The Blue Wolf

Good Idea , Bad Idea

2011-04-13T05:31:00.000-07:00

Good Idea: Jumping Rope to keep fit

Bad Idea: Jumping rope to keep fit while singing "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard" and grabbing your chest ...Neighbors stare from their backyard

Dear Reckless Drivers

2011-04-12T07:11:00.000-07:00

Hello Reckless Drivers of Trinidad,

You guys and gals are really assholes, swerving in and out of lanes, speeding through red lights, switching lanes without indicators, randomly stopping ...I can go on and on. Have you ever stopped to wonder what about the other cautious drivers on the road ( like me) ?

The sad thing is ,when you cross the median and crash into a family coming home from a beach lime killing everyone in that vehicle while you and your passenger escape with minor injuries no one gets charged.

So a big fuck you- to you, be more considerate...you are not going to be late twice, and I'm sure the place you are going to isn't running away . Luckily I believe in Karma so i know you will get yours

Thank you, have a great day and remember always buckle up.

Grateful that god didn't endow me with mutant powers to blow up cars,

The Blue Wolf

The Memories

2011-04-12T05:51:00.000-07:00

The memories that are intertwined with songs sometimes comes to bite me in the butt , and not in a good way. This morning i put my ipod on shuffle and proceeded to eat my breakfasses.Then this song came up:

Anna Nalick: Forever Love (digame)

On the ground
With my world
Upside down
I got a vision of your face
And I must get me out
For so many memories we've yet to make
God don't send to me your angels
I just wanna hear you say again

Forever love
Say you'll love
Digame, Digame
Tell me so
I can hold you in my soul
If I go
I'll know

When you smile
With those eyes
Baby it's like
You place a finger on my heart
And your lips next to mine
Makes me think that maybe heavens where you are
God don't send to me your angels
I just wanna hear you say again

Forever love
Say you'll love
Digame, Digame
Tell me so
I can hold you in my soul
And if I go
I'll know

La la la la...

Forever love
Say you'll love
Digame, Digame
Tell me so
I can hold you in my soul
And If I go
I'll know
Forever love
Say you'll love
Digame, Digame
Tell me so
I can hold you in my soul
And if I go
I'll know

It was our song (my Ex and I) Holds good memories and bad ones.

Maybe in my next post i'll talk about him :(

The Universe Answers!!

2011-04-08T10:07:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here typing how horny i am when i get a BBM message from my BF telling me, I'm all his later :)...This was followed by some really raunchy talk that i had to end cause believe me i would have creamed my work pants.

We have been together for awhile now but he still knows how to turn up the fire , and well he gets hard every time he sits next to me...so i guess i'm still working his "On switch "...maybe it my pheromones :/

Whatever the reason is when we get together its fireworks :)

BTW did this blog just move from "PG-13" to "XXX" with my last post lol

O Dammmm

2011-04-08T09:59:00.000-07:00

Cause im Horny , these are supposedly Reichen Lehmkuhl ...yum!!

TMI?

2011-04-08T09:52:00.000-07:00

I haven't had sex for a week, i think i am going to flip out. My Bf and i usually get it on everyday :p but for the past week he's been working late and the 5 mins we get to hang out together , we are both just too tired --i've been putting in a couple extra hours myself.

I seriously cannot function, everything reminds me of sex, it's like im sporting a boner since morning. I'm literally stuck behind my desk cause if i stand up ....boing!! its all up in ppl space...lol..

I'm hoping as its Friday I'll be able to get some later. in the meantime, I'm trying not to touch myself or think about sex.

Dear Co-Worker

2011-04-07T06:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Co Worker,

Yesterday i gave you an envelope to take to the post office, "get me the cost to ship to the UK via express mail please" You did , came back, told me its $130.00. Kool. This morning i give you $200.00, the same said envelope and told you to send this off. You go to the post office and mail it out via Normal Mail which costs $50.00.....Do i need to write, spell,and read for you people???!!!

Thank you for fucking up the customer's order. You are older than I, you've regularly boasted about the 18 places you've worked before in your lifetime and yet the words- common and sense- doesn't come together in your vocabulary. I am not your superior nor you mines, yet in the play "life at work" you act like everyone's boss.

Whats done is done and I'm pretty pissed, its a miracle i didn't explode into a huge pile of glitter when you handed me back $150.00 and said i gave you too much. Ha ha ha ha..fuck you...

Always respectful at work

The Blue Wolf

175

2011-04-06T06:12:00.000-07:00

After much searching yesterday afternoon, I found the movie - Paragraph 175- I can truthfully say that this documentary touched me. The horror these men suffered is unimaginable , during the course of the interviews I kept placing myself in the same situation...What would i have done?...Would by a combination of bravery, a strong will and luck would i have survived, would i have been able to go on living after seeing my BF being eaten alive by dogs? Would the images, smells, sounds drive me quietly insane?

I am truly grateful for the era in which i live...compared to back then this hide and seek i play is pretty much paradise . And unbelievably up to this day Homosexuals that survived the Holocaust are still not recognized by the German Gov't. :(

The Spirit of these brave men and woman at the end of the film is what really tugged at my heart strings. I'm happy i discovered this movie....

Thank you Letters

2011-04-05T07:45:00.000-07:00

So to flip the coin to my angry letters, I'm going to start writing positive thank you letters...so i may remember the people who are kind to me. Of course i will let them know to their faces -if i can, how much i am grateful for their action, words, deeds etc, this is just a way to remember the story behind it. :)

Paragraph 175

2011-04-05T07:40:00.000-07:00

Paragraph 175
I want to see this movie and will spend the greater part of this week trying to locate online. Why? Cause i want to appreciate the era i live in, I want to know what it was like, i want to appreciate where the gay community has reached and i want to look forward to the future.

Rape Dream

2011-04-04T12:32:00.000-07:00

Last night i witnessed a scene in my head, i was floating above it in a dimly lit room, the only light coming from a single yellow light bulb shining down on my seemingly unconscious body.Around me huge muscular men were taking their turns doing me, their faces hidden in the dark. I was scared and repulsed...was i dead?

The scene shifts , I'm now sitting in the living room, my dad clearly angry he pops a DVD into the player , on the TV the previous scene comes up. I thought he would kill me instead , he vowed to find the people so that they wouldn't do it to anyone else

The scene shifts once again, I'm walking towards my room upon entering i notice the same men sitting on my bed, they hold me down, i scream out...i yell at them that the police are on their way. The biggest guy drags me by the collar he sniffs at my neck like an animal, he whispers that I'll have to get them all out of here or else he will kill my entire family. I quickly agree. I'm scared. He pushes me out my room and has one of his pals follow me.

I walk outside, enemy behind , there's a party going on, my friends are there, my family, i lead him through rows and rows of chairs, i see my cousin ...i make small talk with him- my eyes pleading -when i realize he's not taking the hint, i ask him if he's looking for this broom handle ( one is leaning on the wall) he looks at me puzzled, i quickly whisper that the guy behind me is trying to kill me. He snaps the broom handle in 2 and shoves the sharp part into the guys stomach, blood flows everywhere , the guy slumps down. My brother and sisters approach asking whats the matter, i fill them in. They told me go back to my room and bring out another.

I do as i am told, this time the biggest guy sends out 2 people with me. I walk quickly ahead then I spin around, pushing one of the guys into my brother who easily snaps his neck, in the mean time my sisters were gouging out the eyes of the other guy, who was screaming relentlessly, until my brother also breaks his neck

We all walk back to my room, my cousin kicks in the door, the biggest guy and another guy are sitting on the bed waiting for me, the smaller guy attacks my sister, everyone jumps on him, my eyes catches the boss- he laughs , my brother jumps on him, the guy is huge , he punches my brother in the face, my brother bites off his ear...entirely...then i hear drums...my brother is no longer there ...instead i see one of my Hindu gods...Kali Ma...she rips off the guys head...the scene shifts...I'm in a field...before me Kali Ma is dancing the guys head clasped in her hand, his spine swinging freely about...I awake with a startle...Scared and Happy at the same time.

In this dream I'm literally saved by my family, and in the end god...It pretty much sums up my life.

Read before Entering

2011-04-01T09:30:00.001-07:00

I added a warning to my Blog cause some of its content maybe inappropriate for young readers and perhaps i may want to post a pic of a sexy guy now and then :P

Creatures

2011-03-29T05:19:00.000-07:00

The Witch-king of Angmar is one of my favorite characters in LOTR, why? Simply because he is so evil and powerful. I'm drawn to the dark side, i often find myself rooting for the bad guys wondering what the out come would be if they did prevail. He scares me also, that Nazgul hes perched upon haunted my dreams once or twice, its just so freaking awesome/ ferocious.

I often imagine people i don't care for as creatures, my CEO is an Ogre. You may be thinking gosh this dude really holds a lot of dislike for people....its true..i don't like a lot of people. For whatever reason my like for the human race on the whole is minimal. You may label me anti social, pompous, quiet, unable to start/hold a conversation , but if your "vibes" isn't pleasing to me I wouldn't make an effort to even try to fake like you :/

Maybe i should try and change this trait about me. Be more social instead of socially awkward.On the flip side if i do like you, I'm your best buddy :P

I have a confession to post in my next blogging moment :/

Dear Manager

2011-03-28T06:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Manager,

I do not like you, in fact i may be very close to shouting I HATE YOU. You came into this company 2 years after i started, taking up the managers position because your dad who is the CEO was "retiring" from one company to take up a position in another. You had no managerial experience, your last job was a some sort of administrative position in BP. Now don't get me wrong cause I believe that everyone should be given a chance, its been 3 years since and nothing has changed.

You're idea of managing is strutting in 2 times per week, with your horrid fashion sense from 10-2 barking orders at staff, grumbling like an active volcano at reports you have to submit to our UK office, while shouting Bullocks all the time...I mean seriously you are a Trini :/ and being very angry for no apparent reason. This has de motivated staff , some are very scared of you, while some of us wants to push your flat ass down the stairs. Maybe this was your goal, but being scared doesn't equal respect. I have no respect for you what so ever because you are bitter, childish, never heard of hair product, or earrings and lack any sort of professionalism when it comes to one your most valuable resource - Your Staff

i don't know if you have problems at home or what, but that is no excuse to come in here with that dutty attitude and jeans. I remember our last Xmas dinner when i brought my sexily clad friend to accompany me , you blatantly asked me in front of everyone " Is this your sister , so glad she can join us" to which my friend said " umm no I'm his GF and planted a kiss on me" it was good to see the look on your face, and even better to see your husband literally drooling over my gal pal. You sat right next to me and i didn't say a single word to you. I loved it.

I hate the way you dress, I hate the way you talk down to people and i absolutely hate your attitude towards me. I hate that you pass off your work to me and then take all the credit. I hate that you get jealous when our UK superiors praise me for a job well done and my dapper wardrobe. I hate that your father also exhibits this behavior, but guess what I work fucking hard for this company and I deserve it.

