OMG Word

I dunno how i came across this word: Fagoting

It means: A method of decorating cloth by pulling out horizontal threads and tying the remaining vertical threads into hourglass-shaped bunches.

I thought it meant: Going to a party and acting slutty, hitting on all the guys regardless if they are gay or not .

I can use it in a sentence: Gosh would you stop fagoting all the guys here we will get put out.

I was wrong..

Gays:1 Str8ies: A big fat zero

Once again the "faggit" discussion came up in the office. Fags- this, bullerman- that, o I'm a str8 guy and all the gays want me....then all of a sudden boom! the kitchen door literally slams open, the mother of the office ( our much older, but extremely hyper administrator) bursts thorough the door. Scene one

Admin: Wah allyuh talking about and laughing like a bunch of skets here?
Guys: Nothing
Admin: So allyuh mad or something?
Guys: Nah we just saying how them bullerman getting brave these days, they all over the place
Admin: And whats the problem with that? Ent they are people too?
Guys: Me aint want that chupidness coming round me
Admin: And who say anyone of them will come around you ( some of the guys burst out in laughter including me )
Guys: Stupes, them going to hell yes
Admin: eh eh eh wah you saying there? Let me tell you something,Gay people is the best kind of people. I had a gay boss and that man was the most beautiful person i ever meet in my life. And yuh see how old i am ( shes 64) That man woulda give he life for you or the last dollar from his pocket, everybody who meet him love him. So don't be disrespecting gay people, its not their fault they are like that. They are people to.
Guys: Yea but doh come around me with that dotishness
Admin: Boy i am telling you no one will come around you, but i have to say eh, some of them really ridiculous with the bacchanal behaviour in POS, but don't kill all for some. They are people too.
Guys: Screwing up their face
Admin: And doh let meh come down here and hear allyuh bad talking meh people again eh ( she then leaves the room)
Guys: Wah really wrong with she eh, they then start to talk about Jack Warner.

She said everything i was too scared to say, and put all them assholes in their place. HAHAHA. Score one * does awkward dance*

How do you slove a problem like KA?

How do you solve a problem like Kathy-Ann? How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?....sorry the sound of music is running through my head, thanks to my musical obsessed BF. KA and i spoke, online, once again she apologized for her behavior. What was I to say? for the life of Lucy i can't stay angry at anyone. Long story short i forgave her, after much discussion. She revealed that she's under alot of stress at home, her dad's health isn't up to par and he needs a kidney, of which she is going to donate. I was left speechless, no one ever prepared me for a discussion of this nature. I offered my prayers and wished her luck. She invited me to check her in the hospital, when the time arrives. She loves her dad dearly, none of her siblings wants to go under the knife so she volunteered. Very brave of her. Suddenly all my issues with KA disappeared, I saw my friend who was scared and needed my shoulder, i gladly offered it up. Instead of just talking about how scary it would be, i proceeded to ask how prepared she was for post surgery. We made a list, a rather good one if i may do say so myself, alot of the stuff i asked she didn't even remotely consider.I felt proud that i was able to help , I didn't like however that she was making this stress the reason fro her behaviour...but i let it pass, i didn't want to cause a fuss. Things will never be the same between me and KA, i felt like i saw the real her when she hated me being gay...the monster that lurks beneath...but I'm trying to be a forgiving person and under all the bacchanal we are all god's children and all humans ( prone to mistakes) I'll never be 100% comfortable with her anymore, but 80% ain't that bad....

Good Idea-Bad Idea

Good Idea: Singing away the day's stress

Bad Idea: Signing an operatic version of Britney's "If you seek Amy" while your brother is entertaining guests outside your room.

*sigh* Once again when i walk outside I'm forced to pretend that there is someone else in my room doing the singing and I'm just as shocked as they are.

