My previous post was longer than i intended it to be, but i needed to have some background information on Kathy Ann and I. And that's as condensed as i could have gotten it. Yes that's the condensed version. KA is the only str8ie that knows my sexual orientation, my secret. It wasn't by choice but i told her, she seemingly accepted it.The reason why i said seemingly is because of the following events.
*going on msn*
Her: Hey you know how long I've been waiting on you
Me: Really? How come
Her: I was here whole week last week till 9 waiting on you, but you never showed
Me:I wasn't online last week
Her: O ok, I have something i want to ask you and i Hope i get a favorable response
Me: Hmmmm, ok shoot
Her: Can i tell *insert her Bf name here* you are gay
Me: What!!
Her: Pleeeaseeeee
Me: Why would you want to do that?
Her:It would make life so much easier
Me: How so?
Her: Well i wouldn't have to lie all the time
Me: Lie?
Her: Yea , like when we have to lime, or wen i buy stuff for you, he gets really jealous
Me: o
Her: So can i? Pleeeassee
Me: Do you know what you are asking? you are asking me to let someone else know MY secret
Her:But its not like everyone doesn't know
Me: What do you mean by that
Her: Look at your Facebook page, anyone who does would know
Me: 99% of the people on my FB is gay and the other 1% are school friends that are none the wiser, plus no one can see my friend list
Her:Are you ashamed of yourself?
Me: KA you are asking me to put myself out there, for people i don't know to know i am gay
Her: Who would *insert her Bf name here* tell?
Me: I dunno, you never know a situation like: Hey who is that guy walking so close with yuh woman? O he that's her gay friend
Her: O come on nothing like that will ever happen
Me: yuh never know, i know how str8 guys think, and its worse when they are insecure
Her: He is not insecure, i just want to so things wont be so bad, i wont have to hide when it comes to you all the time
Me: i dunno if you should
Her:So yuh telling me you are ashamed of yourself, of your friends, of *insert my BF name here*
Me: no i'm not saying that, i'm just uncomfortable
Her: Come nah pleaaassee it would make thing so much easier
Me: It would make your life easier?
Her: Yes
Me: ok well if it makes your life less stressful you can go ahead
Her: Goodie
Me: I just don't want anyone else to know
Me: And i am not ashamed of being gay, its just being gay in Trinidad isn't exactly a safe thing
Her:But its your choice
Me: My choice?
Her: Yea
Me: To be gay?
Her: Yea
Me: OMG being gay isn't a choice, you think i would choose this life of prejudice, of hate, of fear?
Her:I dunno about you, but alot of people chose to especially girls
Me: There have been alot of studies conducted that point that being gay isn't anyone choice, but genetic
Her: I never heard about that
Me: Yea, so its not a choice
Her: Yes it is
Me: *getting more flustered* NO its NOT
Her: Do you think god would make man, put him on this earth to lie in bed with another man
Me: what?
Her: God made man for woman, so that they can progress, have kids and be happy.He didn't make man for man so i think its a choice
Me: Well its not
Her: In the book ( she is Muslim) it is written that being gay is wrong you know
Me: I believe god put me here for a reason, and that he loves me. I also believe that every book that has been written was written by man, and each sentence in those books can be interpreted a different way. Man uses these words to his benefit all the time
Her: Are you saying the great Prophet was a liar
Me; no i am not, I'm just saying that man is corrupt and will use the word of god to justify corruption
Her:*taking deep offense* the great Mohammad was not corrupt
Mel; I am not attacking your religion, I'm talking general
Her: *insert my name here* i take god very seriously, and i don't like what you are saying
Me: I'm not attacking god either, I'm simply saying that the race of man is corrupt, and people will always use religion and god to get what they want
Me: Man is a corrupt species. Do you know all the suffering that occurs because of "god". But do u think god wants this suffering, no he doesn't, its corrupt man that is causing it
Her: I think god has a reason
Me: You cannot think that, because God cannot be understood by our small human minds
Her: I don't think you believe in god, because he says it is wrong for you to lie with another man, and you choose to
Me: Are you for real, how dare you say i don't believe in god
Her: Because you don't
Me: I may not follow any book word for word, but i talk to god everyday. I have a personal relationship with him
Her:So you telling me you talk to god and he replies
Me: Yes
Her: What do you talk to him about? Being gay?
Me: I talk to him about everything,i ask him to keep my friends, family safe
Her:And he replies?