I hope that in time you realize that your attitude stinks, and your "I'm better than everyone" tone of voice will give you many enemies . I hope that karma comes back and bites you in the ass in a big way.

In conclusion I'd like to say a big "FUCK YOU!!" I love my job , I get along with my co workers and we all HATE the living daylights out of you. I'm happy you only come in Twice a week cause all 5 days will drive me insane.

Respectfully hoping that you jump off a cliff

The Blue Wolf

*End of Rant*

So many things

2011-03-28T06:13:00.000-07:00

I have so many things i wanna write, so many thoughts to get out of my head but time seems never to permit me to sit and express myself . I wanna start something new called "Angry letters from a Blue Wolf"

Its suppose to be therapeutic to express one's anger, and believe me i have a lot to go around. maybe this will help, maybe it wont but I'm sort of looking forward to writing angry letters instead of mumbling under my breath and clenching my fists.

This may be fun

Japan

2011-03-28T06:08:00.000-07:00

My heart goes out to Japan, it seems like they are raking in bad karma or something, its one disaster after the other . I can't begin to imagine how i would cope with something like that, or worse to have survived while most of my family members didn't :(. The Japanese people though are very calm and orderly which i admire so much. My thoughts, good wishes and prayers are with you, may you as a country recover and as a people progress past this disaster and look towards a brighter day.

Be A Good Person , Be a good person

2011-03-25T06:21:00.000-07:00

Something weird is happening to me right now, not physically but events-wise...okay let me get down to the meat of it ...suddenly everyone wants to have sex with me...:/ No lie! As you may have gathered from this blog, when i look at myself in the mirror I see something that Animal Planet should have a documentary on....but i've been getting weird offers from "friends" to well basically meet for a suck and fuck...all these people know im involved...there's that no respect for relationships thing again.

I'm no saint, but i will seriously be filled with guilt if i do take up any one of these offers, although a small part of me wants to but i must be strong and not give into temptation.

What was my point? *head slap* i always seem to lose the point of my posts...o yea..feels awesome to be wanted like this, but did i just wake in an alternative timeline where morals have all disappeared along with STDs? Why is lust so difficult to control? I myself have struggled with controlling this wild horse called lust, and yes a couple times it got the better of me, but I'm trying sooo hard to be a good person.

P!nk - F**kin' Perfect Made me cry and feel wonderful at the same time

2011-03-24T18:13:00.000-07:00

School is Scary

2011-03-24T06:12:00.000-07:00

I am very awkward socially, i don't speak unless spoken to, i don't ever make eye contact with anyone and the only words i ever speak during class is " Good Morning" when i enter the room. Sheeessshh you would think at this age i would be a little more of a social butterfly...scratch that....a social caterpillar? but alas I'm still a clam in its shell. We were split up into groups , well everyone except me ..I was alone... I was my own group...very embarrassing...not that i made any sort of effort to be in a group, i just sat there like dead carcass.

Eventually the teacher gave me a handout, which led me to believe I'm a group LOL. I did group work by myself and submitted -myself- now I'm sure everyone in that class has labelled me as anti social.Which is partially true, but still I'd like to make a couple friends. Maybe as time progresses...maybe..

BTW..studying not going so well, nothing seems to stick and everything is distracting me. I need to pass this to prove to myself that i can be better, better than what people perceive me to be ( story coming soon) That's all for now and yes I'm on my laptop...see I'm blogging more :P

Been so long

2011-03-03T04:39:00.000-08:00

School has started , yup I'm back at school after a 2 year break *proud face* Its difficult, I can't seem to get back into the groove of studying, I guess with time, patience and perseverance , it will come. I just wanted to come here so people will know I'm alive. My bf bought me a laptop so maybe ill blog more, since I'm now "mobile" ...we will see ...

Heartache

2011-01-10T10:27:00.000-08:00

The heart yearns...if i had for a single moment doubted that I loved my bf , i will have to stand corrected. We had a disagreement yesterday, he said some stuff and I said some stuff. From lunch time then ( yesterday) till now we have not spoken to each other . I miss him.I can't stop thinking about him. It feels like its been over a year since i last saw him. I called but no answer :( I dunno how I'll make it through the night, all this plus I'm so hungry cause i left my lunch home- double :( -- I hope he calls soon.

Wondering Wolf

2011-01-04T10:54:00.000-08:00

I often wonder if i were straight would be married by now? I'm 27, all my kin younger and older are married...they stare at me when the topic of marriage comes along, my mother rants she wants more grand kids and then looks at me , I simply walk away.

Yesterday on my bed with the BF I wondered if i could marry him would I?....Would I have gotten engaged to my ex? Would my ex and I still be together.....sigh so many unanswered questions , at the end of it all , I'm still in hiding and I know i wont have the wedding I always wanted---A big Hindu one---

Happy New Queer

2011-01-01T07:14:00.000-08:00

Happy 2011 to everyone out there may the divine keep you and yours safe, blessed and always happy. Though obstacles may cross you path this year, jump right over them and keep moving on, I'm re opening this blog to help with my emotional baggage :/... Peace and Blessings :)

Ms Universe

2010-08-23T18:19:00.000-07:00

BWDMC wrong with them judges La Toya is a bess darkie and not even in the top 15? Brrrrr? None the less my sister did us proud and we will welcome her home with open arms and smiling faces. Not a single brown skin girl in the top 15, i know that will cause alot of talking in the days to come, I however think if you got the brains and the beauty it doesn't matter the color of your skin. Good luck to the new Ms Universe 2010, as for us here in Trinidad we are super proud, we had not one but 2 of our lovely ladies appear on international Tv tonite. Wendy Fitzwillam and La Toya Woods....I mean which other country can say that eh :)

Apology

2010-08-22T19:15:00.000-07:00

I just want to say in advance that i am in no way close to a writer. So you may find my punctuation, use of words, spelling etc to be off by miles. Its been a while since i sat and actually typed up something. So maybe as the days roll by I'll get better.

Here's hoping for the best :)

Comics

2010-08-22T18:50:00.000-07:00

I have a current addiction to comics, yup I'm a geek :P. I've noticed in the past year that more and more gay characters are popping up in Marvel's superhero slate, am i complaining ? Of course not....but something about having them just crawl out of the woodwork makes me uneasy, maybe Marvel is trying to attract a wider audience, maybe they've finally realized that most of their readers are in fact gay or maybe its just that gays have alot more disposable income ....? Whatever the reason its great, I have something i can personally relate to....o yea the point of this post is to give you warning far in advance that you may find a comic review splattered somewhere across this blog :P

drools

2010-08-22T18:48:00.000-07:00

Dear God

2010-08-22T18:29:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

Sometimes i forget, in the haste of life to thank you for all that you have bestowed upon me- my family, my friends, my job,my health thank you.
I wanna especially thank you for making me as i am. I used to curse you for making me gay, but now you and I both know i have come to accept my sexuality. Thank you for helping walk this path, for lighting my way through darkness (you know that there was alot of darkness)

Although i do not fully understand your plan for me, i am ready to serve in whatever way you see fit. Today i looked at my boyfriend, and every negative thing anyone has ever said about gays just dissipated into mist, cause if you did not love me god, you would not have allowed me to cross paths with such a wonderful human being. You belssed me with him and for that i am thankful.

Thank you.

Pride

2010-08-08T17:43:00.000-07:00

I attended a Pride party last weekend , it was hott...Literally...the air conditioning broke down...lol.. none the less everyone had a blast. It was wonderful being there experiencing the energy. Everything was positive, full of excitement, full of joy.....Full of pride.

It filled me so much happiness that i was able to be myself there among everyone, dance with my bf...dance with friends...just to be free...and then i began to wonder...why do we need these underground parties in order for us to feel comfortable in our own skins, to be free to express friendship and love....its so unfair that we are made to live like this just because we are born gay.

I didn't let this thought hamper my partying, i relished every song, every beat , every touch, every kiss on the cheek like i would never experience being this free again.At the end of it all i had a blast and made loads of friends. There is another party coming up in October I'm thinking of going that one also...I'm sort of excited ..:)

Hello Vast Internet

2010-08-04T18:43:00.000-07:00

How long has it been? I've lost track of time, I'm unsure whether anyone reads my blog but none the less i write for -me -to unleash my emotions upon the pages of this blog. I've got some good news....I'm going to bitch less about the trauma of the past, in these months gone by I've talked to god and in his way he answered me ...and i think I'm finally as healed as i can be.

Of course there is going to be the odd nightmare or flashback I'm expecting it but honestly I'm not going to let it stop me from living my life.I feel so free like the heavy shackles of the past that have enslaved me for so long have finally been broken, and I'm now free to move forward. You all can't believe how light i feel....its so magical :)

I'll try to update as much as possible from now on.

Circles

2010-05-04T08:56:00.000-07:00

Why is it whenever I'm in a depressed mood, all the bad things that happened to me comes flooding back, gushing to the forefront of my brain? Once that happens i keep spiralling down until a small voice in my head snaps me back to reality. I don't like to be depressed, i don't like depressed people....ummm i should rephrase that , depression is a normal part of being human and like myself i expect everyone to fall victim to it ever so often, what i don't like however are people who use their depression as an attention gatherer , you know the whiny ones who can only sing one song " no one likes me, I'm nothing , pay attention to me or I'll die", the ones who do not even make any sort of effort to lift themselves out of it, the ones that ENJOY being depressed. I don't enjoy the company of people like that.

Moving on-- during one of my depressed spates I've noticed that i no longer beat myself up about being gay, i no longer want to cause myself pain cause I'm attracted to guys, i no longer wish i was dead because of it. Its weird that i've reached a point in my life where i am finally comfortable in my own skin, comfortable with my sexuality (but not that comfortable to finally admit it to my family or friends) ...to be continued

Carnival

2010-02-22T07:55:00.000-08:00

Carnival in Trinidad is huge, we dubbed it the greatest show on earth but sadly i'm a Trini thats just not into Carnival. I see it as a readily used excuse for people to get drunk, act more stupid and do things they regret later on in life. I do however rather enjoy the sights ...well defined men stuffed in to colored shorty shorts , bulges very clearly visible , kinda gets me excited lol. I've also noticed that men would grind on other men and pass off the action as intoxication. Can you imagine 2 large as we would say "hard back" men in gold shorty shorts gyrating on each other and the people around them pay no mind cause both of them are clearly intoxicated. No one thinks that's so gay, everyone is just enjoying themselves. When will that be a regular train of thought in Trinidad? Besides the men, the only other great thing about Carnival are the huge costumes, i genuinely love the colors ( and not for the obvious reason) it just makes me wonder how much time , effort and thought it must have taken to construct such a spectacle. Everyone had such a good time especially the foreigners, the whole vibes is a positive one and everyone is moving in unity...i guess it really is the greatest show on earth, the hott guys are just a plus+++ :P

I'm there

2010-02-08T08:24:00.000-08:00

I'm proud to be gay *gasp* i never in my entire life thought i would have reached a point where i would be proud to be gay, but here i am smiling ear to ear cause i just admitted to one of my str8 guy friend i'm well... as i put it "on guys" cause I've been getting pressured about Valentines day and a double date dinner, can u imgine his reaction if i showed up with my bf ....lol.. so i just told him, his reaction " thats nothing to be ashamed about" its 2010 ppl are alot more accepting ....maybe so? I dunno alot of ppl are still in the dark ages on my side of the world but i'm glad he knows and is ok with it....i feel like throwing a parade .....