Props

Las night i realized that i need to give a big thank you to all the "out" people. The men and women who are in my book very courageous, that go out there and fight for rights. The people who stand up and say enough is enough we are human to.I admire all of them , i can only wish to have so much strength and courage, maybe one day. But Thank You ...thank you for making it safer each day, thank you for the rights you have achieved, thank you for the inspiration, thank you for the courage.

Good Idea, Bad Idea

Good Idea: Wearing sexy boxer briefs to feel confident at work

Bad Idea: Wearing one size too small sexy boxer briefs to work on casual Friday, stooping down to pick up some papers to be rudely and loudly informed by the much older mother of the office 'wah happen boy yuh crack showing, yuh doh have on no jockey shorts?"

I'll leave with whatever dignity i have left.

What do you do with a fruit...?

You beat the gay out of him, at least that's what one of the temporary employees said...For some reason, these str8ies love talking about gays.Is it that interesting of a topic to bash men/women or wonder how can a guy take it up there. One person said something that made me smirk "dem faggits and them real brave yuh know, to take it up d ass, that's real pain" to which the other guy replied how u know is real pain. everyone burst out laughing.The other guy , ( i now consider him the smartest of the bunch) replied "them boys and them have pussy that's why they cud take it"....sad.sad.sad. I wish i could beat some sense into them,I honestly hope to god they don't represent a large cross section of the str8ies out there. Maybe i haven't mentioned, but my way of getting back at these homophobic baboons is to be Str8ophobic, yup you heard right. I'm scared of str8ies, i think if they get to close to me I'll get opposite sex penchants, if i sit next to a str8 person it automatically makes me str8, i think all str8 girls want to sleep with me.So i exaggerated a bit, but i seriously avoid hanging with str8 people, if i am planning a lime, i include only gays . don't get me wrong, i have loads of str8ies in my life, but my preference are gay people, i can be myself, make my gay remarks and just overall be much more relaxed.The definition of how a lime should make you feel.Relaxed. Its my small way of protesting also.Straying away from the subject , I'm having an online conversation with a guy friend of mines, who is happily relaying he has a BF, the only issue is the Bf has a GF...brrrrrr?...that's my reaction. he says he is comfortable with it, although he is a bit jealous....what could a guy do but wish him good luck?...i don't know how he could want to get into a lasting relationship with this guy...I've never been in a situation like this but personally if my bf has a gf his whole family knows about,i would probably go crazy knowing he is giving someone other than me his affection and god knows what else. But my friend is young and he only recently accepted he is gay, I'm trying to give advice but he refuses to hear me out. I would be the same way honestly, if it was my first bf...I'm speaking from experience....i guess like me he will have to burn to learn...don't worry i already told him to always be safe, and use protection if he is going down that path.I realized that i haven't written about my past awhile now, but the feeling isn't coming .I would like to touch on a couple more events that happen to me that shaped the person i am , looking back today as horrible as some stuff were,it made me , me , i may not be very confident but i am not easily deterred by life's obstacles. and believe me there are many.Would I have wished for it to be different, knowing that i would be a changed person today? its a thought that lingers with me.

Why?

I came across this article on AOL. The comments below it made me very queasy.

"if your gay you have some issues up stairs and need therapy !!!its getting worse with you sickos wanting marriage rights and now its on tv showing you freaks kissing!! I take that personally when I'm watching tv with my kids and all of a sudden its in front of my kids!! it will confuse children and same sex kissing needs to be ban in public and on tv!!! by the way gays will never be equal because YOU CAN'T MAKE A BABY TOGETHER.... FREAKS!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Homosexuality is self condemnation, separation from God! The effort to force this evil on humanity and spead it is war against God and his creation. This site can erase my comment as it apparently did my first but it will not escape Gods displeasure with siding with evil."

"The stupid sick queers need to hide there gross behavior from all children. I do not care what these sick queers do in there own home. We should shoot to all queers that don't hide there gross behavior. We need to save are kids from being exposed to these sick queers."

