I am at a loss as to where to being this post....here goes---i was molested at a young age till form 2...it all started when i was about 8-9 i cant recall exactly when, I've tried so hard to forget, that its all in bits and pieces ...i feel dirty just thinking back on it....i feel so helpless and ashamed. The said person who i will now refer to as "zombie" cause zombies scare me. Zombie was much older than me, he was about 19 or so when the touching began, it gradually escalated in to fully blown oral sex, and then intercourse...it was sometimes violent...i would be left with bruises on my arms and legs, it was only gentle if i was willing, so to save myself from pain, i became willing. It occurred on a daily basis, and my parents suspected nothing, you see they trusted zombie. Zombie in my mind will always be an evil person that made threats to my life, and the life of my sisters if i ever breathed a word to anyone. I felt sick after each incident, so much so i would go to the washroom and lock myself in there for hours crying, praying, cussing. My mind will only carry me so far back, the memories are hidden so deep within it, to get to them i would have to peel away millions of layers of scar tissue. I had my first orgasm experience with zombie, i felt weak in the knees, i thought i was going to die, the next day i got feverish, i said my prayers and got ready to die...i was so stupid back then....Only 2 people on this earth knows what happened to me....(more of that to come later). Zombie took away my virginity and i hate him for it, i was left bleeding a couple times after he came over, he would run scared home....i was left with the pain. I am disgusted with myself, because there were times i enjoyed it....i enjoyed the molestation.....god, this is harder than i thought.....i didn't tell anyone cause i was scared i was going to be blamed, that i would be beaten and locked away as a freak, i never once stopped and thought ......maybe i was the victim, i was a stupid boy. Zombie finally left the country when i was in form 2, it was the happiest day in my life, no more pain....no more shame.....i was free. Little did i know that the psychological pain was only beginning, for the rest of my life i would have panic dreams, i would get up in cold sweats. This psychological damage is more horrid than the physical pain i felt. I stole a book on molestation from the library....i was too ashamed to borrow it, i read for 2 nights straight.....now i have a better understanding , now i can truly begin to heal and pick up the pieces of my shattered mind.
The Begining....
I am at a loss as to where to being this post....here goes---i was molested at a young age till form 2...it all started when i was about 8-9 i cant recall exactly when, I've tried so hard to forget, that its all in bits and pieces ...i feel dirty just thinking back on it....i feel so helpless and ashamed. The said person who i will now refer to as "zombie" cause zombies scare me. Zombie was much older than me, he was about 19 or so when the touching began, it gradually escalated in to fully blown oral sex, and then intercourse...it was sometimes violent...i would be left with bruises on my arms and legs, it was only gentle if i was willing, so to save myself from pain, i became willing. It occurred on a daily basis, and my parents suspected nothing, you see they trusted zombie. Zombie in my mind will always be an evil person that made threats to my life, and the life of my sisters if i ever breathed a word to anyone. I felt sick after each incident, so much so i would go to the washroom and lock myself in there for hours crying, praying, cussing. My mind will only carry me so far back, the memories are hidden so deep within it, to get to them i would have to peel away millions of layers of scar tissue. I had my first orgasm experience with zombie, i felt weak in the knees, i thought i was going to die, the next day i got feverish, i said my prayers and got ready to die...i was so stupid back then....Only 2 people on this earth knows what happened to me....(more of that to come later). Zombie took away my virginity and i hate him for it, i was left bleeding a couple times after he came over, he would run scared home....i was left with the pain. I am disgusted with myself, because there were times i enjoyed it....i enjoyed the molestation.....god, this is harder than i thought.....i didn't tell anyone cause i was scared i was going to be blamed, that i would be beaten and locked away as a freak, i never once stopped and thought ......maybe i was the victim, i was a stupid boy. Zombie finally left the country when i was in form 2, it was the happiest day in my life, no more pain....no more shame.....i was free. Little did i know that the psychological pain was only beginning, for the rest of my life i would have panic dreams, i would get up in cold sweats. This psychological damage is more horrid than the physical pain i felt. I stole a book on molestation from the library....i was too ashamed to borrow it, i read for 2 nights straight.....now i have a better understanding , now i can truly begin to heal and pick up the pieces of my shattered mind.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
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Hi blue wolf thanks for adding me. I just read your blog. The things that have been done to you are terrible.I can't imagine being in a situation like that. I hope you can find some kind of healing through your blog. If you ever need to talk just email me.
Peace
Man, I'm so glad you got that book.
Have you decided to take this journey on your own? Or do you think you're going to need help at some point?
I only have experience with suicidal thoughts and i will ell you that going to a counselor changed my life. Just being able to let it all out was what did it for me.
I am just so glad to see another Trini guy blogging and I hope you don't stop telling your story, because there are tons of guys out there in Trinidad who need to know that they are not alone.
No need to beat up on yourself man for being "naive". The man took your innocence and it is not your fault at all.
Your story also means a lot to me because we are practically the same age. I remember forms 1 and 2 and I cannot imagine what it would have been like to go through that at that age man.
Do you think that in some way this might be responsible for "making" you gay?
Did you say every day though? That man was evil...
Hey almish thnks for the support, i hope i find some healing also.
A freind: I was zombified almost everyday....thnks for the support ;)
I hope the book will help a lot in your healing.
You mention that there were times that you enjoyed it. This is not surprising. There can obviously be physical pleasure in it. That is why people do it willingly. But the fact that you enjoyed it does not mean that you chose it.
When I was in college a priest told the class (giving no details by which anyone could have any idea about who or when it was) that one time someone came to him in Confession and confessed a sin of fornication. The priest asked if he was sorry he had done it, and he was. But then he said, "But father, I enjoyed it," and the priest replied, "Of course you enjoyed it!" The point being that the enjoyment is not something we can control. We can feel the physical sensation of pleasure whether or not we have chose it, whether or not we want it.
Wolfy,
Zombies are cowards. Defeat them by courage and confidence. Dont forget it....but let it lift you up.
Oh my God!
I lived with a similar nightmare for some time. All the feeings of disgust, self-worhtlessness, shame, and even enjoyment - same. All the stuff about 'our little secret', however it might have been expressed - same.
I do not believe in regression therapy - re-living the pain, etc - scar tissue develops for a good reason, and is usually left well alone.
Instead, I have faced it all, taken cognizance of it as being part of who I am, and striven each day to keep it all out of my thoughts, but ensuring that through being excellent at what I (used to) do, and caring and genuine in all my relationships, that I am the winner, and not the victim.
With a population of little more than 1 million, I expect there is a lot of 'small town' feeling in your home, making it very difficult to go and find anonymous help. As far as I am aware, only the Rape Crisis Society seems able to help, should you need it. They are in port of Spain, and this is their phone number (868) 622-7273
If you pay no attention to anything I have written, I would ask you to bear this in mind: You are a SURVIVOR and not a VICTIM.
G =]
Hey Blue Wolf, I just found http://www.malesurvivor.org
I have not had a chance to look through it much but I was thinking you might be interested in other people stories.
@everyone: Thank you for your support so much
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