Dire Straits - Money For Nothing lyrics

2010-02-03T05:04:00.000-08:00

Title: Dire Straits - Money For Nothing lyrics

Now look at them yo-yo's that's the way you do it
You play the guitar on the MTV
That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Money for nothin' and chicks for free
Now that ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Lemme tell ya them guys ain't dumb
Maybe get a blister on your little finger
Maybe get a blister on your thumb

We gotta install microwave ovens
Custom kitchen deliveries
We gotta move these refrigerators
We gotta move these colour TV's

See the little faggot with the earring and the makeup
Yeah buddy that's his own hair
That little faggot got his own jet airplane
That little faggot he's a millionaire

We gotta install microwave ovesns
Custom kitchens deliveries
We gotta move these refrigerators
We gotta move these colour TV's

I shoulda learned to play the guitar
I shoulda learned to play them drums
Look at that mama, she got it stickin' in the camera
Man we could have some fun
And he's up there, what's that? Hawaiian noises?
Bangin' on the bongoes like a chimpanzee
That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Get your money for nothin' get your chicks for free

We gotta install microwave ovens
Custom kitchen deliveries
We gotta move these refrigerators
We gotta move these colour TV's, Lord

Now that ain't workin' that's the way you do it
You play the guitar on the MTV
That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Money for nothin' and your chicks for free
Money for nothin' and chicks for free

I maybe late in the game, as this song is basically ancient but this morning while listening to the radio the word "Faggot" jumped out at me..mind you I've heard this song like a million times before and never noticed the lyrics...I'm offended that on the radio airwaves they blank out the words ---God, damn, bitch, gun, whore---- in songs but let the word Faggot play loud and proud, what was i expecting, i am in Trinidad after all..... I hate this song now, its exactly what a straight guy would say when he see's another guy who dresses well and has it going on...he's a buller (faggot)....grrrrrr....95.1 you disappoint me...I turned off the radio...hello ipod..:)

Inside my Room

2010-02-02T08:14:00.000-08:00

When i'm alone with him, in my bed lying next to each other face to face our noses barely touching , breath being exchanged from his lungs to mines , mines to his, our fingers intertwined, being lost in his eyes, the sweet words we share, the dreams we confess, our voices barely above a whisper ....the perfect kisses, the short ones, the long ones, the cheek ones, the hand ones, the forehead ones....i close my eyes and think ----i have the perfect life inside my room.

Brandi Carlile

2010-01-20T04:06:00.000-08:00

I am currently obsessed with this album, her voice is so , how shall i put it...its like cold raindrops hitting your skin every note makes me tingle all over. I especially love the song "Shadow on the wall", when the whole drama with my bf occurred, somehow i found comfort in the lyrics.

Brandi Carlile - Shadow On The Wall

Gone
It's hard for me to see when I'm wrong
It's hard for me to weep when I'm strong
But I could never sleep when you're gone
Oh but still
If you were gonna crucify me
I wouldn't want nobody to see
'Cause you could kick me hard when I'm down
Down, down, down

I don't want wanna be
Nobody's fool
I've played that part so many times before
How I long to be
A shadow on the wall
I will make no sound at all
And when the sun goes down
The shadow on the wall
It cannot be seen at all
At all

Over it
Hey it's not that you would mess with my head
I believe that you believe what you said
You think you know me best and you care

But that's not fair!
'Cause I don't really want to be safe
It must have been the way I was raised
Sleep with one eye open I say
Hey hey hey

I don't wanna be
Nobody's fool
I've played that part so many times before
How I long to be
A shadow on the wall
I will make no sound at all
And when the sun goes down
The shadow on the wall
It cannot be seen at all
At all

Oh
How I long to be
A shadow on the wall
I would make no sound at all
At all

I love every song in the album but this one just stands out. I shouldn't dwell on the past but i feel soon i will have to revisit some stuff and open the Blue wolf chronicles once again, i feel a heavy weight on my chest...

Peel away the skin....

2010-01-18T04:47:00.000-08:00

Gay life in Trinidad ( my experiences) is very shallow, no one seems to want anything meaningful ...once you cross 25 you are labeled as old and outdated...I'm over 25 but i look like 19...i lie about my age constantly, I'm not ashamed to say that...why do i lie you ask...cause when i blurt out the truth everyone thinks I'm lying and its a battle to prove that i'm not which is usually only resloved by me whipping out my ID card..so when someone asks me :hey how old are you? my reply is : "how old do i look?" any number they call i agree ...19,20,21,22..it doesn't matter no one ever goes above 22..hmmm....where was i going with this? O yea Gays (not all) in Trinidad are way too shallow, only about the hot bodies, and abnormally perfect hair....reminds me of a line from a song by Jewel "every body is a nice body but their souls are like shadows hollow inside" I'm all for the up keep of one self, but i would much rather have an average looking guy with a gentle touch and a caring heart, than a total hottie who has nothing else to offer....too many judgments are cast upon people based solely on looks...This weekend a guy on my msn, a friend of mine.. told me i could do so much better than my current BF, that he is too average...that i need someone as hott as his BF, i just laughed it casually off and changed the subject, i was 2 seconds away from telling him he complains about his Hott Bf more than anything else, but i bit my tongue...i'm trying to be a different person...(not a bitch)

Haiti

2010-01-15T10:10:00.000-08:00

My heart goes out to the population of Haiti, but i am angry that Trinidad and Tobago is so slow to react...I keep hearing its the wrath of god...what BS is this? People are out there suffering, take you heads out of your asses, where is the compassion? People are people regardless whether you think they all worship the devil ( which btw i think is a huge pile of crap) ....imagine all the children that died, young lives snuffed out ...my eyes are filled with water....Thankfully organizations are getting mobile and somethings are being done ...May god see them through this horrible time.

What a Friday....

2010-01-15T09:54:00.000-08:00

Friday usually meets me in high spirits, but today something seems amiss...like someone sucked the Friday vibes right out of me, maybe its the fact that i have nothing planned for later except to probably go home and do my laundry...How lame am i? *sigh* and in case you are wondering i forgave my bf for cheating ...does that make me a weak person? I hope not...my logic is that everyone's human and destined to make mistakes, i keep breathing that into my head, i'm over the crying...looking at the road to recovery...sadly a tiny voice within me keeps humming once your trust is broken it can never be repaired....only time would tell how this goes...this post is kinda broken....feeling dark today....think I'll have some ice cream when i go home....something sweet always cheers me up :)

Gaga for GaGa

2010-01-14T08:35:00.000-08:00

I love lady GaGa soo much, i get an orgasm everytime i hear her songs.... Every gay person i know loves her music, her style, her in your face attitude...she's the Cher of my generation :)...

Happy New year

2010-01-13T08:50:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!! Been so long since i put "pen to paper" here, i was thinking of deleting it, but I've poured out too much of my soul here to erase it all. Life had become a mish mash of different events and circumstances...good ones, bad ones, ones that make me feel unworthy , one that made me feel on top of the world....but i guess that's life, take the good, deal with the bad and love everything. Lets hope this year is an awesome one for everyone of us, may we be safe....

Respect

2009-10-19T18:34:00.000-07:00

People have no respect for boundaries anymore. Where the hell are their morals ? Personally if i know someone is in a relationship, i would definitely steer clear of any sort of romantic situation with said person. Why is it in Trinidad that doesn't mean crap to anyone of the guys, its like "you're in a relationship?" So what ? What your boyfriend doesn't know wont hurt him....well guess what i am so freaking hurt right now that I'm crying uncontrollably...I wish people respected me more...especially my boyfriend...or should i say Ex- boyfriend.... More on this story later....

Decisions about this blog

2009-10-19T09:23:00.000-07:00

I missed blogging here, i miss being truthful about myself. Here i am free to talk about everything, to reveal the true me ...the gay me. I'm going to set aside time everyday to jut down my thoughts ...even if its just a couple lines. Here's is to a new beginning. :)

Kathy Ann the final Chapter...

2009-09-28T09:19:00.000-07:00

After Kathy Ann had her surgery done we somewhat crossed each others path at the Food Court in Grand Bazaar. I remember sitting with my BF looking outside when i noticed her BF jumping out of a car followed by her, she looked as if she was in terrible pain..I immediately told my bf : Hey look KA to which he replied I'll watch your food while you go say hello...I was almost out of my seat when i realized that KA was making a quick bee line to the washroom, i sat back down...when she comes out i said....I proceeded to dig into my o so delicious sandwich ...I kept looking out for her but missed when she passed by... by the time i did notice her again she and her Bf were outside hopping into their car. Genuinely disappointed I made a mental note to call her later.

I got home signed on to MSN and was berated with IM's from KA asking why i didn't say hello, if i was ashamed of her, why i moving so dotish, she now knows what kinda friend i am and so fort..all before i could even say hello. When i did get to finally explain myself she didn't believe, so i asked her why she didn't come and say hello...no answer....I said goodnight , she left in a huff

Couple nights after we once again found ourselves on MSN, she started the conversation....saying she was sorry for everything ...that she knows our friendship will never be the same again and i agreed. She tried to explain herself.. when she found out i was gay, she tried to be okay with it so she lied and said she was okay. She still thinks its a choice, but wants me to help her better understand what being gay is about and how we people live. I felt like an object, a dirty object that needed to explain its usefulness to its owner before the owner made the decision whether or not to throw it out. I told her i would try my best to help her understand that gay people are normal people. She then decided to throw in the religion card, asking if i believed in God, what religion i follow, if i fear god....it was just her once again bullying me in a sense. After that it didn't matter to me whether or not KA wanted to be my friend or not, cause i made the decision that she is no friend of mines. I DO NOT ever want to feel the way she made me feel that day ever again....i cried

Sometime last week she sent a very angry IM to me, saying she can take a hint- good luck in my life Goodbye. I admit when i go online i do not automatically go saying hello to everyone on my list, I'm mostly there to talk to my BF she took it personally of course ...I dunno I'm just fed up. No longer will i allow people to bring me down..I'm finally taking a stand to be happy , for myself.

The List

2009-09-27T18:36:00.000-07:00

Today i sat down to make my Christmas list...i like to be early in order to thoroughly enjoy the warm Xmas feeling. With the Christmas styling of Celine Dion playing in the background, i sat on my bed pen in hand and a tall cup of juice at my side....Ever since i started working i made "The list" it consisted of people who were to receive gifts ( however meager they might be) the ones receiving cards only and those who were to receive something edible. I always tried to stick with it, including everyone that meant something to me, this year it's going to be no different however after jutting down the names of my family members I wrote down the headline "Friends" after about 5mins I couldn't think of a single name to put there...I have no friends...it was such a weird realization.Usually Kathy Ann and I would exchange gifts but this year its not going to happen ( that story later) . I did however write down people i would email cards to, but i have no one outside my family besides my BF who i would be exchanging gifts with. No matter how many people I have in my life they are all associates... online people I have no other contact with besides MSN and Facebook. Virtually I have many associates but the reality of the situation is Kathy Ann was my only friend and now she's gone and I'm alone.....