Regardless of whether the men were trespassing or not. Why does all the hate and venom have to be spewed at everything homosexual. Are people that scared of the big "G"? Why do people hate us so? This article is not doing anything for my confidence as a gay dude. And whats with using "protecting the children?" to spew the venom .....*sigh*

Good Idea/ Bad Idea

Good Idea: Having a healthy breakfast in the morning consisting of fruit and yogurt

Bad Idea: Erotically taking the tip of a half peeled banana dipping it in yogurt, then proceed to lick it off, when your sister walks in on you. You should cut that up--- it'll make it much easier (and less gay)

And the beat goes on and on...

I'm on MSN Saturday night, unfortunately frustrated at my life. KathyAnn comes online

Her: I get that you are angry at me
Her: But i am sorry about our last conversation
Her: I just let my anger get the most out of me
Her: I felt like you were attacking my religion and I had to defend it
Her:When you cursed me, i just lost it
Her: We were both wrong and i hope we can get pass this and move on to how we used to be
Me: Hello
Me: I was not attacking your religion, i was speaking generally.
Me: You really hurt me with the things you said
Me: I am also sorry that i curse you, but you threaten to tell my parents, i just lost it also
Me: Right now i am going through some serious crap with my bf, and this isn't the best time for us to sort out our issues
Her: We have issues? I thought it was just this
Me: Yea we do, but now really isn't The greatest time to discus it
Her: But we are ok right?
Me: I dunno, we will see how it goes
Her: Ok if you wanna talk i am here for you, like you have always been there for me
Me:I'm tired of defending myself
Her: What do you mean?
Me: Nothing, i gtg need to shave
Her: OK, well if you need to talk i am here.
Me: I am tired of defending the fact that i am gay, you think i chose to be this way , and its not a choice
Her: Some people choose
Me: I don't want to get into this discussion again
Me: You wont believe the crap i Had to go through my whole life, and then to have my closest friend attack me in such a way really hurt
Her: We all have to go through stuff you know, i went thru stuff too
Me: I understand that, I understand every one has their own battle to fight
Me: But when people who you think have your back, just don't- it hurts
Her: I said i am sorry, let just move on from this
Me: We still have to discuss it, but i really need to go
Her ok
Me: TTYL
Her: ok njoy your nite

I'm in a dilemma, should i forgive KA put this behind us and move on? Should i allow her back into my life, when i saw the homophobic beast rear its ugly head. I don't know what to do. I could never hold on to anger for long, i am however very good at saying " to hell with that".....dilemma.

Good Idea, Bad Idea

Good idea: Release some stress by singing and dancing in your room

Bad Idea: Singing Lady Gaga's "boys boys boys" loudly while your dad is outside your window doing yard work.

In case you are not familiar with this song here are some of the lyrics:

Boys boys boys
We like boys in cars
Boys boys boys
Buy us drinks in bars
Boys boys boys
With Hairspray and denim
Boys boys boys
We love them!
We love them!

He gave me the weirdest look when i finally came outside. PS: note to self don't play this song loud.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

My previous post was longer than i intended it to be, but i needed to have some background information on Kathy Ann and I. And that's as condensed as i could have gotten it. Yes that's the condensed version. KA is the only str8ie that knows my sexual orientation, my secret. It wasn't by choice but i told her, she seemingly accepted it.The reason why i said seemingly is because of the following events.

