Looking back no matter how hard i try, i can't seem to pinpoint the exact time when i realized i was gay. Guys were never interesting to me in Primary school, i had many girl crushes, in Secondary School it was the same , until the middle of form four when Assad was transferred to our school, from St Georges College....the first time i laid eyes on that boy, i was in love.His eyes, his smile, the way his hair fell right above his eyes.....everything.... Being the prefect I was assigned to show him around, of course I did not mind. I tried my best to contain my excitement , and played it cool. He was my first boycrush. I would do anything to be close to him, trade seats, volunteer to be his lab partner...i was a desperate dee dee. We actually became good friends, he sat next to me during all our free periods, we exchanged notes during class, sharing jokes, dissing each other...i was in love...I was scared also that someone would find out, so even though i wanted to be with him every single free moment, i couldn't. Whenever he sat next to me and our legs touched i would melt, his hand brushed against mines on more than one occasion, i was beginning to think that he felt the same way.I dare not say anything,just relished the moments it happened. He came from a very strict Muslim family, so its more probable if anything was there he would have suppressed it. After form 5 we kept in contact a couple months, and then that was it , i never heard from him again. My lack of a house phone was a major cause for this .Occasionally I would get a letter to which a reply was sent, just to touch base.I ran into him earlier this year at the gas station, we recognized each other , he was on the opposite side so we just waved, all my feelings just rushed back , and i realized that i truly was in love with him.He sent me a friend request on FB, where we spoke a bit. Even though nothing happened, and nothing ever will ( he's engaged) I still treasure that warm feeling i got when he sat next to me, or wrote a joke to cheer me up, he will always have the title of being my first ever boycrush.
4 comments:
It's good that you're back in touch. But even better is that nothing happened to destroy the friendship. That makes all the memories good, and makes it possible for the friendship to resume on a level which changed circumstances permit.
Yeah I agree with naturgesetz that it's probably good nothing happened to ruing the friendship; and that is what usually happens when people get romantically involved after being friends (especially when there is nowhere for the relationship to go).
I think you guys can still be friends and stuff in the future.
I'm surprised that you can't remember any attractions to guys until Form 4! By then I had has crushes for years and years in school (and church). In fact, if I was in denial then a few months into Form 1 I knew. Man, this post is carrying me way, way back. The worst thing is to think that the other guy might like you but never know for sure. It plays with your heart. And I remember that knee thing too....lol
Then again other guys might be surprised that I can't say "I always knew I was different," either.
Wow man you brought back some school memories there.
(P.S. naturgesetz you might like to know that Form 4 is around 15 or 16 years of age. Form 1 is usually 11 years of age. I dunno what that is in the "Grade" system.)
@A Friend: Yup it was not until form 4 i realized i had same sex attractions, I'm a late bloomer.:P
Experiences like that are very special, aren't they. I read this post and thought of the dried flowers hanging in my kitchen window: they have faded since they came out of my garden, and in my eyes are just as beautiful, if differently now. But I know that if I handle them or try and rearrange them to suit my current mood, they will just crumble into dust; lost.
Hvae a wonderful day G =]
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