Good Idea, Bad Idea

2009-09-22T18:48:00.000-07:00

Good Idea: Buying yourself a cool pair of jeans as a reward for a months hard work

Bad Idea: Stuffing yourself into some really cool dark denim jeans wondering why on earth are the bottom of the pant leg so tight, only to be told by the clerk those are ladies pencil jeans..i wish they would label the racks they hang these stuff on....

Lets take a step into the time machine...

2009-09-22T18:44:00.001-07:00

I have been somewhat busy these days, with work..its beginning to take a toll on me, i am much more tired than usual, and irritable. This is what happens when work rules your life. Its not always like this just for this big project i am heading, after this it should be back to my normal quiet duties.Here goes, a small glimpse into my forms 2&3

By the end of form one i had made many enemies, and some friends, enemies because i was the prefect that liked to abide by the rules, it mattered none to me, because , i refused to let anyone threaten me into submission, I was always commended as a great student from all of my teaches, all except on my arch nemesis of a math teacher.More on her later. My friends although little, were loyal, Vijesh being at the top of the list, an awesome guy, he was like my best friend, if i ever gave anyone that title. I Wasn't allowed to run for prefect again in from 2 , a guy by the name of Daryl took over, my friend circle grew, while unfortunately his shrunk, Matthew continued to be thorn in my side, he had gathered much older forces, his cousins had entered form 4. I was picked on at lunch time, so i avoided going outside, i would usually sit inside the class room, and stick my head into my bag, praying for the day to pass. On more than one occasion i was accosted at the school gate, I ran , they were much bigger than me, and had the advantage of home turf. I didnt know why Matthew disliked me, it never occurred to me that he may have been jealous of my friendship with Rianna, his supposed love of his life.

Vijesh and my friendship grew, we were inseparable,. By form three i was reelected prefect for some reason or the other beyond my comprehension, but there i was again, supposed to take charge of the class when the teacher wasn't there, a class of hormone raging adolescents, myself included, this time i adopted the "do what allyuh want once allyuh dont make noise" attitude. It worked , i was praised constantly by my peers for allowing them do as they please. Of course my enemies grew , and I realized that i had no true friends. Rianna, one of truly great friends started to hang out with the wrong crowd, and making fun of me. As i probably mention i was not good looking, in fact i was downright ugly, ( well so i was told, and believed I never had a gf, and the one girl i confessed liking for, took my love letter and showed the whole class, that damaged me in ways inconceivable, i spiraled into depression, by the second term i gave up being prefect, vijesh stopped hanging out with me, because he was being made fun of by the other guys, in fact they were asking him if we were a couple, so i guess to shield himself, he sort of dumped me, i was alone, and back to sticking my head into my bag at lunch time, that's basically how i spent the rest of form 3, a sad excuse for a human, depressed, angry..misunderstood.

I hung out with no one, i was alone most of the time in school, i would always be in the library just reading, because i knew it was a place where talking was not allowed. Sometimes when i got back to class, my bag would be missing, or my chair...i really didnt care anymore. It was the cool thing to pick on me, the shy guy, the emo dude. I faked sick so many times to avoid school, but my parents would never catch on. My grades starting failing, luckily at the end of form 3 i wanted so bad to become a doctor that i hit the books really hard to get into sciences and i did. Much to everyone's surprise including some of my teachers. I was never a trouble maker in school , not after my first incident so no matter how many times i was pushed to the edge i never snapped, i just kept quiet. i was the butt of many jokes . But i guess like all kids we had issues to over come in that awkward stage of life, i just thought that maybe i had it a little harder than others. Looking back today, i have no idea why they picked me as perfect, or why i was given a leadership award in from 2, or form 3....it baffles me to think what the teachers seek out to give an award, i was awkward, quiet...but i guess i always obeyed the rules...

At the end of form 3 we all grew little more mature, it wasn't all that bad..i had my small group of friends we shared many good times. Hanging out in the library, passing notes in class, avoiding the "cool kids" ...but my heart ached when everyone had someone and i had no one....

Hibernation

2009-09-19T20:34:00.000-07:00

Of course wolves don't hibernate, but being a Blue wolf sometimes has it perks...I've been down and out... things occurred...stuff blew up ( not literally though) and i ran into the forest like any good wolf would do, now that the coast is clear .. i smell no danger, I'm back up and writing.

I've been giving some serious thinking as to what direction my blog should take, i don't want it to be entirely about my bad experiences and memories, believe me i have alot...writing about it makes me feel better , seeing it down on paper like that really- in some weird way gives me closure. It may not make sense but at the end of the day when i get my thoughts out I feel better , as if i can move forward.

What direction do i point then? I guess this will become my life blog the good, the bad and the furry. Just be warned I'm not very eloquent with my words so be prepared for novice blogging.

Meh

2009-08-03T08:54:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling depressed, alot of crap has been occurring in my life...stuff I'm not happy about...family, relationship, myself...i need to write but I'm not getting the time. I'm gonna go crazy if i don't let this all out.

OMG Word

2009-07-30T12:11:00.000-07:00

I dunno how i came across this word: Fagoting

It means: A method of decorating cloth by pulling out horizontal threads and tying the remaining vertical threads into hourglass-shaped bunches.

I thought it meant: Going to a party and acting slutty, hitting on all the guys regardless if they are gay or not .

I can use it in a sentence: Gosh would you stop fagoting all the guys here we will get put out.

I was wrong..

Gays:1 Str8ies: A big fat zero

2009-07-30T11:53:00.000-07:00

Once again the "faggit" discussion came up in the office. Fags- this, bullerman- that, o I'm a str8 guy and all the gays want me....then all of a sudden boom! the kitchen door literally slams open, the mother of the office ( our much older, but extremely hyper administrator) bursts thorough the door. Scene one

Admin: Wah allyuh talking about and laughing like a bunch of skets here?
Guys: Nothing
Admin: So allyuh mad or something?
Guys: Nah we just saying how them bullerman getting brave these days, they all over the place
Admin: And whats the problem with that? Ent they are people too?
Guys: Me aint want that chupidness coming round me
Admin: And who say anyone of them will come around you ( some of the guys burst out in laughter including me )
Guys: Stupes, them going to hell yes
Admin: eh eh eh wah you saying there? Let me tell you something,Gay people is the best kind of people. I had a gay boss and that man was the most beautiful person i ever meet in my life. And yuh see how old i am ( shes 64) That man woulda give he life for you or the last dollar from his pocket, everybody who meet him love him. So don't be disrespecting gay people, its not their fault they are like that. They are people to.
Guys: Yea but doh come around me with that dotishness
Admin: Boy i am telling you no one will come around you, but i have to say eh, some of them really ridiculous with the bacchanal behaviour in POS, but don't kill all for some. They are people too.
Guys: Screwing up their face
Admin: And doh let meh come down here and hear allyuh bad talking meh people again eh ( she then leaves the room)
Guys: Wah really wrong with she eh, they then start to talk about Jack Warner.

She said everything i was too scared to say, and put all them assholes in their place. HAHAHA. Score one * does awkward dance*

How do you slove a problem like KA?

2009-07-30T11:33:00.000-07:00

How do you solve a problem like Kathy-Ann? How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?....sorry the sound of music is running through my head, thanks to my musical obsessed BF. KA and i spoke, online, once again she apologized for her behavior. What was I to say? for the life of Lucy i can't stay angry at anyone. Long story short i forgave her, after much discussion. She revealed that she's under alot of stress at home, her dad's health isn't up to par and he needs a kidney, of which she is going to donate. I was left speechless, no one ever prepared me for a discussion of this nature. I offered my prayers and wished her luck. She invited me to check her in the hospital, when the time arrives. She loves her dad dearly, none of her siblings wants to go under the knife so she volunteered. Very brave of her. Suddenly all my issues with KA disappeared, I saw my friend who was scared and needed my shoulder, i gladly offered it up. Instead of just talking about how scary it would be, i proceeded to ask how prepared she was for post surgery. We made a list, a rather good one if i may do say so myself, alot of the stuff i asked she didn't even remotely consider.I felt proud that i was able to help , I didn't like however that she was making this stress the reason fro her behaviour...but i let it pass, i didn't want to cause a fuss. Things will never be the same between me and KA, i felt like i saw the real her when she hated me being gay...the monster that lurks beneath...but I'm trying to be a forgiving person and under all the bacchanal we are all god's children and all humans ( prone to mistakes) I'll never be 100% comfortable with her anymore, but 80% ain't that bad....

Good Idea-Bad Idea

2009-07-30T06:37:00.000-07:00

Good Idea: Singing away the day's stress

Bad Idea: Signing an operatic version of Britney's "If you seek Amy" while your brother is entertaining guests outside your room.

*sigh* Once again when i walk outside I'm forced to pretend that there is someone else in my room doing the singing and I'm just as shocked as they are.

Props

2009-07-25T20:02:00.000-07:00

Las night i realized that i need to give a big thank you to all the "out" people. The men and women who are in my book very courageous, that go out there and fight for rights. The people who stand up and say enough is enough we are human to.I admire all of them , i can only wish to have so much strength and courage, maybe one day. But Thank You ...thank you for making it safer each day, thank you for the rights you have achieved, thank you for the inspiration, thank you for the courage.

Good Idea, Bad Idea

2009-07-16T11:40:00.000-07:00

Good Idea: Wearing sexy boxer briefs to feel confident at work

Bad Idea: Wearing one size too small sexy boxer briefs to work on casual Friday, stooping down to pick up some papers to be rudely and loudly informed by the much older mother of the office 'wah happen boy yuh crack showing, yuh doh have on no jockey shorts?"

I'll leave with whatever dignity i have left.

What do you do with a fruit...?