*going on msn*

Her: Hey you know how long I've been waiting on you
Me: Really? How come
Her: I was here whole week last week till 9 waiting on you, but you never showed
Me:I wasn't online last week
Her: O ok, I have something i want to ask you and i Hope i get a favorable response
Me: Hmmmm, ok shoot
Her: Can i tell *insert her Bf name here* you are gay
Me: What!!
Her: Pleeeaseeeee
Me: Why would you want to do that?
Her:It would make life so much easier
Me: How so?
Her: Well i wouldn't have to lie all the time
Me: Lie?
Her: Yea , like when we have to lime, or wen i buy stuff for you, he gets really jealous
Me: o
Her: So can i? Pleeeassee
Me: Do you know what you are asking? you are asking me to let someone else know MY secret
Her:But its not like everyone doesn't know
Me: What do you mean by that
Her: Look at your Facebook page, anyone who does would know
Me: 99% of the people on my FB is gay and the other 1% are school friends that are none the wiser, plus no one can see my friend list
Her:Are you ashamed of yourself?
Me: KA you are asking me to put myself out there, for people i don't know to know i am gay
Her: Who would *insert her Bf name here* tell?
Me: I dunno, you never know a situation like: Hey who is that guy walking so close with yuh woman? O he that's her gay friend
Her: O come on nothing like that will ever happen
Me: yuh never know, i know how str8 guys think, and its worse when they are insecure
Her: He is not insecure, i just want to so things wont be so bad, i wont have to hide when it comes to you all the time
Me: i dunno if you should
Her:So yuh telling me you are ashamed of yourself, of your friends, of *insert my BF name here*
Me: no i'm not saying that, i'm just uncomfortable
Her: Come nah pleaaassee it would make thing so much easier
Me: It would make your life easier?
Her: Yes
Me: ok well if it makes your life less stressful you can go ahead
Her: Goodie
Me: I just don't want anyone else to know
Me: And i am not ashamed of being gay, its just being gay in Trinidad isn't exactly a safe thing
Her:But its your choice
Me: My choice?
Her: Yea
Me: To be gay?
Her: Yea
Me: OMG being gay isn't a choice, you think i would choose this life of prejudice, of hate, of fear?
Her:I dunno about you, but alot of people chose to especially girls
Me: There have been alot of studies conducted that point that being gay isn't anyone choice, but genetic
Her: I never heard about that
Me: Yea, so its not a choice
Her: Yes it is
Me: *getting more flustered* NO its NOT
Her: Do you think god would make man, put him on this earth to lie in bed with another man
Me: what?
Her: God made man for woman, so that they can progress, have kids and be happy.He didn't make man for man so i think its a choice
Me: Well its not
Her: In the book ( she is Muslim) it is written that being gay is wrong you know
Me: I believe god put me here for a reason, and that he loves me. I also believe that every book that has been written was written by man, and each sentence in those books can be interpreted a different way. Man uses these words to his benefit all the time
Her: Are you saying the great Prophet was a liar
Me; no i am not, I'm just saying that man is corrupt and will use the word of god to justify corruption
Her:*taking deep offense* the great Mohammad was not corrupt
Mel; I am not attacking your religion, I'm talking general
Her: *insert my name here* i take god very seriously, and i don't like what you are saying
Me: I'm not attacking god either, I'm simply saying that the race of man is corrupt, and people will always use religion and god to get what they want
Me: Man is a corrupt species. Do you know all the suffering that occurs because of "god". But do u think god wants this suffering, no he doesn't, its corrupt man that is causing it
Her: I think god has a reason
Me: You cannot think that, because God cannot be understood by our small human minds
Her: I don't think you believe in god, because he says it is wrong for you to lie with another man, and you choose to
Me: Are you for real, how dare you say i don't believe in god
Her: Because you don't
Me: I may not follow any book word for word, but i talk to god everyday. I have a personal relationship with him
Her:So you telling me you talk to god and he replies
Me: Yes
Her: What do you talk to him about? Being gay?
Me: I talk to him about everything,i ask him to keep my friends, family safe
Her:And he replies?
Me: yes he does
Her:And yet you believe religion is corrupt?
Me: Man is corrupt
Her: Man isn't corrupt Mohammad was perfect
Me: but he was a man
Her: So you know god right?
Her: what if i call you parents and tell them you are gay? Would they care for you still? Would they want you in that house ? will you talk to god and tell him to stop me and he will reply yes?
Me: FUCK off KA
Me: You're threatening me to call my parents , how the hell could you?
Her: I don't want you as my friend anymore, I believe in god and you don't
Me : I never said i don't believe in god
Me: i don't think we should be friends either
Her:I feel pity for you, thinking you know god, when you are so in the dark

