The fat lady sings

After 5 years its over

He said he doesn't have time in his life for a relationship

Work has gotten crazy

His family is demanding

He doesn't have time for himself

He says its not me, its him and his time issues

He says its not fair to me, that hes always busy

So there it is, i have to pick up the pieces and move on with my life

Is there another person i can fall in love with? I highly doubt it

I feel dead inside, nothing matters, nothing ever will again

Ive been depressed for 2 weeks now, and been thinking of ways to end my life

I have no friends to talk to about this

I tried talking to one friend and he told me i should just suck it up and get it together

No one knows how much this is hurting me

I let down all my barriers for that guy and now i feel betrayed

The world carries on....

5 Things

Things i am Grateful for

• Being Alive
• Health
• My Family
• Comics
• My Boyfriend 

I'm gonna try and list 5 things im grateful for every time i sign on here 

 

Manniversary

My 5 year "manniversary" was quickly upon me , I called him on Friday, the day would have been the Sunday  I asked him , what's  the big plans for the weekend, he then proceeded to rattle on a list of tasks he had to accomplish, the usual...Gym, some work, cook, grocery shopping , hang out with some co workers...i asked anything else, he quickly added spend some time with you of course. He forgot.

I hung up the phone, utterly bewildered . How to feel...angry? Sad? indifferent? clearly this occasion didn't mean anything to him. I decided to call him back and just say it. I did , he stated of course he remembered , a tall lie of course. What would you like to do? 

What would I like to do? I couldn't help but scoff , I've been reminding him of this since December, and asking to make solid plans. Nothing ever came of it.

So what did I do on that day? He took me for a haircut, then we went to the grocery, and the mall. The end.

Basically errands. I decided and I told him , no more celebrations of anniversaries.

I always get disappointed 

Happy Monday

Happy Monday Morning to you! How was the weekend? Mines was spent un-decorating :( Christmas is over, makes me sad. Its remarkable, putting up those decorations took me over a week, taking them down took me 2 hours....lol... i guess ripping them down, filling them up in bags and boxes is the difference.

Today marks the beginning of my movement towards shedding some lbs, my goal this month 5lbs. Im not flying off the handle and aiming for like 25lbs, i just want a simple 5 to start with and work my way down from that, and good news i found a friend whos willing to join me. He also wants to get fit this year, as we all do. So now that i have some sort of support system the chances of being successful just went up :D

This month is also a significant one, it marks 5 years since ive been with my up/down on/off bf...yes an entire 5 years has elapsed. Does he remember, im not sure, am i going to remind him....hells no... let just wait and see what happens.

In other news ive been bombarded with requests to go out on dates all of a sudden. I feel as if someone is trying to playing some sort of elaborate trick on me...snaps my boss just arrived got to rack it up. yes im blogging from work....its seems bad habits are hard to break.

TTYL

Forgiveness

A friend who deleted me from the almighty Facebook almost a year ago sent me a message yesterday. I wasn't entirely surprised since he had deleted me before and then begged me to accept his friend request which i did and then he deleted me again. My reaction at the time was " such is life you win some you lose some"

Yesterday's message was one asking for forgiveness, from me. Basically the footnotes are he was jealous of me and my attitude towards life, he was jealous of the fact i had a bf, he was jealous  i seemed to always be happy no matter what i was going through and he couldn't stand it. Of course i was shocked by this revelation , i felt a bit proud , I mean i have never had anyone be jealous of me before, well at least not to my knowledge. At the end of his letter he asked for my forgiveness, for his thoughts and actions towards me.

I stopped for a minute and thought about it. Thought about the courage it must have taken him to admit these things to me, to swallow pride and seek the forgiveness of someone else.  I did forgive him. He then sent me a friend request which i accepted, we chatted online for a bit and i had a greater understanding of him.

He was depressed , utterly depressed about everything occurring in his life, and that was his way of just lashing out at everyone and everything. Hes says hes in a better place now, and much more comfortable in his own skin and circumstances. I'm happy hes running up that hill , instead of sinking slowly into the pit of nothing.

I was like him once, heck i get like him sometimes. But there is always that little voice inside my head that pulls me out of it. I don't like being depressed, i always feel as if im wasting time sulking around crying and staring at the walls, when i could be doing something i love, like cooking or better yet eating.

Of course when you accept a friend request , it shows up in other people news feed. I was bombarded with questions as to why i add him back, since the end result is hes going to delete me again. My simple answer was its a new year and everyone deserves a second chance.

Its a New Year

Happy 2013 to you and yours. Its a new year and the aim of this year , well one of the aims....Blog at least once a week....i was about to type day ,but lord knows aint nobody got time for that.

So here i am , a typical guy in Trinidad, well except for the fact that i am attracted to other guys. Most of the times im  pretty normal on the verge of being boring, but this year i intend to change that... exactly how..Im not sure yet, but bet your bottom im working on it.