2009-07-16T10:57:00.000-07:00

You beat the gay out of him, at least that's what one of the temporary employees said...For some reason, these str8ies love talking about gays.Is it that interesting of a topic to bash men/women or wonder how can a guy take it up there. One person said something that made me smirk "dem faggits and them real brave yuh know, to take it up d ass, that's real pain" to which the other guy replied how u know is real pain. everyone burst out laughing.The other guy , ( i now consider him the smartest of the bunch) replied "them boys and them have pussy that's why they cud take it"....sad.sad.sad. I wish i could beat some sense into them,I honestly hope to god they don't represent a large cross section of the str8ies out there. Maybe i haven't mentioned, but my way of getting back at these homophobic baboons is to be Str8ophobic, yup you heard right. I'm scared of str8ies, i think if they get to close to me I'll get opposite sex penchants, if i sit next to a str8 person it automatically makes me str8, i think all str8 girls want to sleep with me.So i exaggerated a bit, but i seriously avoid hanging with str8 people, if i am planning a lime, i include only gays . don't get me wrong, i have loads of str8ies in my life, but my preference are gay people, i can be myself, make my gay remarks and just overall be much more relaxed.The definition of how a lime should make you feel.Relaxed. Its my small way of protesting also.Straying away from the subject , I'm having an online conversation with a guy friend of mines, who is happily relaying he has a BF, the only issue is the Bf has a GF...brrrrrr?...that's my reaction. he says he is comfortable with it, although he is a bit jealous....what could a guy do but wish him good luck?...i don't know how he could want to get into a lasting relationship with this guy...I've never been in a situation like this but personally if my bf has a gf his whole family knows about,i would probably go crazy knowing he is giving someone other than me his affection and god knows what else. But my friend is young and he only recently accepted he is gay, I'm trying to give advice but he refuses to hear me out. I would be the same way honestly, if it was my first bf...I'm speaking from experience....i guess like me he will have to burn to learn...don't worry i already told him to always be safe, and use protection if he is going down that path.I realized that i haven't written about my past awhile now, but the feeling isn't coming .I would like to touch on a couple more events that happen to me that shaped the person i am , looking back today as horrible as some stuff were,it made me , me , i may not be very confident but i am not easily deterred by life's obstacles. and believe me there are many.Would I have wished for it to be different, knowing that i would be a changed person today? its a thought that lingers with me.

Why?

2009-07-14T06:41:00.000-07:00

I came across this article on AOL. The comments below it made me very queasy.

"if your gay you have some issues up stairs and need therapy !!!its getting worse with you sickos wanting marriage rights and now its on tv showing you freaks kissing!! I take that personally when I'm watching tv with my kids and all of a sudden its in front of my kids!! it will confuse children and same sex kissing needs to be ban in public and on tv!!! by the way gays will never be equal because YOU CAN'T MAKE A BABY TOGETHER.... FREAKS!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Homosexuality is self condemnation, separation from God! The effort to force this evil on humanity and spead it is war against God and his creation. This site can erase my comment as it apparently did my first but it will not escape Gods displeasure with siding with evil."

"The stupid sick queers need to hide there gross behavior from all children. I do not care what these sick queers do in there own home. We should shoot to all queers that don't hide there gross behavior. We need to save are kids from being exposed to these sick queers."

Regardless of whether the men were trespassing or not. Why does all the hate and venom have to be spewed at everything homosexual. Are people that scared of the big "G"? Why do people hate us so? This article is not doing anything for my confidence as a gay dude. And whats with using "protecting the children?" to spew the venom .....*sigh*

Good Idea/ Bad Idea

2009-07-13T07:04:00.000-07:00

Good Idea: Having a healthy breakfast in the morning consisting of fruit and yogurt

Bad Idea: Erotically taking the tip of a half peeled banana dipping it in yogurt, then proceed to lick it off, when your sister walks in on you. You should cut that up--- it'll make it much easier (and less gay)

And the beat goes on and on...

2009-07-13T06:54:00.000-07:00

I'm on MSN Saturday night, unfortunately frustrated at my life. KathyAnn comes online

Her: I get that you are angry at me
Her: But i am sorry about our last conversation
Her: I just let my anger get the most out of me
Her: I felt like you were attacking my religion and I had to defend it
Her:When you cursed me, i just lost it
Her: We were both wrong and i hope we can get pass this and move on to how we used to be
Me: Hello
Me: I was not attacking your religion, i was speaking generally.
Me: You really hurt me with the things you said
Me: I am also sorry that i curse you, but you threaten to tell my parents, i just lost it also
Me: Right now i am going through some serious crap with my bf, and this isn't the best time for us to sort out our issues
Her: We have issues? I thought it was just this
Me: Yea we do, but now really isn't The greatest time to discus it
Her: But we are ok right?
Me: I dunno, we will see how it goes
Her: Ok if you wanna talk i am here for you, like you have always been there for me
Me:I'm tired of defending myself
Her: What do you mean?
Me: Nothing, i gtg need to shave
Her: OK, well if you need to talk i am here.
Me: I am tired of defending the fact that i am gay, you think i chose to be this way , and its not a choice
Her: Some people choose
Me: I don't want to get into this discussion again
Me: You wont believe the crap i Had to go through my whole life, and then to have my closest friend attack me in such a way really hurt
Her: We all have to go through stuff you know, i went thru stuff too
Me: I understand that, I understand every one has their own battle to fight
Me: But when people who you think have your back, just don't- it hurts
Her: I said i am sorry, let just move on from this
Me: We still have to discuss it, but i really need to go
Her ok
Me: TTYL
Her: ok njoy your nite

I'm in a dilemma, should i forgive KA put this behind us and move on? Should i allow her back into my life, when i saw the homophobic beast rear its ugly head. I don't know what to do. I could never hold on to anger for long, i am however very good at saying " to hell with that".....dilemma.

Good Idea, Bad Idea

2009-07-09T09:30:00.000-07:00

Good idea: Release some stress by singing and dancing in your room

Bad Idea: Singing Lady Gaga's "boys boys boys" loudly while your dad is outside your window doing yard work.

In case you are not familiar with this song here are some of the lyrics:

Boys boys boys
We like boys in cars
Boys boys boys
Buy us drinks in bars
Boys boys boys
With Hairspray and denim
Boys boys boys
We love them!
We love them!

He gave me the weirdest look when i finally came outside. PS: note to self don't play this song loud.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

2009-07-08T11:18:00.000-07:00

My previous post was longer than i intended it to be, but i needed to have some background information on Kathy Ann and I. And that's as condensed as i could have gotten it. Yes that's the condensed version. KA is the only str8ie that knows my sexual orientation, my secret. It wasn't by choice but i told her, she seemingly accepted it.The reason why i said seemingly is because of the following events.

*going on msn*

Her: Hey you know how long I've been waiting on you
Me: Really? How come
Her: I was here whole week last week till 9 waiting on you, but you never showed
Me:I wasn't online last week
Her: O ok, I have something i want to ask you and i Hope i get a favorable response
Me: Hmmmm, ok shoot
Her: Can i tell *insert her Bf name here* you are gay
Me: What!!
Her: Pleeeaseeeee
Me: Why would you want to do that?
Her:It would make life so much easier
Me: How so?
Her: Well i wouldn't have to lie all the time
Me: Lie?
Her: Yea , like when we have to lime, or wen i buy stuff for you, he gets really jealous
Me: o
Her: So can i? Pleeeassee
Me: Do you know what you are asking? you are asking me to let someone else know MY secret
Her:But its not like everyone doesn't know
Me: What do you mean by that
Her: Look at your Facebook page, anyone who does would know
Me: 99% of the people on my FB is gay and the other 1% are school friends that are none the wiser, plus no one can see my friend list
Her:Are you ashamed of yourself?
Me: KA you are asking me to put myself out there, for people i don't know to know i am gay
Her: Who would *insert her Bf name here* tell?
Me: I dunno, you never know a situation like: Hey who is that guy walking so close with yuh woman? O he that's her gay friend
Her: O come on nothing like that will ever happen
Me: yuh never know, i know how str8 guys think, and its worse when they are insecure
Her: He is not insecure, i just want to so things wont be so bad, i wont have to hide when it comes to you all the time
Me: i dunno if you should
Her:So yuh telling me you are ashamed of yourself, of your friends, of *insert my BF name here*
Me: no i'm not saying that, i'm just uncomfortable
Her: Come nah pleaaassee it would make thing so much easier
Me: It would make your life easier?
Her: Yes
Me: ok well if it makes your life less stressful you can go ahead
Her: Goodie
Me: I just don't want anyone else to know
Me: And i am not ashamed of being gay, its just being gay in Trinidad isn't exactly a safe thing
Her:But its your choice
Me: My choice?
Her: Yea
Me: To be gay?
Her: Yea
Me: OMG being gay isn't a choice, you think i would choose this life of prejudice, of hate, of fear?
Her:I dunno about you, but alot of people chose to especially girls
Me: There have been alot of studies conducted that point that being gay isn't anyone choice, but genetic
Her: I never heard about that
Me: Yea, so its not a choice
Her: Yes it is
Me: *getting more flustered* NO its NOT
Her: Do you think god would make man, put him on this earth to lie in bed with another man
Me: what?
Her: God made man for woman, so that they can progress, have kids and be happy.He didn't make man for man so i think its a choice
Me: Well its not
Her: In the book ( she is Muslim) it is written that being gay is wrong you know
Me: I believe god put me here for a reason, and that he loves me. I also believe that every book that has been written was written by man, and each sentence in those books can be interpreted a different way. Man uses these words to his benefit all the time
Her: Are you saying the great Prophet was a liar
Me; no i am not, I'm just saying that man is corrupt and will use the word of god to justify corruption
Her:*taking deep offense* the great Mohammad was not corrupt
Mel; I am not attacking your religion, I'm talking general
Her: *insert my name here* i take god very seriously, and i don't like what you are saying
Me: I'm not attacking god either, I'm simply saying that the race of man is corrupt, and people will always use religion and god to get what they want
Me: Man is a corrupt species. Do you know all the suffering that occurs because of "god". But do u think god wants this suffering, no he doesn't, its corrupt man that is causing it
Her: I think god has a reason
Me: You cannot think that, because God cannot be understood by our small human minds
Her: I don't think you believe in god, because he says it is wrong for you to lie with another man, and you choose to
Me: Are you for real, how dare you say i don't believe in god
Her: Because you don't
Me: I may not follow any book word for word, but i talk to god everyday. I have a personal relationship with him
Her:So you telling me you talk to god and he replies
Me: Yes
Her: What do you talk to him about? Being gay?
Me: I talk to him about everything,i ask him to keep my friends, family safe
Her:And he replies?
Me: yes he does
Her:And yet you believe religion is corrupt?
Me: Man is corrupt
Her: Man isn't corrupt Mohammad was perfect
Me: but he was a man
Her: So you know god right?
Her: what if i call you parents and tell them you are gay? Would they care for you still? Would they want you in that house ? will you talk to god and tell him to stop me and he will reply yes?
Me: FUCK off KA
Me: You're threatening me to call my parents , how the hell could you?
Her: I don't want you as my friend anymore, I believe in god and you don't
Me : I never said i don't believe in god
Me: i don't think we should be friends either
Her:I feel pity for you, thinking you know god, when you are so in the dark

She signs out and 10 mins later comes back in

Her: I'm sorry about the conversation we had earlier i hope we can see past this
Her: have a good night