She signs out and 10 mins later comes back in

Her: I'm sorry about the conversation we had earlier i hope we can see past this
Her: have a good night

I can't get over it. this conversation got me so upset that i cried. i didn't write everything that we talked about, just the main parts.There was a time i asked her about all the people in the middle east who are willing to give their lives in the name of the lord, if god asked them to, or a man did. She got so offended that she asked if i think she would do the same. I went silent thinking i crossed some invisible line, but told her it was just to outline the point that man will twist the word of god to accomplish anything. She mocked me being gay and told me that i should go cry. She thinks that by me hiding my sexuality i am ashamed of every other gay person out there. that deeply offended me. The threat she made to tell my parents. I knew there were times i was wrong, but i see plainly that KA never liked the idea of me being gay, and seems to take offense that me a gay person can talk to god.Even though she said she hopes we move past this, we wont...i am too battered to. I went through alot of bullshit with her and i always end up on the sharp side of the stick. I've made my decision that KA and I have come to our crossroads, her direction and mines are different. I also think that she already told her bf and was looking for approval to ease her guilt. Life goes on.It hurts but it proceeds

The good, the bad and the ugly

Kathy-Ann and I have been friends for well over 5 years.Ours is a complicated relationship.I can recall the first time i encounter KA ,my friends and I planned a movie lime, four of us in total.Now these were the days before CC8 and Movie Towne, I'm talking the Magnificent 7 (remember them?) It was strangely suspicious that my friend Shannel bought like 8 tickets, while everyone else were buying the usual one ...we were informed that her cousins would be joining us, a whole heap of them. Not a problem for us- of course the more the merrier. That was the first time i met KA, a goth chick like myself ( being goth was the rage back then) she sat four seats away, constantly glimpsing in my direction. I however was more interested in Shannel's cousin Shannon ( this will be elaborated in another post) , but KA kept throwing popcorn my way, making small talk...she even switched seats-- now she was 2 seats away. I was oblivious to the way girls flirt, i still am actually.Kern my guy friend opposite me, smirked "wat boy that girl have it bad for you" to which i whispered under my breath" ummm no Shannon is my thing"...I reached for some candy- M&M's a big pack, the almond kind- the ones i Love, being the gentleman i try to be, i offered to everyone, when i came to KA, she said " Yea I'll take one please" I passed the bag to her, that was the last I ever saw of my precious M&M's she kept the entire thing, smiled coyly saying"if i wanted it i would have to come get it". Needless o say, i did want it but i didn't go get it, i was too busy sitting next to Shannon. From then i swore to everyone, KA was my mortal enemy. Of course i was kidding,however i avoided her cause she scared me, she was the in your face type, the complete opposite of your truly who is the shy secluded one.

Couple weeks later Shannel had her going away party, she was headed to the US to study, all my friends were there, Kern picked me up...we discussed who would be there and who we didn't want to run into, "the crazy chick is going to be there" he laughed , with a twisted look on my face" who?" KA....it didn't cross my mind that because she was Shannel's cousin she would be there and she was...goth dressed, like myself, spikes, chains the whole works. She came over said hello and handed me a black bag. In the bag there were like 10 packs of M&M's , she said sorry for stealing my candy..i said it was no biggie, -- ever since that day she was called M&Ms by everyone , and was pretty embarrassed at her behavior, i said" no biggie-- it really wasn't--, and i was far from angry, its all in good fun:...You really weren't angry she said, of course not, ok good, so you gonna give back the m&M's? Hell no! was my reply...I ate it all that night...