Shall i update on what went on in 2012...lets see ... I gained weight, which is always a horrible thing in the gay lifestyle its like we are expected to be toned and buff else they wont let us in the clubs and other gay guys wont be your friend., its a sad but true fact, if you are skinny and good looking you automatically attract more gay friends, putting aside the fact that all they wanna do is bed you, you still get more attention than if you were overweight. I intend to lose the lbs i put on , not cause im looking to attract more friends but for the simple fact that my entire wardrobe of clothes fits a little too snug, and i am TOO POOR to go out there and buy more clothes.

Im not going on any kinda extreme diet, im just going to move around more, whether it be rolling around from one place to another, hopping with the kids, walking briskly away from bad fashion, cause im not at the point where i can run...Im just going to  increase the amount of activity i do. O and im going to eat less......snacks ...let see where this goes from there. FYI my starting weight is 175LBs.

There everyone is up to date. Let 2013 begins *pulls race gun*

Disappointment

I find myself more and more accepting that Love doesnt exist for me, and by love i mean romantic love...not family love cause i get lots of that home. But im lonely....so very lonely...everyone i encounter is so shallow...so to the point...wanna hook up? How big is your cock? Top or bottom? ....where are the long term relationship seeking gays in Trinidad?!! Am i the only who wants to be romanced, to be romantic...to work towards a life together instead of a slam bam or worse the I love you but im still going to get married to a chick and have kids cause that is what is expected of me....we can still be friends after aka fuckbuddies....I hate this world and i really hate being gay....I thought i was okay with it but time is floating away and ill end up old and fucking alone cause all these pricks out here are too coward to love ...

Depression

Ive been fighting a battle with depression over the past couple months, it comes and goes and leaves me with the most empty feeling ive ever had. I think about many things, many of my short comings...education, looks, personality, talent ...the list goes on and on....i find myself sitting in the dark....just sitting doing nothing, not even staring into the darkness, just sitting there nothing on my mind, no thoughts floating about ...just there....its a sad state even for me but its like i don't even have the zeal to snap myself out of it. I sometimes think im such a lazy bitch for not even having the will power to get myself up and walk around, maybe it will help, maybe it wont , at least i wont be there sitting in the dark...being nothing...feeling like nothing....Im rambling on and on aren't i ? I dont even know why im blogging about this, not like anyone reads the crap i put here, on some level im hoping getting some of this off my chest will help me.

Good Idea , Bad Idea

Good Idea: Jumping Rope to keep fit

Bad Idea: Jumping rope to keep fit while singing "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard" and grabbing your chest ...Neighbors stare from their backyard

Dear Reckless Drivers

Hello Reckless Drivers of Trinidad,

You guys and gals are really assholes, swerving in and out of lanes, speeding through red lights, switching lanes without indicators, randomly stopping  ...I can go on and on. Have you ever stopped to wonder what about the other cautious drivers on the road ( like me) ?

The sad thing is ,when you cross the median and crash into a family coming home from a beach lime killing everyone in that vehicle while you and your passenger escape with minor injuries no one gets charged.

So a big fuck you- to you, be more considerate...you are not going to be late twice, and I'm sure the place you are going to isn't running away . Luckily I believe in Karma so i know you will get yours

Thank you, have a great day and remember always buckle up.

Grateful that god didn't endow me with mutant powers to blow up cars,

The Blue Wolf

The Memories

The memories that are intertwined with songs sometimes comes to bite me in the butt , and not in a good way. This morning i put my ipod on shuffle and proceeded to eat my breakfasses.Then this song came up:

Anna Nalick: Forever Love (digame)

On the ground
With my world
Upside down
I got a vision of your face
And I must get me out
For so many memories we've yet to make
God don't send to me your angels
I just wanna hear you say again

Forever love
Say you'll love
Digame, Digame
Tell me so
I can hold you in my soul
If I go
I'll know

When you smile
With those eyes
Baby it's like
You place a finger on my heart
And your lips next to mine
Makes me think that maybe heavens where you are
God don't send to me your angels
I just wanna hear you say again

Forever love
Say you'll love
Digame, Digame
Tell me so
I can hold you in my soul
And if I go
I'll know

La la la la...

Forever love
Say you'll love
Digame, Digame
Tell me so
I can hold you in my soul
And If I go
I'll know
Forever love
Say you'll love
Digame, Digame
Tell me so
I can hold you in my soul
And if I go
I'll know

It was our song (my Ex and I) Holds good memories and bad ones.

Maybe in my next post i'll talk about him :(

The Universe Answers!!

I'm sitting here typing how horny i am when i get a BBM message from my BF telling me, I'm all his later :)...This was followed by some really raunchy talk that i had to end cause believe me i would have creamed my work pants.

We have been together for awhile now but he still knows how to turn up the fire , and well he gets hard every time he sits next to me...so i guess i'm still working his "On switch "...maybe it my pheromones :/

Whatever the reason is when we get together its fireworks :)

BTW did this blog just move from "PG-13" to "XXX" with my last post lol

O Dammmm

Cause im Horny , these are supposedly Reichen Lehmkuhl ...yum!!

TMI?