I can't get over it. this conversation got me so upset that i cried. i didn't write everything that we talked about, just the main parts.There was a time i asked her about all the people in the middle east who are willing to give their lives in the name of the lord, if god asked them to, or a man did. She got so offended that she asked if i think she would do the same. I went silent thinking i crossed some invisible line, but told her it was just to outline the point that man will twist the word of god to accomplish anything. She mocked me being gay and told me that i should go cry. She thinks that by me hiding my sexuality i am ashamed of every other gay person out there. that deeply offended me. The threat she made to tell my parents. I knew there were times i was wrong, but i see plainly that KA never liked the idea of me being gay, and seems to take offense that me a gay person can talk to god.Even though she said she hopes we move past this, we wont...i am too battered to. I went through alot of bullshit with her and i always end up on the sharp side of the stick. I've made my decision that KA and I have come to our crossroads, her direction and mines are different. I also think that she already told her bf and was looking for approval to ease her guilt. Life goes on.It hurts but it proceeds

The good, the bad and the ugly

2009-07-07T20:44:00.000-07:00

Kathy-Ann and I have been friends for well over 5 years.Ours is a complicated relationship.I can recall the first time i encounter KA ,my friends and I planned a movie lime, four of us in total.Now these were the days before CC8 and Movie Towne, I'm talking the Magnificent 7 (remember them?) It was strangely suspicious that my friend Shannel bought like 8 tickets, while everyone else were buying the usual one ...we were informed that her cousins would be joining us, a whole heap of them. Not a problem for us- of course the more the merrier. That was the first time i met KA, a goth chick like myself ( being goth was the rage back then) she sat four seats away, constantly glimpsing in my direction. I however was more interested in Shannel's cousin Shannon ( this will be elaborated in another post) , but KA kept throwing popcorn my way, making small talk...she even switched seats-- now she was 2 seats away. I was oblivious to the way girls flirt, i still am actually.Kern my guy friend opposite me, smirked "wat boy that girl have it bad for you" to which i whispered under my breath" ummm no Shannon is my thing"...I reached for some candy- M&M's a big pack, the almond kind- the ones i Love, being the gentleman i try to be, i offered to everyone, when i came to KA, she said " Yea I'll take one please" I passed the bag to her, that was the last I ever saw of my precious M&M's she kept the entire thing, smiled coyly saying"if i wanted it i would have to come get it". Needless o say, i did want it but i didn't go get it, i was too busy sitting next to Shannon. From then i swore to everyone, KA was my mortal enemy. Of course i was kidding,however i avoided her cause she scared me, she was the in your face type, the complete opposite of your truly who is the shy secluded one.

Couple weeks later Shannel had her going away party, she was headed to the US to study, all my friends were there, Kern picked me up...we discussed who would be there and who we didn't want to run into, "the crazy chick is going to be there" he laughed , with a twisted look on my face" who?" KA....it didn't cross my mind that because she was Shannel's cousin she would be there and she was...goth dressed, like myself, spikes, chains the whole works. She came over said hello and handed me a black bag. In the bag there were like 10 packs of M&M's , she said sorry for stealing my candy..i said it was no biggie, -- ever since that day she was called M&Ms by everyone , and was pretty embarrassed at her behavior, i said" no biggie-- it really wasn't--, and i was far from angry, its all in good fun:...You really weren't angry she said, of course not, ok good, so you gonna give back the m&M's? Hell no! was my reply...I ate it all that night...

KA and hung out for most of the night, because my date Shannon was busy being the hostess. We talked, danced got to really know each other. She was a really kool girl. At the end of the night we exchanged numbers. well not exchange. Kern and i was headed off, when she burst throw the crowd of limers outside, came up to me, planted one on my lips and slipped me her number. I was dumbfounded, all i heard was hooting and hollering , I sat in Kern's car and got the biggest pat on my back ever. At this stage in my life i was fighting my homosexual feelings so hard, at the party, i was checking out -as much as i tried not to- , the guys there.Some of them were pretty hott. Few days later i got a message on my phone asking me why i hadn't called her, it was from Kern, he had gotten the msg from Niki, who had gotten it from Shannel, who got it from her sister Marissa. Our own little Bmobile network. At the end of that day, i called her.

Nervous, unsure, i wanted to throw up...I didn't know what to say or do, all i knew is that this is what was expected of me. We hit it off that night, speaking of everything from school, to cartoons, music, family....as time progressed KA and i became really close friends. She confessed her huge crush on me, and asked how i felt. This happened like months after. I told her that i liked her also, and i did...but obviously not in the way she wanted me to. We decided to go on a date. This after a scenario with Shannon played off. When my post about Shannon happens, it will all make sense. By this time, my inkling towards the same sex had grown, KA and i met, we had our date, we also had no sexual chemistry whatsoever, -what do u expected form a guy questioning his sexuality-. She was devastated, and kept asking me why I was scared to hold her hand, why was i acting like i now meet her, and not like "a boyfriend" My reply was simply nerves.Upset, she did the most childish thing - hooked up with another guy, after i refused to kiss her at the pool hall. I wasn't hurt, just embarrassed. She wanted to have a make up date, but i refused.We stopped speaking for about 2 months.

That guy she hooked up with on our first "date' later went on to become her steady boyfriend, i was happy for her, i still am. In the days i didn't hear from KA she crossed my mind several times, mostly when i was sitting alone sulking, thinking, i had the chance to have a gf and i blew it.I thought i would never hear from her again, but 2 months later in the middle of the night i got a call from her, don't know what prompted it but it happened. She asked for forgiveness, for being so disrespectful to me on our "date" I did make it clear that i was embarrassed, and felt hurt after. We patched thing up that night, and agreed that the best thing for us both were to be friends. From that day onwards KA and I were the best of friends, We have seen each other through up and downs, family matters, work matters, infidelity, trauma...I've always tried my best to be there for her in anyway i could. We laugh, we cried, we had our small fights, but at the end of it all we were good as gold.

When i came to the realization that i was indeed gay, the courage to tell her didn't come. Not only would it break her heart, i was scared that she would leave me....that Will would lose his Grace. So i didn't, the subject of having a gf always came up, and my answer would almost always be, haven't found someone with the right chemistry yet... we both could relate to that, so she accepted that answer. Its was not until the whole drama with BF numero uno (which will also be in another post) He told her point blank that i was gay, that he had proof ..she asked one, twice, three times at different intervals, i denied it all, until one day i finally caved, i was emotionally drained....i didn't care what her reaction would be, luckily it was a good one...she was glad i found love ( my current bf) i was her official gay best friend she chimed...then proceeded to fantasize about the things we would be doing together...shopping being on the top of the list...-i was not having any of that-, I'm not going to be stereotyped i said...relax, I'm kidding is what she replied.But we are so going to check out guys together

After the whole coming out to her -not by choice-, we became even closer. She pretended to be my gf, at my office Christmas party, we were the hottest couple there...everyone in my office especially the big "players" had their jaw on the floor. Did I mention that KA is very sexy....she's a beauty.We planned to look extra sexy that night, picked out a hot short dress for her, i was decked in a blazer with a jeans that hugged all the right places.KA and i was awesome together, we always had fun, always laughing, it was like we were hand and glove. I accompanied her to her Xmas bash, cause her bf couldn't make it...at the time she was going through some fidelity issues. Where i was deemed as the wrong one, cause i always advised her not to cheat, and she would just throw my advice out of the window.

The object of her affection - a co worker, older than her and what i would deem as a player...but KA just couldn't see it no matter how much i pointed it out to her. He had a GF, also her co worker,he told KA this is just a fling and that he intends to marry his GF, yet KA still clung on to him like make up on a drag queen. I tried my utter best, with as much advice as i could give, including telling her in not so nice words that she was an ass, and needed to get a grip -- i had to dish out some tough love, unknowing to me, KA would go back and tell her object what i was advising, so without even meeting him, i was deemed hate worthy. Before the Xmas bash KA and i discussed that we would avoid her object, that tonight was about all the free food at the Hyatt.

It began well enough, i faked my confidence , met and greeted her bosses , friends with smiles. Then object came into the room headed straight to our table and sat down. The night went downhill from there, KA got visibly upset when object was called out by his Gf to join them at their table....I looked at her, saw the hurt in her eyes and said think about ur bf, she said i'm not on that lets get some drinks....I never hung out with KA in a setting like this, it was always lunch, movies, shooting pool, nothing like a club scene. We got drinks, we got drinks, we got drinks, we got drink....lots of drinks....we got hammered, her more than me. At the end of the night, i was in the ladies washroom, holding her hair back while she threw up. It was embarrassing for her and I both...pretty soon her co workers came to her rescue..and i was pushed aside. I was no way close to being as drunk as she was, since i drink sensibly, drink-water-drink-water, thats how it was for me, i tried to form that pattern with her, but KA was having none of it, she was drink-drink-harder drink. Me not knowing her limit didn't say that enough until she threw up. I got her water, club soda...all of which her friends brushed aside and said she needed to rest. Word got around, and object was soon outside the washroom alongside me waiting for her to come out.He stood there, and the conversation went

Him: i don't like you and you don't like me
Me: I don't know you to make that decision
Him: well i heard
Me: or ok
Him: silence....
Me: texting my bf
Him: she should have never gotten to this point
Me: looking up
Him: she came here with you, you are responsible for her, how could you let her get this drunk
Me:KA is a big woman you know
him: that no excuse
Me: thinking..he's right
Him:when she comes out here i will take her home
Me: she came with me so I'll take her
Him: silence
Me:checking my phone, the bf says when i ready he is outside* he's been there for 2 hours now

KA come out of the washroom, her entourage ( some of them just as drunk as her) trailing behind. She looks at me and then at object and rushes into objects arms, i pull her aside and asked what are you doing? she says i want object, only object can get me sober, to which i reply OMG are you serious, she brushes me aside and goes to him...object is leaning on the wall with the biggest grin on his face. I go up to him, and say make sure she gets home safe, i look at her " text me wen you get home" I leave, meet my bf downstairs, and rant about it-- before i go thou i take a couple shots of something clear. so by the time i reach down stairs I'm a bumbling fool. I was so angry. The next day i don't hear from her, i am worried ...i call her she is ok....thank fully....but somehow, i am being blamed whole fully for her drunkenness. We had a big argument.I was deeply offended, how could she place all the blame on me, i admit that i could have said stopped her with the drinking, but i didn't know her tolerance level...my judgment could have been better.

The days to follow wasn't good ...her bf blamed me, object said i got her drunk purposefully to take advantage of her, her co workers all assumed the same thing. She didn't even defend me, when i asked her why didn't she, she said the only thing comes to her mind was that I'm gay , so that wasn't the case, but she didn't want to sell out my secret.I took the blame, i didn't care- i don't know and dont care to know any of them-. The straw that broke the camel's back, however was the fact that her bf was placing blame squarely on me for her poor conduct. At that point, i was so pissed i didn't care for KA to be my friend anymore, we stopped speaking for about 2 months again . She called me once again,apologized that she didn't take some of the blame, we decided to just forget the whole incident happened. Our relationship was never the same again, some how it felt like her attitude towards me had changed, and not in a good way. Still i tried to be there for her whenever i could, but Sunday past...something occurred that makes me want nothing to do with her again....

This is how school started...