KA and hung out for most of the night, because my date Shannon was busy being the hostess. We talked, danced got to really know each other. She was a really kool girl. At the end of the night we exchanged numbers. well not exchange. Kern and i was headed off, when she burst throw the crowd of limers outside, came up to me, planted one on my lips and slipped me her number. I was dumbfounded, all i heard was hooting and hollering , I sat in Kern's car and got the biggest pat on my back ever. At this stage in my life i was fighting my homosexual feelings so hard, at the party, i was checking out -as much as i tried not to- , the guys there.Some of them were pretty hott. Few days later i got a message on my phone asking me why i hadn't called her, it was from Kern, he had gotten the msg from Niki, who had gotten it from Shannel, who got it from her sister Marissa. Our own little Bmobile network. At the end of that day, i called her.

Nervous, unsure, i wanted to throw up...I didn't know what to say or do, all i knew is that this is what was expected of me. We hit it off that night, speaking of everything from school, to cartoons, music, family....as time progressed KA and i became really close friends. She confessed her huge crush on me, and asked how i felt. This happened like months after. I told her that i liked her also, and i did...but obviously not in the way she wanted me to. We decided to go on a date. This after a scenario with Shannon played off. When my post about Shannon happens, it will all make sense. By this time, my inkling towards the same sex had grown, KA and i met, we had our date, we also had no sexual chemistry whatsoever, -what do u expected form a guy questioning his sexuality-. She was devastated, and kept asking me why I was scared to hold her hand, why was i acting like i now meet her, and not like "a boyfriend" My reply was simply nerves.Upset, she did the most childish thing - hooked up with another guy, after i refused to kiss her at the pool hall. I wasn't hurt, just embarrassed. She wanted to have a make up date, but i refused.We stopped speaking for about 2 months.

That guy she hooked up with on our first "date' later went on to become her steady boyfriend, i was happy for her, i still am. In the days i didn't hear from KA she crossed my mind several times, mostly when i was sitting alone sulking, thinking, i had the chance to have a gf and i blew it.I thought i would never hear from her again, but 2 months later in the middle of the night i got a call from her, don't know what prompted it but it happened. She asked for forgiveness, for being so disrespectful to me on our "date" I did make it clear that i was embarrassed, and felt hurt after. We patched thing up that night, and agreed that the best thing for us both were to be friends. From that day onwards KA and I were the best of friends, We have seen each other through up and downs, family matters, work matters, infidelity, trauma...I've always tried my best to be there for her in anyway i could. We laugh, we cried, we had our small fights, but at the end of it all we were good as gold.

When i came to the realization that i was indeed gay, the courage to tell her didn't come. Not only would it break her heart, i was scared that she would leave me....that Will would lose his Grace. So i didn't, the subject of having a gf always came up, and my answer would almost always be, haven't found someone with the right chemistry yet... we both could relate to that, so she accepted that answer. Its was not until the whole drama with BF numero uno (which will also be in another post) He told her point blank that i was gay, that he had proof ..she asked one, twice, three times at different intervals, i denied it all, until one day i finally caved, i was emotionally drained....i didn't care what her reaction would be, luckily it was a good one...she was glad i found love ( my current bf) i was her official gay best friend she chimed...then proceeded to fantasize about the things we would be doing together...shopping being on the top of the list...-i was not having any of that-, I'm not going to be stereotyped i said...relax, I'm kidding is what she replied.But we are so going to check out guys together

After the whole coming out to her -not by choice-, we became even closer. She pretended to be my gf, at my office Christmas party, we were the hottest couple there...everyone in my office especially the big "players" had their jaw on the floor. Did I mention that KA is very sexy....she's a beauty.We planned to look extra sexy that night, picked out a hot short dress for her, i was decked in a blazer with a jeans that hugged all the right places.KA and i was awesome together, we always had fun, always laughing, it was like we were hand and glove. I accompanied her to her Xmas bash, cause her bf couldn't make it...at the time she was going through some fidelity issues. Where i was deemed as the wrong one, cause i always advised her not to cheat, and she would just throw my advice out of the window.

