The fat lady sings

After 5 years its over

He said he doesn't have time in his life for a relationship

Work has gotten crazy

His family is demanding

He doesn't have time for himself

He says its not me, its him and his time issues

He says its not fair to me, that hes always busy

So there it is, i have to pick up the pieces and move on with my life

Is there another person i can fall in love with? I highly doubt it

I feel dead inside, nothing matters, nothing ever will again

Ive been depressed for 2 weeks now, and been thinking of ways to end my life

I have no friends to talk to about this

I tried talking to one friend and he told me i should just suck it up and get it together

No one knows how much this is hurting me

I let down all my barriers for that guy and now i feel betrayed

The world carries on....

5 Things

Things i am Grateful for

• Being Alive
• Health
• My Family
• Comics
• My Boyfriend 

I'm gonna try and list 5 things im grateful for every time i sign on here 

 

Manniversary

My 5 year "manniversary" was quickly upon me , I called him on Friday, the day would have been the Sunday  I asked him , what's  the big plans for the weekend, he then proceeded to rattle on a list of tasks he had to accomplish, the usual...Gym, some work, cook, grocery shopping , hang out with some co workers...i asked anything else, he quickly added spend some time with you of course. He forgot.

I hung up the phone, utterly bewildered . How to feel...angry? Sad? indifferent? clearly this occasion didn't mean anything to him. I decided to call him back and just say it. I did , he stated of course he remembered , a tall lie of course. What would you like to do? 

What would I like to do? I couldn't help but scoff , I've been reminding him of this since December, and asking to make solid plans. Nothing ever came of it.

So what did I do on that day? He took me for a haircut, then we went to the grocery, and the mall. The end.

Basically errands. I decided and I told him , no more celebrations of anniversaries.

I always get disappointed 

Happy Monday

Happy Monday Morning to you! How was the weekend? Mines was spent un-decorating :( Christmas is over, makes me sad. Its remarkable, putting up those decorations took me over a week, taking them down took me 2 hours....lol... i guess ripping them down, filling them up in bags and boxes is the difference.

Today marks the beginning of my movement towards shedding some lbs, my goal this month 5lbs. Im not flying off the handle and aiming for like 25lbs, i just want a simple 5 to start with and work my way down from that, and good news i found a friend whos willing to join me. He also wants to get fit this year, as we all do. So now that i have some sort of support system the chances of being successful just went up :D

This month is also a significant one, it marks 5 years since ive been with my up/down on/off bf...yes an entire 5 years has elapsed. Does he remember, im not sure, am i going to remind him....hells no... let just wait and see what happens.

In other news ive been bombarded with requests to go out on dates all of a sudden. I feel as if someone is trying to playing some sort of elaborate trick on me...snaps my boss just arrived got to rack it up. yes im blogging from work....its seems bad habits are hard to break.

TTYL

Forgiveness

A friend who deleted me from the almighty Facebook almost a year ago sent me a message yesterday. I wasn't entirely surprised since he had deleted me before and then begged me to accept his friend request which i did and then he deleted me again. My reaction at the time was " such is life you win some you lose some"

Yesterday's message was one asking for forgiveness, from me. Basically the footnotes are he was jealous of me and my attitude towards life, he was jealous of the fact i had a bf, he was jealous  i seemed to always be happy no matter what i was going through and he couldn't stand it. Of course i was shocked by this revelation , i felt a bit proud , I mean i have never had anyone be jealous of me before, well at least not to my knowledge. At the end of his letter he asked for my forgiveness, for his thoughts and actions towards me.

I stopped for a minute and thought about it. Thought about the courage it must have taken him to admit these things to me, to swallow pride and seek the forgiveness of someone else.  I did forgive him. He then sent me a friend request which i accepted, we chatted online for a bit and i had a greater understanding of him.

He was depressed , utterly depressed about everything occurring in his life, and that was his way of just lashing out at everyone and everything. Hes says hes in a better place now, and much more comfortable in his own skin and circumstances. I'm happy hes running up that hill , instead of sinking slowly into the pit of nothing.

I was like him once, heck i get like him sometimes. But there is always that little voice inside my head that pulls me out of it. I don't like being depressed, i always feel as if im wasting time sulking around crying and staring at the walls, when i could be doing something i love, like cooking or better yet eating.

Of course when you accept a friend request , it shows up in other people news feed. I was bombarded with questions as to why i add him back, since the end result is hes going to delete me again. My simple answer was its a new year and everyone deserves a second chance.

Its a New Year

Happy 2013 to you and yours. Its a new year and the aim of this year , well one of the aims....Blog at least once a week....i was about to type day ,but lord knows aint nobody got time for that.

So here i am , a typical guy in Trinidad, well except for the fact that i am attracted to other guys. Most of the times im  pretty normal on the verge of being boring, but this year i intend to change that... exactly how..Im not sure yet, but bet your bottom im working on it.

Shall i update on what went on in 2012...lets see ... I gained weight, which is always a horrible thing in the gay lifestyle its like we are expected to be toned and buff else they wont let us in the clubs and other gay guys wont be your friend., its a sad but true fact, if you are skinny and good looking you automatically attract more gay friends, putting aside the fact that all they wanna do is bed you, you still get more attention than if you were overweight. I intend to lose the lbs i put on , not cause im looking to attract more friends but for the simple fact that my entire wardrobe of clothes fits a little too snug, and i am TOO POOR to go out there and buy more clothes.

Im not going on any kinda extreme diet, im just going to move around more, whether it be rolling around from one place to another, hopping with the kids, walking briskly away from bad fashion, cause im not at the point where i can run...Im just going to  increase the amount of activity i do. O and im going to eat less......snacks ...let see where this goes from there. FYI my starting weight is 175LBs.

There everyone is up to date. Let 2013 begins *pulls race gun*

Disappointment

I find myself more and more accepting that Love doesnt exist for me, and by love i mean romantic love...not family love cause i get lots of that home. But im lonely....so very lonely...everyone i encounter is so shallow...so to the point...wanna hook up? How big is your cock? Top or bottom? ....where are the long term relationship seeking gays in Trinidad?!! Am i the only who wants to be romanced, to be romantic...to work towards a life together instead of a slam bam or worse the I love you but im still going to get married to a chick and have kids cause that is what is expected of me....we can still be friends after aka fuckbuddies....I hate this world and i really hate being gay....I thought i was okay with it but time is floating away and ill end up old and fucking alone cause all these pricks out here are too coward to love ...