2009-07-02T10:42:00.000-07:00

In my head Secondary School was a book filled with blank pages , just waiting to write my new life in. All the bullies from Primary school were all but gone, no one knew of my fem past -I was a new person. Completely 'normal'. During the registration process, i met up with a couple guys from Primary school I guess moving from a one building school to this huge multi building, multiple story school had us all a bit scared ,so trying to cling on to some sort of familiarity we became fast friends. Each one of these guys did tease me at one time of the other,especially the one called Matthew he was the worse amongst the bunch but somehow here we were enemies....scared of a common element,ended up talking and laughing like best of buds.

Assuming that we were all going into the same class, we headed to the auditorium better known as the hall. Soon they were calling out the names of each student for each class, we were all separated, except of course me and Matthew..just my luck. We were placed in the same class. being the anti social dove i am, it was awkward sitting there among all those new faces, each one of us sitting with a somber look , Matthew came into the class room after i had gotten there and asked if he could sit, what other choice did i have...i said sure. We were silent , the occasional glance was exchanged , sometimes him pointing out a guy or girl he knew walking through the corridor. You see the school was situated about 6 houses away from Matthew's residence,therefore he was familiar with alot of the students.That was the last time Matthew and i were ever going to be anything close to friends.

The first day of school, Matthew had already made friends over the summer... a couple of the boys from the class lived in the neighbourhood. I was alone siting at my desk, when this huge guy, well compared to myself asked if he can sit next to me. I dare not say no. Bell rang , and our form teacher came in- sat down to the usual business of introducing the concept of secondary school, to us...then through the door came the most wonderful sight ever...one of my friends from Primary school...Vijesh...he got a transfer. I didn't feel so alone, he sat in the front desk, The teacher, started switching students around....yup...Vijesh was placed next to me. So far the first day of school was going good. That's until after lunch when we experienced our first ever free period. the guys including myself gathered on one side of the room, talking , laughing about cartoons, sports, movies - then the subject of girls came up and each of us were asked to pick a girl who we would like to date. When my turn came up I picked dreamy Rianna , i spoke to her briefly during lunch time and was completely smitten. This some how struck a chord with Matthew , he was apparently in love with her....I don't recall how the confrontation happened, its sort of blurry...i remember him saying, "a girl like you can't like she"...to which some of the other guys replied "how yuh cud call d man a guyl" then Matthew blurted out " he used to dance in school and thing , a big guyl"...something snapped inside me...I wasn't about to let Matthew throw ink all over my blank pages...i grabbed him my the collar and slammed him into the chalkboard, jacking him up...he struggled , but my rage had given me power i didn't know i had, the class made an up roar , at the same time the dean was passing. you can guess what happened next , I was sent straight to the principals office ..on the first day of school for fighting, I was so scared...luckily the principal was in a good mood- i was given a stern warning and sent back.When i there everyone was staring at me I felt so alienate, sitting down in my chair I buried my head into my book bag. Vijesh put his head on the desk next to mines and whispered...ha ha ha Matthew is an ass. I smiled. It made me feel better.

Matthew and i were sworn enemies from that day. I was elected as perfect of the class, and i think it was because of that fight.Matthew was even more hell bent of destroying me. He told any and everyone about my fem behavior in primary school, brought up stories of how they made fun of me , how i would cry, he was vomiting my primary school life to everyone, some people believed, some didn't. In secondary school i wasn't totally butch , there was a small part of me that was still fem, but i tried my utmost to control it, it can usually be seen when i was angry or excited, the hand gestures would just burst out of the woodwork. Form one I made alot of friends, Vijesh and i grew closer and was virtually inseparable. My crush was still Rianna, she and i would sit during lunch and any free periods we would get.This killed Matthew much to my delight. I didn't have any gay crushes, or thought about boys in any way besides being friends. I thought i was straight , I liked girls but the future had other plans. Next chapter forms 2&3.....

Masculinity 'r' us

2009-06-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

I have to admit having summer workers is giving me lots to think about, today during lunch besides their usual homophobic remarks, there was a sudden surge of each person trying to out do the other by means of how many girls they have slept with, and the current number they are juggling. Each trying to outdo the other ( its like watching monkeys in a cage) then the subject of sports came up, who plays what...then the inevitable how much can you drink question. The way in which women are referred to got me pissed, to them women are no more than objects, trophies to say..."hey i did that"....I dunno why i was pissed at it, maybe because i have so many sisters , i would hate for any guy to refer to them as a trophy. These questions and answers all seem to prove whether or not these str8ies are masculine in the eyes of their peers, which brings me to the questions how do you prove your masculinity in the gay world? Do i sleep around with as many men as possible, boast about it, do i drink myself into a coma, ....or do i do as many str8 things as possible, including acting str8 --to prove my masculinity...do i top only? Are tops considered the masculine ones in the relationship? Its a question that i can't find a solid answer to, it can be many things....but I'm pretty sure its doesn't fall into the how many people you slept with category, in my book that's just tasteless.How about not showing emotion, guys who are in touch with their feelings are always labeled as gay, the old age saying "boys don't cry" come to mind.Masculinity and being gay just seems to cancel each other out, how can you be masculine , and be in love with another man....this subject is a big one, my opinion a masculine man is all about behavior, you walk tall, deep voice, manly ways, outdoorish....nothing to do with the numbers of men you bed. How did i prove my masculinity to them? afterall i was at the same table, when the question of how many girls I have now...I simply said my days of playing the field are over...laughter ensued ....i said" laugh nah the day you find the right one you guys will be the same way"....one the guys guys made a cracking whip sound (indicating i was pussy whipped) I laughed, not at that but at the fact that girls are the last thing on my mind....

Fag

2009-06-25T09:38:00.000-07:00

My company recently took in some "summer workers" I usually have nothing to do with these "workers" unless absolutely necessary, I placed workers in inverted commas because they only work when the big boss is around, anyway.... one of them is obviously homophobic...during lunch he called one of the other guys a fag for sitting too close to him. I got angry, got up and punched him in the face....it happened like that in my head.Reality wise I ignored them, and continued having my lunch. The guy who the insult was hurled at shot back "yuh feel i on boys like you" and pulled himself further away. I laughed a little, not at any of the name calling, but at the fact that these guys treat being gay as some sort of contagious killer disease. If it was, everyone in that lunch room would be gay plus the fact that they are not the best looking guys around - i don't think any guy would look at them twice, ok ok let me speak for myself, i wouldn't look at them twice...yet in their minds every guy or gay man is seemingly "after" them. I know this wouldn't be the last time i hear these degrading words, I'm trying my best not to let this affect me but I'm angry and hurt, to be gay in Trinidad puts u lower than a dog in the streets in these guys eyes....its sad to say but there are many out there who share this view....yet another reason i hesitate to tell any close str8ies about my sexual preference.

When i was young...

2009-06-24T12:30:00.001-07:00

The younger me was feminine, i hung out with girls and never could blend in with all the guys. My sisters, yes sisters 4 of them were like my best friends, my brother however was my mortal enemy....mom couldn't leave him and I in a room alone cause bet your bottom dollar when she comes back one of us would be dead. I dare say i hated him, i don't know why but i did. My cousins were all girls, the ones around my age, the guys would have nothing to do with me because i was young and the younger boys were just to little to hang with, so i was constantly surrounded by girls.

I won't say i had a horrible child hood, because i know that many children experienced worse that i did. My child hood as i remember it was good. My parents tried their best to provide for 6 of us, we didn't get everything we asked for, most of the times i would be wearing my brother's hand me downs.Looking back today I am very grateful for having both my parents, we were poor..mom is a typical Indian housewife....she would take care of all the house duties, while dad was the breadwinner....small difference though my dad loved to cook and often he would tell my mom to take a rest while he would prepare the meals on weekends.Never had much of anything but we made do with whatever we had, yea i complained, cried, hated them at some times but we always had clean clothes, and food however meager in our tummy. I am grateful today.

I don't know when i grew out of my feminine behavior, maybe it was the first fist fight i had in Secondary School, but i did....the years that i was the girly boy was torture....it still tortures me today. I'd like to think hanging with all those girls had some sort of effect on me...i didn't know how a boy was supposed to act. All i know is in the eyes of everyone else i was girly.Primary school was probably the worse, I was never a good looking boy.. the constant name calling, i was made fun of on a daily basis not only by students but by teachers as well. I would be kicked, punched and pushed during recess, didn't know why I never tried to fight back, truthfully i was scared i would have gotten my ass kicked. I took it ,became a quiet introvert child at school, home however i was deemed a menace, a child full with issues, anger issues. Fighting with my brother, with the neighborhood children, disrespecting the adults. Of course all this ended up as licks for me. The next day i would do it all over again i never cared for life.

I had a couple of friends, they were great, we were the outsiders, no one liked us ..we didn't care. Mom tried her best with me academically, she would sit and teach me, even though she only had a high school education she tried, and it paid off...i was always at the top of my class, from infants straight up to std 5 i was always in the top 5. It was something i was proud of, no matter how many times i stupesed at it like i didn't care, i did. My sister encouraged me to join the temple at a young age, i picked up dancing. I excelled at it...this wasn't good, but no one objected , parents were supportive...but this Indian dancing, coupled with my fem ways meant death by degrees. I ended up being the lead of the group, we danced at Diwali shows, at school functions, at cookings...i was a performer. All this happened in primary school,this didn't sit well with my bullies, it only gave them more ammo. I was labeled aunty, fag, buller...you name a name I've been called it.

I didn't care dancing made me happy. I had male friends they were kool with it, strangely they never associated with me when their parents were around, do i blame them? My dad hardly spoke to me during this time, i was my mothers child, well as much as i would let her. I was still a menace. I was betrayed by many friends who turned on me and starting teasing me, it was considered the cool thing to do. Only one teacher would care whether or not i was being bullied during break time, she was an angel, the others seemed to rather enjoy it or didn't care. After performing in our own Diwali function in my village,i was picked on there too....one small difference, home i fought back. I got into so many fights at home that my mom forbid me to go outside. So i was kept inside entertained by the television.

I had alot of girl crushes in Primary school, my heart would melt at the site of Aariti she was my love, we were friends I never confessed my love to her ( haha love at such a young age) but treasured every moment spent with her. In std 4 and 5 my focus shifted from Aariti and unto other girls, but i was always deemed ugly and rejected....yea childhood heart beak was the worse, and childeren can be very mean and evil.I never had luck with girls.

When i would walk the street to go to the shop however the name calling would happen, i would just flip the guys the bird and go on with my life, even the shopkeeper would make fun of me. It was not nice. But I pushed on. There were times i wished i was dead, i cursed god...i hated everyone and everything...but i pushed on. I had one best friend and he would stick up for me in school. The girls i hung out with would stick up for me also, those were the days i went home happy. Sometimes they wouldn't be around and i would have to experience the full brunt of the bullying, I cant tell you how many times i cried in Primary school. In fact my eyes are welling up with water as i write this.