I haven't had sex for a week, i think i am going to flip out. My Bf and i usually get it on everyday :p but  for the past week he's been working late and the 5 mins we get to hang out together , we are both just too tired --i've been putting in a couple extra hours myself.

I seriously cannot function, everything reminds me of sex, it's like im sporting a boner since morning. I'm literally stuck behind my desk cause if i stand up ....boing!! its all up in ppl space...lol..

I'm hoping as its Friday I'll be able to get some later. in the meantime, I'm trying not to touch myself or think about sex.

Dear Co-Worker

Dear Co Worker,

Yesterday i gave you an envelope to take to the post office, "get me the cost to ship to the UK via express mail please" You did , came back, told me its $130.00. Kool. This morning i give you $200.00, the same said envelope and told you to send this off. You go to the post office and mail it out via Normal Mail which costs $50.00.....Do i need to write, spell,and read for you people???!!!

Thank you for fucking up the customer's order. You are older than I, you've regularly boasted about the 18 places you've  worked before in your lifetime and yet the words- common and sense- doesn't come together in your vocabulary. I am not your superior nor you mines, yet in the play "life at work" you act like everyone's boss.

Whats done is done and I'm pretty pissed, its a miracle i didn't explode into a huge pile of glitter when you handed me back $150.00 and said i gave you too much. Ha ha ha ha..fuck you...

Always respectful at work

The Blue Wolf

175

After much searching yesterday afternoon, I found the movie - Paragraph 175- I can truthfully say that this documentary touched me. The horror these men suffered is unimaginable , during the course of the interviews I kept placing myself in the same situation...What would i have done?...Would by a combination of bravery, a strong will and luck would i have survived, would i have been able to go on living after seeing my BF being eaten alive by dogs? Would the images, smells, sounds drive me quietly insane?

I am truly grateful for the era in which i live...compared to back then this hide and seek  i play is pretty much paradise . And unbelievably up to this day Homosexuals that survived the Holocaust are  still not recognized by the German Gov't. :(

The Spirit of these brave men and woman at the end of the film is what really tugged at my heart strings. I'm happy i discovered this movie....

Thank you Letters

So to flip the coin to my angry letters, I'm going to start writing positive thank you letters...so i may remember the people who are kind to me. Of course i will let them know to their faces -if i can, how much i am grateful for their action, words, deeds etc, this is just a way to remember the story behind it. :)

Paragraph 175

Paragraph 175
I want to see this movie and will spend the greater part of this week trying to locate online. Why? Cause i want to appreciate the era i live in, I want to know what it was like, i want to appreciate where the gay community has reached and i want to look forward to the future.

Rape Dream

Last night i witnessed a scene in my head, i was floating above it in a dimly lit room, the only light coming from a single yellow light bulb shining down on my seemingly unconscious body.Around me huge muscular men were taking their turns doing me, their faces hidden in the dark. I was scared and repulsed...was i dead?

The scene shifts , I'm now sitting in the living room, my dad clearly angry he pops a DVD into the player , on the TV the previous scene comes up. I thought he would kill me instead , he vowed to find the people so that they wouldn't do it to anyone else

The scene shifts once again, I'm walking towards my room upon entering i notice the same men sitting on my bed, they hold me down, i scream out...i yell at them that the police are on their way. The biggest guy drags me by the collar he sniffs at my neck like an animal, he whispers that I'll have to get them all out of here or else he will kill my entire family. I quickly agree. I'm scared. He pushes me out my room and has one of his pals follow me.

I walk outside, enemy behind  , there's a party going on, my friends are there, my family, i lead him through rows and rows of chairs, i see my cousin ...i make small talk with him- my eyes pleading -when i realize he's not taking the hint, i ask him if he's looking for this broom handle ( one is leaning on the wall) he looks at me puzzled, i quickly whisper that the guy behind me is trying to kill me. He snaps the broom handle in 2 and shoves the sharp part into the guys stomach, blood flows everywhere , the guy slumps down. My brother and sisters approach asking whats the matter, i fill them in. They told me go back to my room and bring out another.

I do as i am told, this time the biggest guy sends out 2 people with me. I walk quickly ahead then I spin around, pushing one of the guys into my brother who easily snaps his neck, in the mean time my sisters were gouging out the eyes of the other guy, who was screaming relentlessly, until my brother also breaks his neck

We all walk back to my room, my cousin kicks in the door, the biggest guy and another guy are sitting on the bed waiting for me, the smaller guy attacks my sister, everyone jumps on him, my eyes catches the boss- he laughs , my brother jumps on him, the guy is huge , he punches my brother in the face, my brother bites off his ear...entirely...then i hear drums...my brother is no longer there ...instead i see one of my Hindu gods...Kali Ma...she rips off the guys head...the scene shifts...I'm in a field...before me Kali Ma is dancing the guys head clasped in her hand, his spine swinging freely about...I awake with a startle...Scared and Happy at the same time.

In this dream I'm literally saved by my family, and in the end god...It pretty much sums up my life.

Read before Entering

I added a warning to my Blog cause some of its content maybe inappropriate for young readers and perhaps i may want to post a pic of a sexy guy now and then :P