The object of her affection - a co worker, older than her and what i would deem as a player...but KA just couldn't see it no matter how much i pointed it out to her. He had a GF, also her co worker,he told KA this is just a fling and that he intends to marry his GF, yet KA still clung on to him like make up on a drag queen. I tried my utter best, with as much advice as i could give, including telling her in not so nice words that she was an ass, and needed to get a grip -- i had to dish out some tough love, unknowing to me, KA would go back and tell her object what i was advising, so without even meeting him, i was deemed hate worthy. Before the Xmas bash KA and i discussed that we would avoid her object, that tonight was about all the free food at the Hyatt.

It began well enough, i faked my confidence , met and greeted her bosses , friends with smiles. Then object came into the room headed straight to our table and sat down. The night went downhill from there, KA got visibly upset when object was called out by his Gf to join them at their table....I looked at her, saw the hurt in her eyes and said think about ur bf, she said i'm not on that lets get some drinks....I never hung out with KA in a setting like this, it was always lunch, movies, shooting pool, nothing like a club scene. We got drinks, we got drinks, we got drinks, we got drink....lots of drinks....we got hammered, her more than me. At the end of the night, i was in the ladies washroom, holding her hair back while she threw up. It was embarrassing for her and I both...pretty soon her co workers came to her rescue..and i was pushed aside. I was no way close to being as drunk as she was, since i drink sensibly, drink-water-drink-water, thats how it was for me, i tried to form that pattern with her, but KA was having none of it, she was drink-drink-harder drink. Me not knowing her limit didn't say that enough until she threw up. I got her water, club soda...all of which her friends brushed aside and said she needed to rest. Word got around, and object was soon outside the washroom alongside me waiting for her to come out.He stood there, and the conversation went

Him: i don't like you and you don't like me
Me: I don't know you to make that decision
Him: well i heard
Me: or ok
Him: silence....
Me: texting my bf
Him: she should have never gotten to this point
Me: looking up
Him: she came here with you, you are responsible for her, how could you let her get this drunk
Me:KA is a big woman you know
him: that no excuse
Me: thinking..he's right
Him:when she comes out here i will take her home
Me: she came with me so I'll take her
Him: silence
Me:checking my phone, the bf says when i ready he is outside* he's been there for 2 hours now

KA come out of the washroom, her entourage ( some of them just as drunk as her) trailing behind. She looks at me and then at object and rushes into objects arms, i pull her aside and asked what are you doing? she says i want object, only object can get me sober, to which i reply OMG are you serious, she brushes me aside and goes to him...object is leaning on the wall with the biggest grin on his face. I go up to him, and say make sure she gets home safe, i look at her " text me wen you get home" I leave, meet my bf downstairs, and rant about it-- before i go thou i take a couple shots of something clear. so by the time i reach down stairs I'm a bumbling fool. I was so angry. The next day i don't hear from her, i am worried ...i call her she is ok....thank fully....but somehow, i am being blamed whole fully for her drunkenness. We had a big argument.I was deeply offended, how could she place all the blame on me, i admit that i could have said stopped her with the drinking, but i didn't know her tolerance level...my judgment could have been better.

The days to follow wasn't good ...her bf blamed me, object said i got her drunk purposefully to take advantage of her, her co workers all assumed the same thing. She didn't even defend me, when i asked her why didn't she, she said the only thing comes to her mind was that I'm gay , so that wasn't the case, but she didn't want to sell out my secret.I took the blame, i didn't care- i don't know and dont care to know any of them-. The straw that broke the camel's back, however was the fact that her bf was placing blame squarely on me for her poor conduct. At that point, i was so pissed i didn't care for KA to be my friend anymore, we stopped speaking for about 2 months again . She called me once again,apologized that she didn't take some of the blame, we decided to just forget the whole incident happened. Our relationship was never the same again, some how it felt like her attitude towards me had changed, and not in a good way. Still i tried to be there for her whenever i could, but Sunday past...something occurred that makes me want nothing to do with her again....