I don't know how my fem behavior affected my family, i was too caught up in my own dark world to notice, but I'm guessing my brother hated it that's why we couldn't get along . I was a fighter and i still am. But only when i am pushed to my breaking point, other wise i use the line sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will not hurt... much. But words hurt alot. Can you imagine being 10 years walking the street and having grown adults calling you names like buller...i didn't even know what buller meant, all i knew it was bad. The day before common entrance ( an exam to judge which secondary school you are qualified for ) I was zombified, he choked me so hard i thought i would die, this incident stands out in my mind because my mom noticed the marks around my neck and asked me if i was fighting, i said yes...i got a coating of licks. Anyway it really screwed with my head, because he threatened to kill me once again..I went into the exams room a scared child. When results came out some months after, everyone had a puzzled look on their face when i passed for a 5 year secondary school instead of one the more prestigious 7 year colleges.

Never the less i was proud, cause my best friend passed for the same school, his parents weren't satisfied so he re wrote the exam. I was all alone once again heading out to secondary school. My parents however were filled with glee, since my brother and sister had both previously passed for 3 year junior secondary, i was the first to pass for a 5 year in my family. I was promised a bike, it never came...i did however get KFC and in my family that was just as good. I sat down and made up my mind that secondary school would be a new beginning for me , that i would leave everything behind and start new. I quit dancing much to my sisters and everyone in the group dismay....I was excited for this new chapter in my life, maybe for once i would love school....A new beginning is what i told myself.

I am scared

2009-06-23T05:37:00.000-07:00

I came across some sexually explicit blogs recently, not the video/ picture kind--i like those :)- its gay guys recording their sexual escapades. Barebacking sex with multiple strangers, orgies, i read about a guy who is married to his partner of 7 years but yet everyday after work he meets strangers off the net to have unprotected sex. It scares and disgusts me.Luckily it does not take place in Trinidad, but its these sexually promiscuous guys that makes me very afraid of coming out to anyone close to me...sadly its this kind of behavior that gets imprinted into the minds of the str8.....giving them the misconception that all gay guys are slutty whores who only look for sex. I am not a slutty whore, i love sex yes....but i wanna find love with a guy, real love, love that makes you get up in the morning singing ...the kind of love that puts that extra bounce in your step...I'm happy to say that i'm discovering love like that each day.....I don't want to be labeled as a sex maniac.

On another note I think my parents are suspecting something, recently my mother has been asking me when she is going to meet the girl. To which i reply soon :S....."Time to marrid" is all i seem to hear from the neighbours....I don't know how i'm going to continute having a bf and not have them get more suspicious.

A memory

2009-06-22T18:17:00.000-07:00

Looking back no matter how hard i try, i can't seem to pinpoint the exact time when i realized i was gay. Guys were never interesting to me in Primary school, i had many girl crushes, in Secondary School it was the same , until the middle of form four when Assad was transferred to our school, from St Georges College....the first time i laid eyes on that boy, i was in love.His eyes, his smile, the way his hair fell right above his eyes.....everything.... Being the prefect I was assigned to show him around, of course I did not mind. I tried my best to contain my excitement , and played it cool. He was my first boycrush. I would do anything to be close to him, trade seats, volunteer to be his lab partner...i was a desperate dee dee. We actually became good friends, he sat next to me during all our free periods, we exchanged notes during class, sharing jokes, dissing each other...i was in love...I was scared also that someone would find out, so even though i wanted to be with him every single free moment, i couldn't. Whenever he sat next to me and our legs touched i would melt, his hand brushed against mines on more than one occasion, i was beginning to think that he felt the same way.I dare not say anything,just relished the moments it happened. He came from a very strict Muslim family, so its more probable if anything was there he would have suppressed it. After form 5 we kept in contact a couple months, and then that was it , i never heard from him again. My lack of a house phone was a major cause for this .Occasionally I would get a letter to which a reply was sent, just to touch base.I ran into him earlier this year at the gas station, we recognized each other , he was on the opposite side so we just waved, all my feelings just rushed back , and i realized that i truly was in love with him.He sent me a friend request on FB, where we spoke a bit. Even though nothing happened, and nothing ever will ( he's engaged) I still treasure that warm feeling i got when he sat next to me, or wrote a joke to cheer me up, he will always have the title of being my first ever boycrush.

Thanks

2009-06-18T11:28:00.000-07:00

I never dreamed that people would read my blog, or there were people out there with similar experiences -- people with words of encouragement. Here i am 10 followers, words of encouragement, and hope that this wound would heal. I want to say a heartful thanks to everyone who has passed through my blog, you guys would not believe how much it means to me. THANK YOU. I felt so alone, for so long-- it feels different now.

I dreamed a dream

2009-06-18T11:04:00.000-07:00

The day was hot,the night was no different. It was like an oven in my room...my small lasko fan spinning uncaring from one side of the room to the other....disbursing the hot air, giving little relief to me. i lay in my bed , nothing particularly solid in my head, slowly dozing off into a hot uncomfortable sleep. Suddenly i was swept back to my 10 year old body, lying- pinned down on the floor, unable to move my hands or feet,i scream but alas no sound permeates the still room.Slowly a figure appears forming from smoke over me..his hands , his body, his smirk, zombie was over me holding me down....desperate now, i struggle with all my might but to no avail. Zombie is fully formed now over me, naked he leans in closer i can feel his hot breath against my cheek , he whispers...."I'll fucking kill you if yuh tell anyone" ....I woke up in such a fright, dripping with sweat, scared and confused...making my way out of bed ,i slowly open the door to the back yard.....glimpsing the clock, its 12.45am, i make my way to my favorite spot, the cool air cuts sharply against my drenched body, clad only in my underwear and vest, i sit on the bench and look up at the stars. The stars seem to bring me more comfort than anything else,i feel small looking up at them, in the back of my mind, a small voice comforts me...its says...its not that bad.I quickly feel cold,and yearn for the comfort of my hot room, the dogs begin to bark....i sleek away into my room before my parents wake up. i can't fall asleep . I'm too scared.

Fuck U

2009-06-03T20:07:00.000-07:00

I jus came across this, it makes me feel good about myself

Childhood....

2009-06-03T19:25:00.000-07:00

Looking back now my childhood was not a very happy one.I had alot more downs than ups....i tried my best in school , i didn't have much friends and i was a very angry individual.I still am sometimes. I don't know how to summarize it , i guess i'll have to hit the memories that still bother me up to today...and see how that goes.....

The Begining....

2009-06-02T12:00:00.000-07:00

I am at a loss as to where to being this post....here goes---i was molested at a young age till form 2...it all started when i was about 8-9 i cant recall exactly when, I've tried so hard to forget, that its all in bits and pieces ...i feel dirty just thinking back on it....i feel so helpless and ashamed. The said person who i will now refer to as "zombie" cause zombies scare me. Zombie was much older than me, he was about 19 or so when the touching began, it gradually escalated in to fully blown oral sex, and then intercourse...it was sometimes violent...i would be left with bruises on my arms and legs, it was only gentle if i was willing, so to save myself from pain, i became willing. It occurred on a daily basis, and my parents suspected nothing, you see they trusted zombie. Zombie in my mind will always be an evil person that made threats to my life, and the life of my sisters if i ever breathed a word to anyone. I felt sick after each incident, so much so i would go to the washroom and lock myself in there for hours crying, praying, cussing. My mind will only carry me so far back, the memories are hidden so deep within it, to get to them i would have to peel away millions of layers of scar tissue. I had my first orgasm experience with zombie, i felt weak in the knees, i thought i was going to die, the next day i got feverish, i said my prayers and got ready to die...i was so stupid back then....Only 2 people on this earth knows what happened to me....(more of that to come later). Zombie took away my virginity and i hate him for it, i was left bleeding a couple times after he came over, he would run scared home....i was left with the pain. I am disgusted with myself, because there were times i enjoyed it....i enjoyed the molestation.....god, this is harder than i thought.....i didn't tell anyone cause i was scared i was going to be blamed, that i would be beaten and locked away as a freak, i never once stopped and thought ......maybe i was the victim, i was a stupid boy. Zombie finally left the country when i was in form 2, it was the happiest day in my life, no more pain....no more shame.....i was free. Little did i know that the psychological pain was only beginning, for the rest of my life i would have panic dreams, i would get up in cold sweats. This psychological damage is more horrid than the physical pain i felt. I stole a book on molestation from the library....i was too ashamed to borrow it, i read for 2 nights straight.....now i have a better understanding , now i can truly begin to heal and pick up the pieces of my shattered mind.

And the fabric unravels ....

2009-05-29T19:27:00.000-07:00

Its been 3 years since i accepted that i was indeed gay, I fought it for as long as i could but u can't fight nature no matter how hard you try, and i have tried hard. I wanted a family, i still do actually...i wanted a big Hindu wedding with lots of dancing, tassa, friends, family, food...i cant have that now, in fact i don't think i will be able to get married at all.It hurts, i curse god sometimes i didn't ask to be born this way, i didn't have a choice in the matter....or did i? The beginning is so hard to write about, it means i will have to go within myself, find the lost forgotten memories, relive the pain, relive the shame , walk down the broken path....i must...I've made this decision to....too many nights, memories haunt me, to many times i find myself beating the positivity out of me....i am my own worse enemy, I'm doing this because i want to become my friend...i want to look at myself in the mirror and say.....its ok, i love me.....finding the words or where to start is a challenge but start i must and start i will .....I'm a gay Trinidadian of east Indian descent , I'll be 25 this year but i think like a 12 year old in fact many times you'll probably find me playing catch or some other game with my little brother....i come from a medium size family 8 of us in all ,2 brothers and 3 sisters, both my parents. Typical Hindu home i guess, but what is really typical?, I personally am not abundantly religious but i do pray and i do believe in god.I currently have a wonderful boyfriend, the second gay relationship i've had...I'm a happy person most of the times....scratch that....these days most of the times i am a depressed person...well here goes the story is about to unfold *takes deep breath*

The wolf howls....

2009-05-28T08:14:00.000-07:00

I'm frustrated, drained emotionally and physically, i want to depart this earth, i look in the mirror , what i see makes me sick....I'm disgusted with myself...I'm so low right now , that thoughts of suicide is back in my head.This blog was just a way for me to bicker about my bf, but i realized that i don't get the time to come here and it wasn't helping me in any way..now as i sit here- 2 am Saturday morning- i need an outlet...someone to talk to ...someway to drain my system of the poison that lurks within it. The same poison that I've been trying to get rid of since i have known myself.I had a nightmare, a surreal nightmare of a memory lost long ago, now for some reason i just vomited it up and it swirls around me, causing me to cold sweat , to cry, to be angry, to hate myself....to the beginning, i have to completely thread back to the beginning and purge my soul- for once in my life its time to be blatantly honest.To free myself of the chains i created. To finally be whole...to be healed....

The Blue Wolf

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The Memories

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O Dammmm

TMI?

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175

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Paragraph 175

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When i was young...

I am scared

A memory

Thanks

I dreamed a dream

Fuck U

Childhood....

The Begining....

And the fabric unravels ....

The wolf howls....

drools