? Hawaiian noises?
Bangin' on the bongoes like a chimpanzee
That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Get your money for nothin' get your chicks for free

We gotta install microwave ovens
Custom kitchen deliveries
We gotta move these refrigerators
We gotta move these colour TV's, Lord

Now that ain't workin' that's the way you do it
You play the guitar on the MTV
That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Money for nothin' and your chicks for free
Money for nothin' and chicks for free



I maybe late in the game, as this song is basically ancient but this morning while listening to the radio the word "Faggot" jumped out at me..mind you I've heard this song like a million times before and never noticed the lyrics...I'm offended that on the radio airwaves they blank out the words ---God, damn, bitch, gun, whore---- in songs but let the word Faggot play loud and proud, what was i expecting, i am in Trinidad after all..... I hate this song now, its exactly what a straight guy would say when he see's another guy who dresses well and has it going on...he's a buller (faggot)....grrrrrr....95.1 you disappoint me...I turned off the radio...hello ipod..:)

Inside my Room

When i'm alone with him, in my bed lying next to each other face to face our noses barely touching , breath being exchanged from his lungs to mines , mines to his, our fingers intertwined, being lost in his eyes, the sweet words we share, the dreams we confess, our voices barely above a whisper ....the perfect kisses, the short ones, the long ones, the cheek ones, the hand ones, the forehead ones....i close my eyes and think ----i have the perfect life inside my room.

Brandi Carlile

I am currently obsessed with this album, her voice is so , how shall i put it...its like cold raindrops hitting your skin every note makes me tingle all over. I especially love the song "Shadow on the wall", when the whole drama with my bf occurred, somehow i found comfort in the lyrics.


Brandi Carlile - Shadow On The Wall

Gone
It's hard for me to see when I'm wrong
It's hard for me to weep when I'm strong
But I could never sleep when you're gone
Oh but still
If you were gonna crucify me
I wouldn't want nobody to see
'Cause you could kick me hard when I'm down
Down, down, down

I don't want wanna be
Nobody's fool
I've played that part so many times before
How I long to be
A shadow on the wall
I will make no sound at all
And when the sun goes down
The shadow on the wall
It cannot be seen at all
At all

Over it
Hey it's not that you would mess with my head
I believe that you believe what you said
You think you know me best and you care

But that's not fair!
'Cause I don't really want to be safe
It must have been the way I was raised
Sleep with one eye open I say
Hey hey hey

I don't wanna be
Nobody's fool
I've played that part so many times before
How I long to be
A shadow on the wall
I will make no sound at all
And when the sun goes down
The shadow on the wall
It cannot be seen at all
At all

Oh
How I long to be
A shadow on the wall
I would make no sound at all
At all



I love every song in the album but this one just stands out. I shouldn't dwell on the past but i feel soon i will have to revisit some stuff and open the Blue wolf chronicles once again, i feel a heavy weight on my chest...

Peel away the skin....

Gay life in Trinidad ( my experiences) is very shallow, no one seems to want anything meaningful ...once you cross 25 you are labeled as old and outdated...I'm over 25 but i look like 19...i lie about my age constantly, I'm not ashamed to say that...why do i lie you ask...cause when i blurt out the truth everyone thinks I'm lying and its a battle to prove that i'm not which is usually only resloved by me whipping out my ID card..so when someone asks me :hey how old are you? my reply is : "how old do i look?" any number they call i agree ...19,20,21,22..it doesn't matter no one ever goes above 22..hmmm....where was i going with this? O yea Gays (not all) in Trinidad are way too shallow, only about the hot bodies, and abnormally perfect hair....reminds me of a line from a song by Jewel "every body is a nice body but their souls are like shadows hollow inside" I'm all for the up keep of one self, but i would much rather have an average looking guy with a gentle touch and a caring heart, than a total hottie who has nothing else to offer....too many judgments are cast upon people based solely on looks...This weekend a guy on my msn, a friend of mine.. told me i could do so much better than my current BF, that he is too average...that i need someone as hott as his BF, i just laughed it casually off and changed the subject, i was 2 seconds away from telling him he complains about his Hott Bf more than anything else, but i bit my tongue...i'm trying to be a different person...(not a bitch)

Haiti

My heart goes out to the population of Haiti, but i am angry that Trinidad and Tobago is so slow to react...I keep hearing its the wrath of god...what BS is this? People are out there suffering, take you heads out of your asses, where is the compassion? People are people regardless whether you think they all worship the devil ( which btw i think is a huge pile of crap) ....imagine all the children that died, young lives snuffed out ...my eyes are filled with water....Thankfully organizations are getting mobile and somethings are being done ...May god see them through this horrible time.

What a Friday....

Friday usually meets me in high spirits, but today something seems amiss...like someone sucked the Friday vibes right out of me, maybe its the fact that i have nothing planned for later except to probably go home and do my laundry...How lame am i? *sigh* and in case you are wondering i forgave my bf for cheating ...does that make me a weak person? I hope not...my logic is that everyone's human and destined to make mistakes, i keep breathing that into my head, i'm over the crying...looking at the road to recovery...sadly a tiny voice within me keeps humming once your trust is broken it can never be repaired....only time would tell how this goes...this post is kinda broken....feeling dark today....think I'll have some ice cream when i go home....something sweet always cheers me up :)

Gaga for GaGa

I love lady GaGa soo much, i get an orgasm everytime i hear her songs.... Every gay person i know loves her music, her style, her in your face attitude...she's the Cher of my generation :)...

Happy New year

Happy New Year!! Been so long since i put "pen to paper" here, i was thinking of deleting it, but I've poured out too much of my soul here to erase it all. Life had become a mish mash of different events and circumstances...good ones, bad ones, ones that make me feel unworthy , one that made me feel on top of the world....but i guess that's life, take the good, deal with the bad and love everything. Lets hope this year is an awesome one for everyone of us, may we be safe....