This is how school started...

In my head Secondary School was a book filled with blank pages , just waiting to write my new life in. All the bullies from Primary school were all but gone, no one knew of my fem past -I was a new person. Completely 'normal'. During the registration process, i met up with a couple guys from Primary school I guess moving from a one building school to this huge multi building, multiple story school had us all a bit scared ,so trying to cling on to some sort of familiarity we became fast friends. Each one of these guys did tease me at one time of the other,especially the one called Matthew he was the worse amongst the bunch but somehow here we were enemies....scared of a common element,ended up talking and laughing like best of buds.

Assuming that we were all going into the same class, we headed to the auditorium better known as the hall. Soon they were calling out the names of each student for each class, we were all separated, except of course me and Matthew..just my luck. We were placed in the same class. being the anti social dove i am, it was awkward sitting there among all those new faces, each one of us sitting with a somber look , Matthew came into the class room after i had gotten there and asked if he could sit, what other choice did i have...i said sure. We were silent , the occasional glance was exchanged , sometimes him pointing out a guy or girl he knew walking through the corridor. You see the school was situated about 6 houses away from Matthew's residence,therefore he was familiar with alot of the students.That was the last time Matthew and i were ever going to be anything close to friends.

The first day of school, Matthew had already made friends over the summer... a couple of the boys from the class lived in the neighbourhood. I was alone siting at my desk, when this huge guy, well compared to myself asked if he can sit next to me. I dare not say no. Bell rang , and our form teacher came in- sat down to the usual business of introducing the concept of secondary school, to us...then through the door came the most wonderful sight ever...one of my friends from Primary school...Vijesh...he got a transfer. I didn't feel so alone, he sat in the front desk, The teacher, started switching students around....yup...Vijesh was placed next to me. So far the first day of school was going good. That's until after lunch when we experienced our first ever free period. the guys including myself gathered on one side of the room, talking , laughing about cartoons, sports, movies - then the subject of girls came up and each of us were asked to pick a girl who we would like to date. When my turn came up I picked dreamy Rianna , i spoke to her briefly during lunch time and was completely smitten. This some how struck a chord with Matthew , he was apparently in love with her....I don't recall how the confrontation happened, its sort of blurry...i remember him saying, "a girl like you can't like she"...to which some of the other guys replied "how yuh cud call d man a guyl" then Matthew blurted out " he used to dance in school and thing , a big guyl"...something snapped inside me...I wasn't about to let Matthew throw ink all over my blank pages...i grabbed him my the collar and slammed him into the chalkboard, jacking him up...he struggled , but my rage had given me power i didn't know i had, the class made an up roar , at the same time the dean was passing. you can guess what happened next , I was sent straight to the principals office ..on the first day of school for fighting, I was so scared...luckily the principal was in a good mood- i was given a stern warning and sent back.When i there everyone was staring at me I felt so alienate, sitting down in my chair I buried my head into my book bag. Vijesh put his head on the desk next to mines and whispered...ha ha ha Matthew is an ass. I smiled. It made me feel better.

Matthew and i were sworn enemies from that day. I was elected as perfect of the class, and i think it was because of that fight.Matthew was even more hell bent of destroying me. He told any and everyone about my fem behavior in primary school, brought up stories of how they made fun of me , how i would cry, he was vomiting my primary school life to everyone, some people believed, some didn't. In secondary school i wasn't totally butch , there was a small part of me that was still fem, but i tried my utmost to control it, it can usually be seen when i was angry or excited, the hand gestures would just burst out of the woodwork. Form one I made alot of friends, Vijesh and i grew closer and was virtually inseparable. My crush was still Rianna, she and i would sit during lunch and any free periods we would get.This killed Matthew much to my delight. I didn't have any gay crushes, or thought about boys in any way besides being friends. I thought i was straight , I liked girls but the future had other plans. Next chapter forms 2&3.....