Me: yes he does
Her:And yet you believe religion is corrupt?
Me: Man is corrupt
Her: Man isn't corrupt Mohammad was perfect
Me: but he was a man
Her: So you know god right?
Her: what if i call you parents and tell them you are gay? Would they care for you still? Would they want you in that house ? will you talk to god and tell him to stop me and he will reply yes?
Me: FUCK off KA
Me: You're threatening me to call my parents , how the hell could you?
Her: I don't want you as my friend anymore, I believe in god and you don't
Me : I never said i don't believe in god
Me: i don't think we should be friends either
Her:I feel pity for you, thinking you know god, when you are so in the dark
She signs out and 10 mins later comes back in
Her: I'm sorry about the conversation we had earlier i hope we can see past this
Her: have a good night
I can't get over it. this conversation got me so upset that i cried. i didn't write everything that we talked about, just the main parts.There was a time i asked her about all the people in the middle east who are willing to give their lives in the name of the lord, if god asked them to, or a man did. She got so offended that she asked if i think she would do the same. I went silent thinking i crossed some invisible line, but told her it was just to outline the point that man will twist the word of god to accomplish anything. She mocked me being gay and told me that i should go cry. She thinks that by me hiding my sexuality i am ashamed of every other gay person out there. that deeply offended me. The threat she made to tell my parents. I knew there were times i was wrong, but i see plainly that KA never liked the idea of me being gay, and seems to take offense that me a gay person can talk to god.Even though she said she hopes we move past this, we wont...i am too battered to. I went through alot of bullshit with her and i always end up on the sharp side of the stick. I've made my decision that KA and I have come to our crossroads, her direction and mines are different. I also think that she already told her bf and was looking for approval to ease her guilt. Life goes on.It hurts but it proceeds
6 comments:
First of all: is KA stable?
Next:
You Sir are bloody brilliant! Of course she already told him!
(Now that you said that I wonder how I didn't come to that conclusion sooner.)
You have very good instincts man...
I only hope she doesn't tell your parents. Is there any way to avoid her from here on out?
And when you said you have a personal relationship with God I nearly said "Amen!"
I (assuming you're Hindu) never imagined that Hindus think about God in the same way Christians do.
That's very, very, very interesting.
We really are not all that different at all at all.
Do you think that she could be attacking you because of guilt about her non-Muslim lifestyle? (like drinking etc)
I know you didn't ask for any feedback but I'm giving it anyway. I really don't think she was ever really your friend. Friends accept friends whole, no judgment. How can she come and quote "the book" now? What does the book have to say about her infidelity? IF she where truly your friend, she would not have to use your sexual orientation to quell her bfs insecurities, he would have understood that you were not romantically involved and gotten over it. If she were truly your friend she would not mention your parents at all, what good could possible come from them knowing? You can't have a convo like that with someone then just say sorry and think everything will be fine. Like my 5 year old says " Sorry not curing". I know you must be hurting now, but know that some people are just not meant to be in your front row, this will pass.
@A.Friend:I had alot of ammo to wrk with (her non Muslim lifestyle) but i chose not to its unlike me, maybe she blames me for some of her actions? As for avoiding her, the best i can do is not take her calls...i wont delete her from Fb/Mns in the fear that it may shove her in an uncontrollable rage , which will push her to call my parents, so I'll have to lie low and breathe silently. And yup she is as stable as any of us
@Bianca: Feedback is always welcome :)thnks for the advice, before the whole coming out thing we were friends...its sad that friendship ends.
well..she iz a real ass!
its so easy for ple to judge, but they cant see wat's wrong wit them. she wont tell ur parents, she cant. cause jus like hw she holds ur secret, u hold hers.
wat i cant undersatnd is how she felt this way about u, n god, or watever all the time n never said ne ting about it. is it that she thought having a 'gay friend' is kool?...u sure she dont always go around talking about "oh yea! i kne all about the 'gay ple ting' "...maybe lots more st8 ple knw about u than u knw...
@anige: Yea i think she told more ppl than i know :(
Her: I don't want you as my friend
Her:I feel pity for you, thinking you know god, when you are so in the dark
I think I stared dumbfounded at these two sentences. And yet, is convinced she's completely outside the realm of self doubt, sin and is all knowledgable about the gods.
wow, as an atheist..i laughed, as a friend, I sympathised with your loss, and as a bisexual and someone who has had to face prejuidice, I'm sorry.
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